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[bright instrumental music playing]

bright instrumental music playing

[typing]

typing

[Emma] A novel by Emma…

Emma A novel by Emma

Mm…

T. Wilde.

T Wilde

"DCI Penny…

DCI Penny

Something

had seen some murder scenes in her time,

had seen some murder scenes in her time

but never one as…

but never one as

…as this."

as this

"'Who moved the body?'

'Who moved the body'

she said."

she said

"Snapped."

Snapped

"Demanded."

Demanded

"Entreated."

Entreated

"Screamed"?

Screamed

"She said."

She said

[sighs]

sighs

[in funny voice] Nice cup of tea for the lady?

in funny voice Nice cup of tea for the lady

-No, thanks. -[grunts]

No thanks grunts

[in Scottish accent] Or eggy bread?

in Scottish accent Or eggy bread

Can I do you some eggy bread, my wee midgie?

Can I do you some eggy bread my wee midgie

-No. Not for me. Thanks. -[in normal voice] No?

No Not for me Thanks in normal voice No

Now, who is Emma T. Wilde?

Now who is Emma T Wilde

-Why's she using a word processor? -Don't read over my shoulder, Ian.

Why's she using a word processor Don't read over my shoulder Ian

So very sorry. Thought you might need a reader.

So very sorry Thought you might need a reader

It doesn't deserve a reader. It's crap.

It doesn't deserve a reader It's crap

Uh, it's not crap. Nothing you do is crap.

Uh it's not crap Nothing you do is crap

[sighs] Hmm?

sighs Hmm

-Why don't you go back to the play? -'Cause that too is crap.

Why don't you go back to the play 'Cause that too is crap

-[smoke alarm blaring] -Oh shit!

smoke alarm blaring Oh shit

[sighs] Oh God.

sighs Oh God

-[pots clattering] -[Ian groans]

pots clattering Ian groans

[Emma] I'm going out tonight.

Emma I'm going out tonight

-I'm gonna stink. -[Ian grunts] Hot, hot, hot!

I'm gonna stink Ian grunts Hot hot hot

-You cannot eat that. It's burned. -You say burned. I say crispy.

You cannot eat that It's burned You say burned I say crispy

Let's call the whole thing off.

Let's call the whole thing off

-[siren wailing outside] -[Emma sighs]

siren wailing outside Emma sighs

Really wish you wouldn't fry that when I'm about to go out.

Really wish you wouldn't fry that when I'm about to go out

-I've gotta wash my hair again now. -No, you don't.

I've gotta wash my hair again now No you don't

Come here.

Come here

-[inhales] That's my favorite smell. -Yeah. Bacon.

inhales That's my favorite smell Yeah Bacon

[grunts] Sorry.

grunts Sorry

[phone ringing]

phone ringing

-[receiver clatters] -[Ian] Mm. Whitehead-Morley residence.

receiver clatters Ian Mm Whitehead-Morley residence

Hello, Leeds.

Hello Leeds

[laughs] We did lift up the carpet, yeah. No, there was no hardwood floor.

laughs We did lift up the carpet yeah No there was no hardwood floor

It was just damp chipboard and old newspapers, which was a shame.

It was just damp chipboard and old newspapers which was a shame

[shower running]

shower running

Yeah. Yeah, but at least we are homeowners.

Yeah Yeah but at least we are homeowners

-It's ours. -Ian, have you seen my razor?

It's ours Ian have you seen my razor

Things aren't that bad, are they? [laughs]

Things aren't that bad are they laughs

Just on the phone to your mom and dad.

Just on the phone to your mom and dad

-Tell them I'll call back tomorrow. -It's fine. They called to speak to me.

Tell them I'll call back tomorrow It's fine They called to speak to me

[chewing] She's good, yeah.

chewing She's good yeah

I do have a gig tonight. Yeah. Open mic, yeah.

I do have a gig tonight Yeah Open mic yeah

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Yeah Mm-hmm

Emma's… She's writing. Tap, tap, tap.

Emma's She's writing Tap tap tap

[chuckles]

chuckles

Oh yeah. It's all happening. Yeah.

Oh yeah It's all happening Yeah

[gentle music playing]

gentle music playing

[Ian] Mm. Mm.

Ian Mm Mm

-Yeah. Yeah. -[book thuds]

Yeah Yeah book thuds

[Ian laughs]

Ian laughs

[audience cheers]

audience cheers

Next week, llamas who can hum,

Next week llamas who can hum

and baby monkeys who are being reunited with their mom.

and baby monkeys who are being reunited with their mom

-Aww! [laughs] -[closing theme playing]

Aww laughs closing theme playing

Cannot wait for that.

Cannot wait for that

Hope to see you here at seven o'clock, BBC One, next week.

Hope to see you here at seven o'clock BBC One next week

-Good night. -[audience cheers]

Good night audience cheers

Hey.

Hey

-No, thank you. -Sure.

No thank you Sure

Cheers.

Cheers

[phone beeps]

phone beeps

-[call connects] -Hey.

call connects Hey

-Babe, did you see it? -No, sorry. I'm in town.

Babe did you see it No sorry I'm in town

[man] All right, Dex?

man All right Dex

-How'd it go? -Yeah, it was great.

How'd it go Yeah it was great

Nine million last week up against the football.

Nine million last week up against the football

Hopefully, this week we'll get more.

Hopefully this week we'll get more

What time are you back? There's a party later.

What time are you back There's a party later

Dex, what are you like?

Dex what are you like

-Well, it's all part of the job. -Is it?

Well it's all part of the job Is it

-Of course it is. -Thanks.

Of course it is Thanks

-Aren't you filming tomorrow? -Yeah. Yeah.

Aren't you filming tomorrow Yeah Yeah

But not till four.

But not till four

I'm knackered. I'm gonna have a night in.

I'm knackered I'm gonna have a night in

-[sighs] -Gotta go. Love you.

sighs Gotta go Love you

[Emma] Excuse me.

Emma Excuse me

-Are you television's Dexter Mayhew? -The very same.

Are you television's Dexter Mayhew The very same

[sighs] Oh God, it's so nice to be out.

sighs Oh God it's so nice to be out

And it's been so long.

And it's been so long

-Well, not that long. -Eh.

Well not that long Eh

-You look lovely. -Ugh. No, I don't.

You look lovely Ugh No I don't

-Cool shoes. -Saxone.

Cool shoes Saxone

-£12.99. -Mm.

1299 Mm

One day, I'm gonna give you a compliment, and you won't reply with the price.

One day I'm gonna give you a compliment and you won't reply with the price

No. Never.

No Never

[both chuckle]

both chuckle

Come on.

Come on

[horn honks]

horn honks

Ah, of course you've succumbed.

Ah of course you've succumbed

-To what? -You've got a mobile.

To what You've got a mobile

[Dexter] All right, you've got a choice.

Dexter All right you've got a choice

Either you can phone me.

Either you can phone me

Actually me, personally.

Actually me personally

Or you can phone a building,

Or you can phone a building

in which I might just happen to be in at the time.

in which I might just happen to be in at the time

The building.

The building

-And what if I don't pick up? -God forbid you should miss a call.

And what if I don't pick up God forbid you should miss a call

-I give you six months before you cave. -Never.

I give you six months before you cave Never

-That sounds like a bet. -Okay, a bet.

That sounds like a bet Okay a bet

If I ever get a mobile phone, you can buy me dinner.

If I ever get a mobile phone you can buy me dinner

[scoffs]

scoffs

-What, again? -[both laugh]

What again both laugh

-[Emma] Rude. -Come on. You're gonna like this place.

Emma Rude Come on You're gonna like this place

["Rocks" by Primal Scream playing]

Rocks by Primal Scream playing

[indistinct chatter]

indistinct chatter

-Hiya. The usual? -Yeah.

Hiya The usual Yeah

PizzaExpress would've been fine.

PizzaExpress would've been fine

Amazing, eh?

Amazing eh

It looks like a cruise ship.

It looks like a cruise ship

So nautical. Nautical but nice.

So nautical Nautical but nice

What time do we hit the iceberg? [chuckles]

What time do we hit the iceberg chuckles

-Ian joining us tonight? -What?

Ian joining us tonight What

You sound like Ian.

You sound like Ian

[imitating Ian] "Nautical but nice."

imitating Ian Nautical but nice

[scoffs] Dexter!

scoffs Dexter

What?

What

Love Ian.

Love Ian

-Top bloke, Ian. -Mm.

Top bloke Ian Mm

-You should hear what he says about you. -Come on. Let's get a drink.

You should hear what he says about you Come on Let's get a drink

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Yeah yeah yeah

♪ Get your rocks off Get your rocks off, honey… ♪

Get your rocks off Get your rocks off honey

-What do you want, Em? -Oh. Just a G&T, please.

What do you want Em Oh Just a GT please

Oh God, no. You're not in the pub now. Have a proper drink.

Oh God no You're not in the pub now Have a proper drink

-[bartender] Yes, sir? -Two martinis. Bombay Sapphire.

bartender Yes sir Two martinis Bombay Sapphire

-Very dry, with a twist. -Prego.

Very dry with a twist Prego

Trust me. Best martinis in London.

Trust me Best martinis in London

Look. Look.

Look Look

The trick is to get everything really cold at the start.

The trick is to get everything really cold at the start

-[ice cubes clink] -Ice water in the glass.

ice cubes clink Ice water in the glass

Gin in the freezer.

Gin in the freezer

[cocktail shaker rattling]

cocktail shaker rattling

And how do you know all this?

And how do you know all this

My mom taught me when I was, like, nine.

My mom taught me when I was like nine

Oh. [chuckles]

Oh chuckles

Well, then.

Well then

To Alison.

To Alison

-That was nice. What was that for? -I'm happy to see you.

That was nice What was that for I'm happy to see you

Mm.

Oh God.

Oh God

I've never had one of these before.

I've never had one of these before

It's like getting punched in the face by a drink.

It's like getting punched in the face by a drink

Instant drunkenness, which is exactly what I need.

Instant drunkenness which is exactly what I need

Oh?

-Oh God. I don't even know where to start. -Don't start yet.

Oh God I don't even know where to start Don't start yet

I'm just off to the loo. They're incredible here.

I'm just off to the loo They're incredible here

The best in London.

The best in London

♪ Get your rocks off, honey ♪

Get your rocks off honey

♪ Shake it now, now ♪

Shake it now now

♪ Get 'em off downtown… ♪

Get 'em off downtown

[patrons chatting and shouting]

patrons chatting and shouting

-[seller] Cigarettes? -Huh? Oh. Um…

seller Cigarettes Huh Oh Um

[clicks tongue]

clicks tongue

-Would you like anything? -Oh. No, I'm sorry. I don't smoke.

Would you like anything Oh No I'm sorry I don't smoke

Thanks.

Thanks

[Dexter] Hello, you.

Dexter Hello you

Cigarettes, sir?

Cigarettes sir

-I'll have 20 reds, please. -Mm-hmm.

I'll have 20 reds please Mm-hmm

Thank you. Keep the change.

Thank you Keep the change

Cigarette girl. They're famous for it here.

Cigarette girl They're famous for it here

[scoffs]

scoffs

Mm. Come on. Let's go to our table.

Mm Come on Let's go to our table

-♪ Get your rocks off ♪ -Mm.

Get your rocks off Mm

[energetic music playing]

energetic music playing

[woman laughs]

woman laughs

It's modern British.

It's modern British

I'm gonna have the oysters.

I'm gonna have the oysters

-They're natives, I think. -Ah. Are they friendly?

They're natives I think Ah Are they friendly

-What? -The natives. Are they friendly?

What The natives Are they friendly

-Ian's back. -Dexter.

Ian's back Dexter

How is Mr. Ha Ha?

How is Mr Ha Ha

It's a genuine question.

It's a genuine question

Yeah. He's good.

Yeah He's good

He's, um, got a gig tonight.

He's um got a gig tonight

And the flat's coming along. We're on the ladder and all that.

And the flat's coming along We're on the ladder and all that

My parents are delighted. They love Ian.

My parents are delighted They love Ian

I think my mom might actually be in love with him.

I think my mom might actually be in love with him

[Dexter chuckles]

Dexter chuckles

-How come I've never met your mom? -[Emma] Why would you?

How come I've never met your mom Emma Why would you

They've never visited me in London. Not once. Well, till now.

They've never visited me in London Not once Well till now

Now that I've got a boyfriend and my own home, it's like, "Ah."

Now that I've got a boyfriend and my own home it's like Ah

"Now you make sense to us."

Now you make sense to us

Mm.

My mom sends Ian packages. My dad rings him for a chat.

My mom sends Ian packages My dad rings him for a chat

We're going on a four-day walking holiday in the Dales in September.

We're going on a four-day walking holiday in the Dales in September

It's quite, um, intense. Bit of a runaway train.

It's quite um intense Bit of a runaway train

-[waiter] What can I get you? -Uh…

waiter What can I get you Uh

Twelve of the native oysters, please.

Twelve of the native oysters please

They're sweeter than rock oysters, and they're more delicate.

They're sweeter than rock oysters and they're more delicate

I'll have the onglet,

I'll have the onglet

and one more dry martini. And…

and one more dry martini And

Oh, um…

Oh um

Uh, yeah. Just the cod and chips is fine, thanks.

Uh yeah Just the cod and chips is fine thanks

You're very knowledgeable all of a sudden.

You're very knowledgeable all of a sudden

-Meaning? -You seem to know a lot about food.

Meaning You seem to know a lot about food

I love food and wine. I eat out most days now.

I love food and wine I eat out most days now

As a matter of fact,

As a matter of fact

I've been asked if I want to review for one of the Sundays.

I've been asked if I want to review for one of the Sundays

Wow. Really? You're reviewing restaurants?

Wow Really You're reviewing restaurants

Uh, cocktail bars.

Uh cocktail bars

They've given me a weekly column called "Barfly."

They've given me a weekly column called Barfly

It's, uh, sort of a man-about-town kind of thing.

It's uh sort of a man-about-town kind of thing

And you'd write it yourself?

And you'd write it yourself

Of course I'd write it myself. [chuckles]

Of course I'd write it myself chuckles

Who else would write it?

Who else would write it

Hmm. Red or white?

Hmm Red or white

I think we should start with

a nice biscuity Muscadet,

a nice biscuity Muscadet

and then a Margaux.

and then a Margaux

[mumbles]

mumbles

Uh, how's Callum?

Uh how's Callum

Do you see much of him, or…

Do you see much of him or

No. No, not really.

No No not really

Uh, why force it? You know. We have nothing in common.

Uh why force it You know We have nothing in common

I think it's important not to be too sentimental about these things.

I think it's important not to be too sentimental about these things

[patrons cheer]

patrons cheer

I just love the vibe in this place.

I just love the vibe in this place

I mean, it's… it's… it's smart.

I mean it's it's it's smart

But a bit theatrical.

But a bit theatrical

-It's fun. -Is she having fun, do you think?

It's fun Is she having fun do you think

[Dexter] I don't know, Em. Are the waiters?

Dexter I don't know Em Are the waiters

The barman?

The barman

It's a job. It's the same.

It's a job It's the same

It's not quite the same. She's the only one showing her ass.

It's not quite the same She's the only one showing her ass

Well, what can I say? Maybe her woolly black tights are in the wash.

Well what can I say Maybe her woolly black tights are in the wash

Maybe she's enjoying it. Maybe she feels sexy in that outfit.

Maybe she's enjoying it Maybe she feels sexy in that outfit

-That's feminism, isn't it? -First wave or second?

That's feminism isn't it First wave or second

[sighs]

sighs

Can we just not tonight?

Can we just not tonight

[clears throat]

clears throat

-I'd quite like to have a nice time. -Yeah. So would I.

I'd quite like to have a nice time Yeah So would I

[Dexter] Great.

Dexter Great

Well, Tilly's good.

Well Tilly's good

Yeah. She's lusting after this guy from Nottingham called Graham.

Yeah She's lusting after this guy from Nottingham called Graham

-Acid House Graham, we call him-- -Back soon.

Acid House Graham we call him- Back soon

[intense dance music playing]

intense dance music playing

[bell dings]

bell dings

-[glass shatters] -[group cheers]

glass shatters group cheers

[exhales, clears throat]

exhales clears throat

Same again, please.

Same again please

More? Already?

More Already

What can I say? I'm like one of those beagles.

What can I say I'm like one of those beagles

[chuckles]

chuckles

-[Dexter] Just can't stop myself. -[seller laughs]

Dexter Just can't stop myself seller laughs

Thank you.

Thank you

Just out of interest, what time do you finish today?

Just out of interest what time do you finish today

-[chuckles] -[laughs]

chuckles laughs

[Dexter sniffles]

Dexter sniffles

[exhales]

exhales

Do you two know each other?

Do you two know each other

Oh. No, no, no, no.

Oh No no no no

I just had to stock up. There's a party later.

I just had to stock up There's a party later

[slurps]

slurps

Mm.

My mate, Oliver.

My mate Oliver

-I've told you about him. He's a baronet. -Oh, and?

I've told you about him He's a baronet Oh and

What do you mean?

What do you mean

What's that got to do with anything? Why mention it?

What's that got to do with anything Why mention it

Uh, to identify him. [chuckles]

Uh to identify him chuckles

I know about nine people called Oliver. Lemon?

I know about nine people called Oliver Lemon

No, thanks.

No thanks

[Dexter exhales]

Dexter exhales

So where's the party?

So where's the party

[clears throat] Holland Park.

clears throat Holland Park

Massive great house.

Massive great house

Everyone from my show's gonna be there. Bands, actors.

Everyone from my show's gonna be there Bands actors

-You're, um… You're welcome to come. -Mm. Sounds like it.

You're um You're welcome to come Mm Sounds like it

No, of course you are. It's just… You won't know anyone, that's all.

No of course you are It's just You won't know anyone that's all

I'll know you.

I'll know you

[seller] Having fun?

seller Having fun

Hi.

-[Emma] And Suki. -Yeah.

Emma And Suki Yeah

Suki's doing really well, isn't she? Her new show is massive.

Suki's doing really well isn't she Her new show is massive

Yeah, we both are.

Yeah we both are

You know, I prefer doing the late-night stuff.

You know I prefer doing the late-night stuff

More edgy.

More edgy

How's it going?

How's it going

-Everyone wants a piece. It's mad. -I meant with the two of you.

Everyone wants a piece It's mad I meant with the two of you

Yeah, she's great.

Yeah she's great

She gets it.

She gets it

Gets what?

Gets what

Being on telly.

Being on telly

She… She… She understands.

She She She understands

Well, that's romantic.

Well that's romantic

[sighs]

sighs

So this party, it's… You know.

So this party it's You know

Uh… [smacks lips]

Uh smacks lips

-I'm just worried about you getting home. -It's okay, Dex. I get it.

I'm just worried about you getting home It's okay Dex I get it

No. No, I want you to come. Of course I do.

No No I want you to come Of course I do

Let's play it by ear, yeah?

Let's play it by ear yeah

-Yeah, okay. -[sniffles] Just a sec.

Yeah okay sniffles Just a sec

["Glorybox" by Portishead playing]

Glorybox by Portishead playing

[sizzling]

sizzling

♪ I'm so tired ♪

I'm so tired

♪ Of playing ♪

Of playing

♪ Playing with this bow and arrow ♪

Playing with this bow and arrow

♪ Gonna give my heart away ♪

Gonna give my heart away

♪ Leave it to the other girls to play ♪

Leave it to the other girls to play

♪ For I've been a temptress too long ♪

For I've been a temptress too long

[woman] Love the show, Dex.

woman Love the show Dex

Thank you.

Thank you

♪ Give me a reason to love you ♪

Give me a reason to love you

[exhales]

exhales

♪ Give me a reason… ♪

Give me a reason

[Dexter] Got a tutorial?

Dexter Got a tutorial

[Dexter sighs]

Dexter sighs

-How's your steak? -Sensational.

How's your steak Sensational

Yeah. Really rare.

Yeah Really rare

-How's the fish? -Cold.

How's the fish Cold

It's opaque. That's how fish is supposed to be cooked. So it turns opaque.

It's opaque That's how fish is supposed to be cooked So it turns opaque

Dexter, it's opaque because it's been deep-frozen.

Dexter it's opaque because it's been deep-frozen

It hasn't been fully defrosted.

It hasn't been fully defrosted

Is it?

Is it

Are you… [scoffs]

Are you scoffs

I'm not paying for fucking Birds Eye fucking frozen fish. Hey!

I'm not paying for fucking Birds Eye fucking frozen fish Hey

Can you take this off the bill? It's not cooked. And we'll see the menu.

Can you take this off the bill It's not cooked And we'll see the menu

-I'm fine. -[Dexter] It's not fine.

I'm fine Dexter It's not fine

-You need a main course. -I'm really not hungry.

You need a main course I'm really not hungry

Can you just get something? They're not gonna understand if you don't.

Can you just get something They're not gonna understand if you don't

A green salad, please.

A green salad please

This is going well.

This is going well

[sighs]

sighs

What?

What

What have I done? Hmm.

What have I done Hmm

What have I done now?

What have I done now

Can we just… Can we just go back to what we were talking about before?

Can we just Can we just go back to what we were talking about before

Ian, your mom.

Ian your mom

Let's not.

Let's not

Fine. Then tell me something new.

Fine Then tell me something new

Uh, your writing. How's the play?

Uh your writing How's the play

-It's a novel. -[Dexter] A novel?

It's a novel Dexter A novel

Last time I saw you, you were writing a play.

Last time I saw you you were writing a play

Yeah, but it wasn't working, so I moved on.

Yeah but it wasn't working so I moved on

Okay. [sighs]

Okay sighs

-Meaning? -It's just…

Meaning It's just

-Never mind. -No, come on. What?

Never mind No come on What

What's the point starting things if you're never gonna finish them?

What's the point starting things if you're never gonna finish them

-[mutters] -I mean, seriously, Em. Huh?

mutters I mean seriously Em Huh

Have you finished anything since, what? The year after we left Edinburgh?

Have you finished anything since what The year after we left Edinburgh

I've got this friend, okay? She's a screenwriter.

I've got this friend okay She's a screenwriter

She's super successful. She says if you're talking about writing,

She's super successful She says if you're talking about writing

then you're not writing. Either you're writing or you're not.

then you're not writing Either you're writing or you're not

-Do it or don't do it. -[Emma] Wow.

Do it or don't do it Emma Wow

Thanks, Dexter, for that valuable tip.

Thanks Dexter for that valuable tip

The thing is, maybe your friend doesn't also work full-time,

The thing is maybe your friend doesn't also work full-time

so she may not understand it's not quite as simple as that.

so she may not understand it's not quite as simple as that

[chuckles] Is that the issue?

chuckles Is that the issue

Come on, Em. That's not the issue.

Come on Em That's not the issue

-But you don't wanna hear it. -Hear what?

But you don't wanna hear it Hear what

Look, it's your life.

Look it's your life

Okay? But if you ever wanna get out of teaching--

Okay But if you ever wanna get out of teaching-

-Why would I want to get out? -You're shouting.

Why would I want to get out You're shouting

-I'm a bloody good teacher. -Yep. No doubt.

I'm a bloody good teacher Yep No doubt

[song ends]

song ends

You know what they say about teaching, right?

You know what they say about teaching right

No, Dex.

No Dex

I'm not familiar. What do they say?

I'm not familiar What do they say

[sighs]

sighs

Those who can, do.

Those who can do

Those who can't…

Those who can't

-Say, "Fuck yourself, Dexter!" -Jesus Christ!

Say Fuck yourself Dexter Jesus Christ

[patrons murmuring]

patrons murmuring

Shit!

Shit

[groans]

groans

-No more martinis for you. -Get off me.

No more martinis for you Get off me

-Are you okay? -[crying] Yeah.

Are you okay crying Yeah

[sighs]

sighs

[somber music playing]

somber music playing

[whistling in distance]

whistling in distance

Emma! Emma, come on.

Emma Emma come on

-[groans] Come on. Come on. -The night's over, Dexter. I'm going home.

groans Come on Come on The night's over Dexter I'm going home

Whatever it is I've done, I'm sorry. Whatever you are angry about--

Whatever it is I've done I'm sorry Whatever you are angry about-

-You don't know? -No, I don't know!

You don't know No I don't know

I don't know. So can you please just… just chill the fuck out?

I don't know So can you please just just chill the fuck out

We can go somewhere and calm down. We're both a bit pissed.

We can go somewhere and calm down We're both a bit pissed

No, you're pissed.

No you're pissed

You're always drunk or off your face on something every single time I see you.

You're always drunk or off your face on something every single time I see you

Do you realize I haven't seen you sober for about three years?

Do you realize I haven't seen you sober for about three years

I don't remember what you're like sober.

I don't remember what you're like sober

And running to the loo every ten minutes. I don't know if it's dysentery or coke,

And running to the loo every ten minutes I don't know if it's dysentery or coke

but either way, it's fucking rude. And most of all, it's boring.

but either way it's fucking rude And most of all it's boring

Even if you are there, it's in body only.

Even if you are there it's in body only

The whole time you're looking over my shoulder for a better option.

The whole time you're looking over my shoulder for a better option

-Not true. -"This one's a baronet."

Not true This one's a baronet

"This one's got a bloody great house." It's such bollocks, Dexter.

This one's got a bloody great house It's such bollocks Dexter

[sniffles] Okay, you're a TV presenter.

sniffles Okay you're a TV presenter

You've not invented penicillin, broken a deadlock on the security council.

You've not invented penicillin broken a deadlock on the security council

It's TV, and it's crap TV at that. Well, sod it. I've had enough.

It's TV and it's crap TV at that Well sod it I've had enough

Look, can we go somewhere and talk about this?

Look can we go somewhere and talk about this

-I don't wanna talk about it. -Stop. It's me!

I don't wanna talk about it Stop It's me

It's me. Please, just come here.

It's me Please just come here

-[Emma sniffles] -[sighs]

Emma sniffles sighs

Why are you being like this, Dexter?

Why are you being like this Dexter

-I'm just being myself. -No, you're not.

I'm just being myself No you're not

I know what you're like. This isn't you.

I know what you're like This isn't you

You're horrible like this, Dexter. You're obnoxious.

You're horrible like this Dexter You're obnoxious

You always were a bit obnoxious, every now and then.

You always were a bit obnoxious every now and then

A bit full of yourself. But you were funny too,

A bit full of yourself But you were funny too

and kind sometimes, and interested in people other than yourself.

and kind sometimes and interested in people other than yourself

-[quietly] I'm just having fun. -I know.

quietly I'm just having fun I know

I know you've been through a lot in the last few years with your mom.

I know you've been through a lot in the last few years with your mom

I've tried to understand that. Really, I have, but

I've tried to understand that Really I have but

you're just not the person I used to know.

you're just not the person I used to know

We're not friends anymore, Dex. We're just not.

We're not friends anymore Dex We're just not

-You're always canceling and postponing. -Or you are.

You're always canceling and postponing Or you are

But tonight, there was stuff I needed to talk to you about.

But tonight there was stuff I needed to talk to you about

About Ian and me.

About Ian and me

But I can't talk to you anymore, and if I can't,

But I can't talk to you anymore and if I can't

then what's the point of this?

then what's the point of this

Maybe it's just done.

Maybe it's just done

-What's done? -Us.

What's done Us

The friendship.

The friendship

You said it yourself. There's no point getting sentimental about it.

You said it yourself There's no point getting sentimental about it

-Move on. One in, one out. -Oh, I wasn't talking about us.

Move on One in one out Oh I wasn't talking about us

I mean, we're Dex and Em. Aren't we?

I mean we're Dex and Em Aren't we

No. You used to make me feel good about myself.

No You used to make me feel good about myself

But now you make me feel like shit.

But now you make me feel like shit

Like I'm not cool enough or interesting enough or ambitious enough.

Like I'm not cool enough or interesting enough or ambitious enough

-I don't think that. -Well, good. 'Cause it's bollocks.

I don't think that Well good 'Cause it's bollocks

I am cool and interesting and ambitious.

I am cool and interesting and ambitious

In fact, I'm fucking great, and you used to think so too. [sniffles]

In fact I'm fucking great and you used to think so too sniffles

If you don't, fine. I'm not up for being treated like an obligation.

If you don't fine I'm not up for being treated like an obligation

Like a chore. Like you always want to be somewhere else with someone else.

Like a chore Like you always want to be somewhere else with someone else

Sometimes I just get a bit carried away, all right?

Sometimes I just get a bit carried away all right

If you weren't so judgmental all the time.

If you weren't so judgmental all the time

-Am I? -Yeah.

Am I Yeah

Well, I…

Well I

I… I don't think I am. Well, I… I try not to be.

I I don't think I am Well I I try not to be

Yeah. Well, you are.

Yeah Well you are

And patronizing.

And patronizing

And… censorious.

And censorious

-Censorious? -You're doing it again!

Censorious You're doing it again

What am I doing?

What am I doing

"Censorious?" Like, "How could he know that word?"

Censorious Like How could he know that word

Because I'm so thick.

Because I'm so thick

Such a lunk.

Such a lunk

So beneath you.

So beneath you

"How could he ever possibly write his own column?"

How could he ever possibly write his own column

"I'm Emma Morley. I got a first."

I'm Emma Morley I got a first

-What the fuck are you talking about? -So fucking what, Em?

What the fuck are you talking about So fucking what Em

'Cause here in the real world, I'm actually doing really well.

'Cause here in the real world I'm actually doing really well

And all you ever do is mock it.

And all you ever do is mock it

But, you know,

But you know

envy is the tax you pay on success and all that.

envy is the tax you pay on success and all that

[under breath] Wow.

under breath Wow

Is that really what you think is going on here?

Is that really what you think is going on here

-Fuck this. -No. I…

Fuck this No I

Listen. I remember when we were 22, and you said,

Listen I remember when we were 22 and you said

"What do you wanna be when you're 40?" And I said, "Rich and famous,"

What do you wanna be when you're 40 And I said Rich and famous

and you took the piss.

and you took the piss

Fine.

Fine

But I did it.

But I did it

I actually did what I said I was gonna do.

I actually did what I said I was gonna do

I may not be 40 yet, but I made it happen.

I may not be 40 yet but I made it happen

And you?

And you

What?

What

You haven't, Em.

You haven't Em

I don't know what you said you wanted from this world,

I don't know what you said you wanted from this world

but I'm sure this wasn't it.

but I'm sure this wasn't it

"This"?

This

Throwing your lot in with someone who adores you, who you don't love.

Throwing your lot in with someone who adores you who you don't love

Am I wrong?

Am I wrong

[scoffs]

scoffs

Bye, Dex.

Bye Dex

Emma.

Emma

[Emma] I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore.

Emma I'm sorry I can't do this anymore

[Dexter] Emma!

Dexter Emma

[somber string music playing]

somber string music playing

[inhales sharply]

inhales sharply

[sighs]

sighs

[quietly] Ah, shit.

quietly Ah shit

[dog barking in distance]

dog barking in distance

[man on TV] Yes, he was telling the truth. But only part of it.

man on TV Yes he was telling the truth But only part of it

His master is indeed, as you rightly said, a monster.

His master is indeed as you rightly said a monster

-He's also a vampire. -Hmm. You're back early.

He's also a vampire Hmm You're back early

How was Terry Wogan?

How was Terry Wogan

Awful. [sighs]

Awful sighs

Why? What happened?

Why What happened

I don't wanna talk about it.

I don't wanna talk about it

How was the gig?

How was the gig

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm

-Did you do the cats and dogs thing? -Yep.

Did you do the cats and dogs thing Yep

Was there heckling?

Was there heckling

-Yeah, a little bit. -Mm.

Yeah a little bit Mm

Maybe it's not your best material.

Maybe it's not your best material

-A bit of booing, actually, tonight. -Booing?

A bit of booing actually tonight Booing

Oh.

-That's just part of it, though, isn't it? -Mm.

That's just part of it though isn't it Mm

Suppose so.

Suppose so

I suppose sometimes I just worry.

I suppose sometimes I just worry

What?

What

That I might not be very funny.

That I might not be very funny

Ian.

Ian

Oui?

Oui

You are a very, very funny man.

You are a very very funny man

[chuckles softly] Thanks, Em.

chuckles softly Thanks Em

["The Wild Ones" by Suede playing]

The Wild Ones by Suede playing

♪ Mmm, there's a song playing ♪

Mmm there's a song playing

♪ On the radio ♪

On the radio

♪ Sky high in the airwaves ♪

Sky high in the airwaves

♪ On the morning show ♪

On the morning show

♪ And there's a lifeline slippin' ♪

And there's a lifeline slippin'

♪ As the record plays ♪

As the record plays

♪ As I open the blinds ♪

As I open the blinds

♪ In my mind, I'm believing ♪

In my mind I'm believing

♪ That you could stay ♪

That you could stay

♪ And oh, if you stay ♪

And oh if you stay

♪ Well, I'll chase The rain-blown fears away ♪

Well I'll chase The rain-blown fears away

♪ We'll shine like the morning ♪

We'll shine like the morning

♪ And sin in the sun ♪

And sin in the sun

♪ Oh, if you stay ♪

Oh if you stay

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