Watch and Learn - Get High With The Pope | Trump's Deranged Social Media Blitz

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Welcome one and all.

Welcome one and all

Sure.

Sure

Welcome to the late show. I'm your host

Welcome to the late show I'm your host

Steven Colbert.

Steven Colbert

Well uh hi

>> is what you all might be because today

is 4:20,

is 4:20

which is

marijuana's birthday or something. I

marijuana's birthday or something I

don't really understand why this day is,

don't really understand why this day is

but today is Weed's unofficial holiday.

but today is Weed's unofficial holiday

Of course, it's its official holiday is

Of course it's its official holiday is

Thanksgiving. Just just you and your

Thanksgiving Just just you and your

cousin in an unheated garage sharing

half a pumpkin pie, guessing which

half a pumpkin pie guessing which

uncle's on Wagaui.

uncle's on Wagaui

That's why there's some pie left. Now,

That's why there's some pie left Now

in a sign that 420 is becoming more

legit these days, giant corporate food

legit these days giant corporate food

chains are are getting in on the

Scooby-Doo fun with deals like KFC's 420

pot pie combo

and Wingstop's Hotbox.

and Wingstop's Hotbox

It's the perfect meal to have in your

car while your friend's older brother

explains music to you.

explains music to you

Listen up. Listen up. Give me Shelter's

Listen up Listen up Give me Shelter's

got a lot more going on in there than

you thought.

you thought

>> Another brand celebrating uh is the

actual marijuana themed sandwich chain

Cheba Hut.

Cheba Hut

You know their slogan: No one outpizzas

the Hut. Wait, why does that sound so

the Hut Wait why does that sound so

familiar? Did we make that up? No way.

familiar Did we make that up No way

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you

Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Do you

guys want to get Pizza Hut?

guys want to get Pizza Hut

Good. It's good.

Good It's good

It's true.

It's true

The Huffington Post also got in on the

Smokey Toke today, posting, "Weed

Smokey Toke today posting Weed

insiders debate who would be the best

420 hang." Unfortunately, for some

420 hang Unfortunately for some

reason, I don't understand, the article

reason I don't understand the article

only gave two options as to who people

would rather blaze up with. Trump or

would rather blaze up with Trump or

Pope Leo.

Pope Leo

Come on. That's a super easy call.

Come on That's a super easy call

Obviously, we've all seen footage of the

Obviously we've all seen footage of the

Pope getting high.

Pope getting high

He tried He tried.

He tried He tried

He tried. He tried shoving a rolled up

He tried He tried shoving a rolled up

towel under the door of the Sistine

Chapel, but we could tell. We knew what

Chapel but we could tell We knew what

was going on in there. Of course, uh I

was going on in there Of course uh I

got to say these days hitting a bong may

be the only way to understand Trump's

strategy with Iran. On Thursday, Israel

strategy with Iran On Thursday Israel

and Lebanon, this was Thursday,

and Lebanon this was Thursday

>> Israel and Lebanon agreed to a

ceasefire. So on Friday, Iran reopened

ceasefire So on Friday Iran reopened

the straight of Hormuz. And yes, it was

the straight of Hormuz And yes it was

already open before we started the war.

already open before we started the war

But I believe the real straight of

Hormuz was the friends we made along the

way.

way

I'm sorry. What's that? And I'm being

I'm sorry What's that And I'm being

told we made no friends.

told we made no friends

Trump immediately claimed victory,

Trump immediately claimed victory

posting, "Iran has agreed to never close

posting Iran has agreed to never close

the Strait of Hormuz again." And they

the Strait of Hormuz again And they

never did until the next day when Iran

closed the Strait of Hormuz again.

closed the Strait of Hormuz again

Oh,

so close. So, what the hell happened?

so close So what the hell happened

Well, after Iran announced they were

Well after Iran announced they were

opening the straight, they almost

opening the straight they almost

immediately reversed course because the

US maintained its blockade of Iranian

ports. This leads me to the latest

ports This leads me to the latest

installment of my apparently neverending

segment. Hormuse news you can use.

segment Hormuse news you can use

Both sides accuse.

Both sides accuse

Help us Ted Cruz.

Help us Ted Cruz

Now

three. There's going to be a third top

three There's going to be a third top

three.

three

We should have known the ceasefire was

endangered what Trump said this Thursday

night.

night

>> I don't want to be a wise guy. I don't

>> I don't want to be a wise guy I don't

want to speak too soon, but we do very

want to speak too soon but we do very

well. You notice that we're doing very

well You notice that we're doing very

well. And I will say the war in Iran is

well And I will say the war in Iran is

going along swimmingly. We can do

going along swimmingly We can do

whatever we want.

whatever we want

And it should be it should be ending

pretty soon. It was uh perfect. I mean,

pretty soon It was uh perfect I mean

it's perfect.

it's perfect

>> Don't jinx it.

>> Don't jinx it

You can't talk like that until the

situation is fully resolved. He sounds

situation is fully resolved He sounds

like a cop in an 80s movie one day from

retirement pointing at a picture on a

desk saying, "Yep, that's my daughter

desk saying Yep that's my daughter

Denise. And this summer, I'm going to

Denise And this summer I'm going to

walk my little girl down the aisle.

walk my little girl down the aisle

Everything's going to be perfect." And

Everything's going to be perfect And

you know what occurs to me just now?

you know what occurs to me just now

I've never said I love you to my son,

I've never said I love you to my son

but tonight after my last shift,

but tonight after my last shift

I'm going to tell him, "Oh, what's that?

I'm going to tell him Oh what's that

What do you know? It's him right now.

What do you know It's him right now

Hey, kiddo. Listen, I just wanted to

Hey kiddo Listen I just wanted to

tell you something. You know what? It

tell you something You know what It

can wait till tonight.

can wait till tonight

Okay, rookie. Let's head down that alley

Okay rookie Let's head down that alley

and

better take off this heavy bulletproof

vest first.

vest first

Make a cozy fire, Helen, cuz it's going

Make a cozy fire Helen cuz it's going

to be 30 golden years up at the

lakehouse.

lakehouse

Trump did some Thank you. Yeah.

Trump did some Thank you Yeah

That's what I'm doing after the show.

That's what I'm doing after the show

Just going to do that.

Just going to do that

Trump did some social media negotiating

with Iran, posting, "We're offering a

with Iran posting We're offering a

very fair and reasonable deal."

very fair and reasonable deal

And I hope they take it because if they

don't, the United States is going to

don't the United States is going to

knock out every single power plant,

knock out every single power plant

every single bridge in Iran. No more Mr.

every single bridge in Iran No more Mr

Nice Guy. Yes. Yes. He's important that

Nice Guy Yes Yes He's important that

he said that because up till now Trump's

been known as Mr. Nice Guy.

been known as Mr Nice Guy

In fact, he's mentioned over 30,000

In fact he's mentioned over 30000

times in the Nice Guy Files.

times in the Nice Guy Files

Last night,

Last night

38,000

38000

38,000. That's over That's over 30,000.

38000 That's over That's over 30000

That's what that is. LA just last night.

That's what that is LA just last night

Last night, Trump announced he was

Last night Trump announced he was

sending a crack negotiating team to

Pakistan and Vice President JD Vance is

expected to lead the delegation. Oh,

expected to lead the delegation Oh

good.

good

Lots of friends in here.

Lots of friends in here

It's good we're sending the guy who

screws up absolutely everything. It's

screws up absolutely everything It's

like hearing, "Uh, attention passengers.

like hearing Uh attention passengers

Uh, looks like we got clear skies all

Uh looks like we got clear skies all

the way to Tampa. My co-pilot today is

the way to Tampa My co-pilot today is

Mr. Bean.

Mr Bean

And there appears to be a bee in the

cockpit.

cockpit

Feel free to get up and wander around.

Feel free to get up and wander around

On some level, even the president seems

On some level even the president seems

to know that this has all the makings of

a disaster. According to the Wall Street

a disaster According to the Wall Street

Journal, behind Trump's public bravado

Journal behind Trump's public bravado

on the war, he is privately grappling

on the war he is privately grappling

with just how badly things could go

wrong. Not exactly confidence boosting.

wrong Not exactly confidence boosting

Reminds me of that sign from Friday

Night Lights. Clear eyes, full hearts.

Night Lights Clear eyes full hearts

I'm kind of freaking out that we're all

going to die.

going to die

Coach still so cute.

Coach still so cute

Kissed him on the two. Yeah, the end.

Kissed him on the two Yeah the end

This behind the scenes anxiety might

explain why Trump spent the entire

weekend posting deranged videos praising

himself like this one with a weird AI

narrator.

narrator

>> This is what you voted for. So why are

>> This is what you voted for So why are

you questioning every decision he makes

now that he's back in office? He knows

now that he's back in office He knows

what he's doing. Maybe it's time to shut

what he's doing Maybe it's time to shut

the up and let him cook.

the up and let him cook

Forget the obscinities. Let him cook.

Forget the obscinities Let him cook

Always reassuring when you hear a world

leader use Gen Z slang. I'm reminded of

leader use Gen Z slang I'm reminded of

the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi.

the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi

You must be the change you wish to see

in the world. Wow, fam. I ate with that.

in the world Wow fam I ate with that

No crumbs.

No crumbs

And he didn't eat much.

And he didn't eat much

>> He famously

>> rarely ate with that.

>> rarely ate with that

Little lemon juice. But definitely the

Little lemon juice But definitely the

most concerning post was this next one

where Trump with no comment and no

context tweeted an entire video of Frank

Sinatra singing My Way, which may I

Sinatra singing My Way which may I

remind you begins like this.

remind you begins like this

The end is near

and so I face

the final curtain.

the final curtain

>> Okay, that's that's pretty ominous.

>> Okay that's that's pretty ominous

>> We haven't heard a president sound that

bleak since Reagan.

bleak since Reagan

>> Mr. Gorbachev,

>> Mr Gorbachev

>> I hurt myself today.

>> I hurt myself today

>> Yeah, huge Trent Reznor fan. Huge Trent

>> Yeah huge Trent Reznor fan Huge Trent

Reznor fan.

Reznor fan

It's tough weekend for FBI director Cash

Patel because on Friday, The Atlantic

Patel because on Friday The Atlantic

published an expose that paints Patel as

erratic, suspicious of others, and prone

erratic suspicious of others and prone

to excessive drinking, leading many at

to excessive drinking leading many at

the bureau to consider him a national

security vulnerability. Uh, I'm told, is

security vulnerability Uh I'm told is

this true? We have obtained a photo of

this true We have obtained a photo of

Wray reading that report.

Wray reading that report

Yeah. The

Yeah The

they spelled my name right.

they spelled my name right

The Atlantic details Patel's uh alleged

boozing habits. Apparently he is known

boozing habits Apparently he is known

to drink to the point of obvious

intoxication and it's so bad that

meetings and briefings have had to be

rescheduled for later in the day as a

result of his alcohol-fueled nights. But

result of his alcohol-fueled nights But

being hung over, you boo all you want,

being hung over you boo all you want

but being hung over is just normal for

FBI agents, as we learned in Silence of

FBI agents as we learned in Silence of

the Lambs.

the Lambs

>> Morning,

>> Morning

>> Dr. Lectar. I need a blue Gatorade and a

>> Dr Lectar I need a blue Gatorade and a

bacon, egg, and cheese.

bacon egg and cheese

>> Sounds pretty good. That'll be, baby.

>> Sounds pretty good That'll be baby

That'll be right.

That'll be right

That's not all. On multiple occasions,

That's not all On multiple occasions

Wray's security team reportedly had

difficulty waking him because he was

seemingly intoxicated and once he was

unreachable behind locked doors, so they

unreachable behind locked doors so they

had to request breaching equipment,

had to request breaching equipment

which is normally used by SWAT and

hostage rescue teams to quickly gain

entry to buildings. Wow. Breaching

entry to buildings Wow Breaching

equipment. I've been drunk,

equipment I've been drunk

but I've never been battering ram drunk.

but I've never been battering ram drunk

I've never

I have never been so hung over. I needed

I have never been so hung over I needed

my alarm clock to be the jaws of life.

my alarm clock to be the jaws of life

Well, like a drunk guy and lied at

Well like a drunk guy and lied at

McDonald's, Patel is fighting back. He

McDonald's Patel is fighting back He

strongly

denies everything and he filed a lawsuit

against The Atlantic, which he announced

against The Atlantic which he announced

over the weekend on the Fox Front News.

over the weekend on the Fox Front News

>> The results, I say, speak for

>> The results I say speak for

themselves. If the fake news mafia isn't

themselves If the fake news mafia isn't

hitting you personally with baseless

information in Washington DC, then

information in Washington DC then

you're not doing your job. Maria, I'm

you're not doing your job Maria I'm

happy to announce on your show that we

are not going to take this laying down.

are not going to take this laying down

>> Yeah, they're not going to take this

>> Yeah they're not going to take this

laying down. They're going to take it

laying down They're going to take it

propped up in a recliner with a trash

can the roommate gave you just in case.

can the roommate gave you just in case

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

My guests are Don Cheadle and Jake

Tapper. Come back. Meanwhile,

Tapper Come back Meanwhile

for me. Yeah.

for me Yeah

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