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[Music]
Music
Today is day six of the government
Today is day six of the government
shutdown. As you know, it lasts for 8
shutdown As you know it lasts for 8
days.
days
I may be confusing that with Hanukkah,
I may be confusing that with Hanukkah
but so far the effects of the shutdown
but so far the effects of the shutdown
keep getting worse. Millions of
keep getting worse Millions of
Americans this morning feeling the pain,
Americans this morning feeling the pain
experiencing delays at airports. Food
experiencing delays at airports Food
benefits to moms and young children
benefits to moms and young children
could dry up in days and national parks
could dry up in days and national parks
and monuments are partially closed.
and monuments are partially closed
I don't want to hardship shame anyone,
I don't want to hardship shame anyone
but there is a significant gap
but there is a significant gap
between partially closed monuments and
between partially closed monuments and
your children will starve.
your children will starve
Old people will be forced to eat their
Old people will be forced to eat their
pets.
pets
And the Department of Treasury
And the Department of Treasury
thermostats will have to be kept at 66.
thermostats will have to be kept at 66
Wear a sweater. I mean, really, who's
Wear a sweater I mean really who's
taking a hit on the monument thing?
taking a hit on the monument thing
>> This tourist, David, all the way from
>> This tourist David all the way from
Italy, saying Alcatraz was supposed to
Italy saying Alcatraz was supposed to
be the highlight of his visit to the
be the highlight of his visit to the
bay. I feel no good bad because uh I I
bay I feel no good bad because uh I I
come from Italy for say Alcatra that
come from Italy for say Alcatra that
Russian and now we can't then uh it's
Russian and now we can't then uh it's
not good feeling. Not good.
not good feeling Not good
[Applause]
Applause
growing up in my country.
growing up in my country
I was a little a little boy
I was a little a little boy
been beaten and I always I say to my
been beaten and I always I say to my
friends
friends
Maro someday
Maro someday
someday
someday
I'm going to travel
I'm going to travel
not at the 3,000 mi not of the 5,000 mi
not at the 3000 mi not of the 5000 mi
over the 6,000 miles
over the 6000 miles
to see one day a notorious prison turned
to see one day a notorious prison turned
into a museum.
into a museum
[Music]
Music
And when I get there, and oh, I will get
And when I get there and oh I will get
there.
there
When I get to the senatorious prison,
When I get to the senatorious prison
turn a a museum on my father's life.
turn a a museum on my father's life
I am going to buy a shot of glass.
I am going to buy a shot of glass
A shot of glass with
A shot of glass with
mother. If if this could happen, I shot
mother If if this could happen I shot
the glass with the name of it that
the glass with the name of it that
praise him.
praise him
Frosted under the glass.
Frosted under the glass
And my friends as a kid, they said to
And my friends as a kid they said to
me, "Zo,
me Zo
this is a big plan. Uh, when this
this is a big plan Uh when this
happens, maybe you should check out the
happens maybe you should check out the
website
website
and maybe
and maybe
you Oh, you should have make sure it's
you Oh you should have make sure it's
still open, huh?
still open huh
You happy government. Look what you did.
You happy government Look what you did
Look what you did to the poor fella.
Look what you did to the poor fella
Yes. A
Yes A
If liberals had their way, he'd be
If liberals had their way he'd be
hosting the halftime show at the Super
hosting the halftime show at the Super
Bowl. Yeah.
Bowl Yeah
Liberal.
Liberal
Poor guy from Italy. He just wants to,
Poor guy from Italy He just wants to
oh my, I just want to visit a museum.
oh my I just want to visit a museum
But if the fat cats in DC would just get
But if the fat cats in DC would just get
out of their beltway bubble, they'd hear
out of their beltway bubble they'd hear
from real common sense Americans about
from real common sense Americans about
how to end this troubling shutdown.
how to end this troubling shutdown
>> Lock them up in a room until they come
>> Lock them up in a room until they come
to an agreement. Don't let them out.
to an agreement Don't let them out
[Applause]
Applause
I did I did not see that coming.
I did I did not see that coming
[Applause]
Applause
>> Obviously the shutdown is personal to
>> Obviously the shutdown is personal to
Mr. Fester
Mr Fester
[Applause]
Applause
on disability and his hand
on disability and his hand
companion a data analyst with the
companion a data analyst with the
department of labor management.
department of labor management
Obviously, if the shutdown continues, he
Obviously if the shutdown continues he
will be forced to return to giving hand
will be forced to return to giving hand
jobs in truck stop bathrooms.
jobs in truck stop bathrooms
[Applause]
Applause
Do not shame sex work.
Do not shame sex work
Do not shame sex work. He's going to
Do not shame sex work He's going to
have a tough enough time at the truck
have a tough enough time at the truck
stop. Oh, handy.
stop Oh handy
I guess that degree didn't work out so
I guess that degree didn't work out so
well, did it, college boy?
well did it college boy
Now stop snapping
Now stop snapping
and start tugging.
and start tugging
[Applause]
Applause
>> You know
>> You know
the bathroom a hand job. I was really
the bathroom a hand job I was really
looking forward to that
looking forward to that
since the shutdown.
since the shutdown
[Music]
Music
Now, as you'll recall, the shutdown
Now as you'll recall the shutdown
began because in order to pass a budget
began because in order to pass a budget
bill in the Senate, you need 60 votes,
bill in the Senate you need 60 votes
as the founders never mentioned. And so,
as the founders never mentioned And so
Democrats have come forth with a laundry
Democrats have come forth with a laundry
list of demands to force the Republican
list of demands to force the Republican
I'm just kidding. They want like two
I'm just kidding They want like two
things. Democrats demanding that
things Democrats demanding that
Republicans reverse cuts to Medicaid and
Republicans reverse cuts to Medicaid and
extend expiring Obamacare subsidies to
extend expiring Obamacare subsidies to
prevent insurance premiums from rising
prevent insurance premiums from rising
for some 20 million Americans.
for some 20 million Americans
>> Those bastards.
>> Those bastards
It's like they don't even want people to
It's like they don't even want people to
die of generally preventable diseases.
die of generally preventable diseases
>> I wonder what this seemingly reasonable
>> I wonder what this seemingly reasonable
and narrow request will sound like when
and narrow request will sound like when
put through the foxometer.
put through the foxometer
>> American taxpayers hard-earned dollars
>> American taxpayers hard-earned dollars
would be paying for benefits for illegal
would be paying for benefits for illegal
aliens. extend policy that gives
aliens extend policy that gives
millions of illegal aliens
millions of illegal aliens
uh free health care.
uh free health care
>> Health care for illegals, transgender
>> Health care for illegals transgender
surgery.
surgery
>> What? What? Did you Wait,
>> What What Did you Wait
did you just transgender surgery
did you just transgender surgery
illegal immigrant healthcare
illegal immigrant healthcare
just through transgender? You know,
just through transgender You know
trans. It's not just a garnish you add
trans It's not just a garnish you add
to every talking point like you're some
to every talking point like you're some
transgender salt bay. Oh, are you
transgender salt bay Oh are you
talking about healthcare for illegals?
talking about healthcare for illegals
That needs a little
That needs a little
trans surgery.
trans surgery
And while people in the country
And while people in the country
illegally are not eligible for Medicaid
illegally are not eligible for Medicaid
or for Obamacare subsidies,
or for Obamacare subsidies
point taken. But the Democrats aren't
point taken But the Democrats aren't
liy livered about this one. They've got
liy livered about this one They've got
their own rhetorical arguments about the
their own rhetorical arguments about the
popularity of extending these subsidies
popularity of extending these subsidies
that I think you'll find compelling.
that I think you'll find compelling
>> Democrats are adamant that we must
>> Democrats are adamant that we must
protect the health care of the American
protect the health care of the American
people.
people
[Applause]
Applause
[Music]
Music
Uh
Uh
good points.
good points
Um,
Um
not crazy about this.
not crazy about this
[Applause]
Applause
Solid framing
Solid framing
delivered with clarity.
delivered with clarity
Really could have done without
Really could have done without
the whole
the whole
Americans demand.
Americans demand
It's just not
It's just not
But if you would stop there, that would
But if you would stop there that would
be great. But you're going to keep
be great But you're going to keep
talking, aren't you? Aren't you?
talking aren't you Aren't you
>> New data came out today from KFF. And
>> New data came out today from KFF And
that is not Kentucky fried French fries.
that is not Kentucky fried French fries
KFF could be Kentucky French fries. H
KFF could be Kentucky French fries H
>> family.
>> family
>> I know.
>> I know
[Applause]
Applause
[Applause]
Applause
Who is that joke even for?
Who is that joke even for
Six-year-olds that watch C-SPAN.
Six-year-olds that watch C-SPAN
What the are you doing? Chuck Schumer is
What the are you doing Chuck Schumer is
a human flat tire.
a human flat tire
[Applause]
Applause
Kentucky fried French fry.
Kentucky fried French fry
I mean, look at look at Clolobish. Poor
I mean look at look at Clolobish Poor
Clolobashar.
Clolobashar
That is the face of someone who talked
That is the face of someone who talked
to their dad who said just please don't
to their dad who said just please don't
do your Indian accent in the restaurant.
do your Indian accent in the restaurant
That's all I'm asking.
That's all I'm asking
But then dad was like a chicken dick
But then dad was like a chicken dick
masala.
masala
and he looks at her and he's like, I'm
and he looks at her and he's like I'm
killing.
killing
But miracle of miracles, despite talking
But miracle of miracles despite talking
points being delivered by Hackey Mason
points being delivered by Hackey Mason
here,
here
Republicans are feeling pressured to
Republicans are feeling pressured to
defend their healthc care intentions.
defend their healthc care intentions
And House Speaker Mike Johnson is more
And House Speaker Mike Johnson is more
than up to the task of reassuring
than up to the task of reassuring
America that to serve man is not a
America that to serve man is not a
cookbook, but in fact a totally innocent
cookbook but in fact a totally innocent
double meaning. Let me look right into
double meaning Let me look right into
the camera and tell you very clearly,
the camera and tell you very clearly
Republicans are the ones concerned about
Republicans are the ones concerned about
healthcare. Republicans are the party
healthcare Republicans are the party
working around the clock every day to
working around the clock every day to
fix healthcare.
fix healthcare
[Applause]
Applause
>> Oh, no. It's okay. Um,
>> Oh no It's okay Um
that's not technically looking right
that's not technically looking right
into the camera.
into the camera
[Applause]
Applause
Technically, I'm doing that right now.
Technically I'm doing that right now
I'm looking right into the camera right
I'm looking right into the camera right
now. You saying, "I'm going to look
now You saying I'm going to look
right at you and then never looking at
right at you and then never looking at
us
us
suggests a little struggling with the
suggests a little struggling with the
conscience and the truth." Your honor,
conscience and the truth Your honor
let me be clear. It was a consensual use
let me be clear It was a consensual use
of baby oil. Um
of baby oil Um
was uh
was uh
no, I had to buy cases of it because it
no I had to buy cases of it because it
spoils. Um,
spoils Um
but you know, Republicans have always
but you know Republicans have always
been very sincere about being the party
been very sincere about being the party
of great healthcare.
of great healthcare
>> We are going to be submitting in a
>> We are going to be submitting in a
couple of weeks a healthc care plan
couple of weeks a healthc care plan
that's going to take the place of the
that's going to take the place of the
disaster known as Obamacare.
disaster known as Obamacare
Boom. And while that was only
Boom And while that was only
nine years ago,
nine years ago
to be fair, when they promised to
to be fair when they promised to
release their healthcare plan, they
release their healthcare plan they
didn't realize how controversial it
didn't realize how controversial it
would be.
would be
[Applause]
Applause
All right. Back then, he drew kitties on
All right Back then he drew kitties on
everything.
everything
It seems like after eight long months,
It seems like after eight long months
the Democrats finally have themselves a
the Democrats finally have themselves a
specific ask. Finally have themselves a
specific ask Finally have themselves a
small amount of leverage to accomplish
small amount of leverage to accomplish
this specific ask and an ask that is
this specific ask and an ask that is
somewhat popular with the American
somewhat popular with the American
people, which means clearly this is a
people which means clearly this is a
mistake. I call upon my colleagues in
mistake I call upon my colleagues in
the Republican party to explain why.
the Republican party to explain why
>> I think Mr. Schumer uh made a mistake. I
>> I think Mr Schumer uh made a mistake I
think he marched his troops up into a
think he marched his troops up into a
box canyon.
box canyon
I don't know what that means.
I don't know what that means
Yes. Is Charles Schumer shrewdly
Yes Is Charles Schumer shrewdly
protecting healthcare premiums or is he
protecting healthcare premiums or is he
Kuster at his last stand?
Kuster at his last stand
Any whimsical folksy but not massacre
Any whimsical folksy but not massacre
folksy?
folksy
>> Once you shut down government, you've
>> Once you shut down government you've
got to figure out how to get it back
got to figure out how to get it back
open. A wise person once said, "If you
open A wise person once said If you
pray for rain, you got to be prepared to
pray for rain you got to be prepared to
deal with the mud.
deal with the mud
Touchy.
Touchy
[Applause]
Applause
Who was that wise sage who said that?
Who was that wise sage who said that
Confucious.
Confucious
A bard of the south perhaps? Lear.
A bard of the south perhaps Lear
When you pray for rain, you got to deal
When you pray for rain you got to deal
with the mud, too.
with the mud too
[Applause]
Applause
Throughout all these obscure
Throughout all these obscure
colloquialisms, can the news media cut
colloquialisms can the news media cut
through? What is exactly the concern if
through What is exactly the concern if
Democrats stand on principle?
Democrats stand on principle
>> Do you worry your fellow Democrats are
>> Do you worry your fellow Democrats are
walking into a trap?
walking into a trap
>> Democrats just marched into a shutdown
>> Democrats just marched into a shutdown
trap. I think they walked into a trap.
trap I think they walked into a trap
>> Stepping into a trap.
>> Stepping into a trap
>> Straight into a trap. It's a trap.
>> Straight into a trap It's a trap
[Applause]
Applause
I have to come clean about something.
I have to come clean about something
I added that last clip in there.
I added that last clip in there
Let me say this and I and I mean this
Let me say this and I and I mean this
sincerely.
sincerely
Adding it's a trap is probably not fair
Adding it's a trap is probably not fair
to the media or to the larger discussion
to the media or to the larger discussion
of our troubled health care system. But
of our troubled health care system But
mostly I believe adding that clip isn't
mostly I believe adding that clip isn't
fair to Admiral Akbar.
fair to Admiral Akbar
Admiral Akbar served this galaxy with
Admiral Akbar served this galaxy with
distinction.
distinction
He does not deserve to have such a
He does not deserve to have such a
distinguished career reduced to one
distinguished career reduced to one
catchphrase or a flippant punchline.
catchphrase or a flippant punchline
Gal Akbar rose from the hard scrabble
Gal Akbar rose from the hard scrabble
backwaters of Coral depth city to lead
backwaters of Coral depth city to lead
the man Calamarians in rebellion
the man Calamarians in rebellion
against the empire. A perilous and
against the empire A perilous and
fraught journey where Akbar once had to
fraught journey where Akbar once had to
escape capture during the Quar
escape capture during the Quar
insurgency
insurgency
to lead his forces to the decisive
to lead his forces to the decisive
victory at the storied battle of Jaku.
victory at the storied battle of Jaku
A hero like that deserves to be
A hero like that deserves to be
remembered for his accomplishments,
remembered for his accomplishments
for his bravery, for his service, and
for his bravery for his service and
for his sacrifice. And by the way, all
for his sacrifice And by the way all
of that information was brought to you
of that information was brought to you
by
by
You're Never Getting Laid.
You're Never Getting Laid
Yes, you're never getting laid.
Yes you're never getting laid
If you recognize any of that that I
If you recognize any of that that I
just talked about, you're never getting
just talked about you're never getting
laid.
laid
And
And
if you think learning any of that
if you think learning any of that
information about Admiral Abbar will get
information about Admiral Abbar will get
you laid, it's a trap. Exactly.
you laid it's a trap Exactly
[Applause]
Applause
Today's episode is like four oneman
Today's episode is like four oneman
shows.
shows
By the way, we we didn't even def what
By the way we we didn't even def what
is the trap the Democrats have walked
is the trap the Democrats have walked
themselves into.
themselves into
>> President Trump warning mass layoffs of
>> President Trump warning mass layoffs of
federal workers are coming.
federal workers are coming
>> We'd be laying off a lot of people that
>> We'd be laying off a lot of people that
are going to be very affected. And the
are going to be very affected And the
Democrats, they're going to be
Democrats they're going to be
Democrats. A lot of good can come down
Democrats A lot of good can come down
from shutdowns. We can get rid of a lot
from shutdowns We can get rid of a lot
of things that we didn't want and they'd
of things that we didn't want and they'd
be Democrat things.
be Democrat things
>> Trump writing, "I can't believe the
>> Trump writing I can't believe the
radical left Democrats gave me this
radical left Democrats gave me this
unprecedented opportunity." Oh. Oh. Oh.
unprecedented opportunity Oh Oh Oh
Oh. Oh. So the trap is if the Democrats
Oh Oh So the trap is if the Democrats
shut down the government, Donald Trump
shut down the government Donald Trump
takes advantage of the situation and
takes advantage of the situation and
begins to, I don't know, trim programs
begins to I don't know trim programs
Democrats care about. Or maybe Donald
Democrats care about Or maybe Donald
Trump might let go of some federal
Trump might let go of some federal
workers. Or Donald Trump might eliminate
workers Or Donald Trump might eliminate
funding but only for blue states. Or
funding but only for blue states Or
Donald Trump mighting send in the
Donald Trump mighting send in the
National Guard but only into blue areas.
National Guard but only into blue areas
In other words, to continue doing all
In other words to continue doing all
the Trump has not needed any
the Trump has not needed any
provocation or pretense or reason to
provocation or pretense or reason to
already have been doing. Lo these past
already have been doing Lo these past
God, it feels like 80 years.
God it feels like 80 years
And yet somehow the Republicans have the
And yet somehow the Republicans have the
balls to continue to insist that the
balls to continue to insist that the
secondhand urine on our legs is rain.
secondhand urine on our legs is rain
>> It is a regrettable situation that the
>> It is a regrettable situation that the
president does not want. Democrats are
president does not want Democrats are
the ones who have decided to inflict the
the ones who have decided to inflict the
pain. Not the president. The president
pain Not the president The president
The president takes no no pleasure in
The president takes no no pleasure in
this
this
The president takes no pleasure in this.
The president takes no pleasure in this
The president takes only pleasure in
The president takes only pleasure in
given the president's vascular
given the president's vascular
condition. This might be the only thing
condition This might be the only thing
keeping him hard. I swear to you, his
keeping him hard I swear to you his
catchphrase was literally, "You're
catchphrase was literally You're
fired." His only reason for getting up
fired His only reason for getting up
in the morning is vengeance. Trump has
in the morning is vengeance Trump has
been steamrolling over the Democrats and
been steamrolling over the Democrats and
the law so consistently since day one of
the law so consistently since day one of
the presidency, the nation's pundits and
the presidency the nation's pundits and
legal experts are running out of ways to
legal experts are running out of ways to
describe it. The legality of this is
describe it The legality of this is
very much unclear.
very much unclear
>> Some sort of legal gray area.
>> Some sort of legal gray area
>> Extraordinarily shaky legal ground.
>> Extraordinarily shaky legal ground
>> Not technically currently illegal.
>> Not technically currently illegal
>> There's a lot of uh questionable
>> There's a lot of uh questionable
legality
legality
>> considered by legal experts to be
>> considered by legal experts to be
legally dubious.
legally dubious
>> While Trump is not technically violating
>> While Trump is not technically violating
the law, he is violating the spirits of
the law he is violating the spirits of
our laws.
our laws
Word to the wise,
Word to the wise
>> especially those programming sometimes
>> especially those programming sometimes
rather technical intense discussions of
rather technical intense discussions of
legal issues. Uh, you're going to want
legal issues Uh you're going to want
to leave the donut B-roll on the floor.
to leave the donut B-roll on the floor
[Applause]
Applause
We're trying to listen to a lawyer and
We're trying to listen to a lawyer and
the whole time like, is he going to hit
the whole time like is he going to hit
that mother?
that mother
[Applause]
Applause
Look, man.
Look man
75 million Americans voted for a
75 million Americans voted for a
Democrat in this last round of
Democrat in this last round of
presidential elections. And at this
presidential elections And at this
moment, they have zero power at the
moment they have zero power at the
federal level. Not in the House, not in
federal level Not in the House not in
the Senate, not in the executive, and
the Senate not in the executive and
not in the courts. There has not been a
not in the courts There has not been a
moment of consiliation or concern about
moment of consiliation or concern about
the issues and policies that drove those
the issues and policies that drove those
75 million votes. Not a moment. At
75 million votes Not a moment At
present, the Democrat's largest victory
present the Democrat's largest victory
over these past 8 months is getting a
over these past 8 months is getting a
guy who may or may not be a criminal
guy who may or may not be a criminal
back from El Salvador so Trump could
back from El Salvador so Trump could
send him to Uganda. That was the big
send him to Uganda That was the big
win. And then suddenly a small ask for
win And then suddenly a small ask for
people's preservation of healthcare is a
people's preservation of healthcare is a
Molotov cocktail because apparently
Molotov cocktail because apparently
Republicans won't be satisfied with
Republicans won't be satisfied with
99.8% domination. They must have it all.
998 domination They must have it all
ICE went from deporting the worst of the
ICE went from deporting the worst of the
worst to throwing grandmothers onto
worst to throwing grandmothers onto
lenolium and zip tying American children
lenolium and zip tying American children
and everyone's just supposed to be cool
and everyone's just supposed to be cool
with the new masked incredibly wellunded
with the new masked incredibly wellunded
paramilitary group and Democrats are
paramilitary group and Democrats are
just reduced to petty gestures of
just reduced to petty gestures of
restroom resistance.
restroom resistance
>> Department of Homeland Security
>> Department of Homeland Security
Secretary Christy Gnome posted that she
Secretary Christy Gnome posted that she
was blocked from entering a city
was blocked from entering a city
building in Illinois.
building in Illinois
>> No, you cannot.
>> No you cannot
>> We can
>> We can
open.
open
>> Okay. All right. Thank you. Interesting.
>> Okay All right Thank you Interesting
>> Now, that's what Governor Pritsker says
>> Now that's what Governor Pritsker says
is cooperation and keeping people safe.
is cooperation and keeping people safe
>> Victory is ours.
>> Victory is ours
>> Look, I've given Democrats an enormous
>> Look I've given Democrats an enormous
amount of for their poor
amount of for their poor
leadership, lack of specific and
leadership lack of specific and
actionable plans, terrible messaging,
actionable plans terrible messaging
abysmal word play. Did I mention poor
abysmal word play Did I mention poor
leadership?
leadership
But standing up for 75 million Americans
But standing up for 75 million Americans
in this moment to defend the rights of
in this moment to defend the rights of
people to go into a little less medical
people to go into a little less medical
debt seems like the least they caning
debt seems like the least they caning
do. And perhaps
do And perhaps
and perhaps
and perhaps
maybe that will remind the Republicans
maybe that will remind the Republicans
that their mandate wasn't 100%. They've
that their mandate wasn't 100 They've
just caught a constitutional,
just caught a constitutional
administrative, and logistics break.
administrative and logistics break
Because if this continues, as a wise man
Because if this continues as a wise man
once said,
once said
>> all that and now we can't, then uh it's
>> all that and now we can't then uh it's
not good. Feeling not good.
not good Feeling not good
>> It's a feeling and not a good.
>> It's a feeling and not a good
>> Yesterday, Trump was in the Oval Office
>> Yesterday Trump was in the Oval Office
to announce the construction of a big
to announce the construction of a big
road in Alaska. Congrats, Alaska.
road in Alaska Congrats Alaska
You finally got a road.
You finally got a road
>> And if we know one thing about Trump,
>> And if we know one thing about Trump
it's that he likes to keep his press
it's that he likes to keep his press
conferences focused and on topic. So,
conferences focused and on topic So
let's hear what he has to say about this
let's hear what he has to say about this
cool road.
cool road
>> I want to be good cuz you want to prove
>> I want to be good cuz you want to prove
to God that you're good. So, you go to
to God that you're good So you go to
that next step, right? Uh so, that's
that next step right Uh so that's
very important to me.
very important to me
[Applause]
Applause
>> Trump, are you sick?
>> Trump are you sick
I mean, aside from all the visible signs
I mean aside from all the visible signs
that your body is falling apart, are you
that your body is falling apart are you
sick or something? Like, we should take
sick or something Like we should take
a second here, cuz this is the first
a second here cuz this is the first
time I've seen Trump be humble about
time I've seen Trump be humble about
anything. Like, normally he'd be like,
anything Like normally he'd be like
"Heaven's begging me to come.
Heaven's begging me to come
I'm only staying alive to play hard to
I'm only staying alive to play hard to
get." Jesus came up to me with tears in
get Jesus came up to me with tears in
his eyes and he said, "Please, sir, come
his eyes and he said Please sir come
fix heaven. It's a total dump."
fix heaven It's a total dump
It's like he just realized he only has
It's like he just realized he only has
immunity here on earth.
immunity here on earth
>> And this isn't a one-off. Trump's been
>> And this isn't a one-off Trump's been
talking about this heaven thing a lot
talking about this heaven thing a lot
lately.
lately
>> If you're not a believer and you believe
>> If you're not a believer and you believe
you go nowhere, what's the reason to be
you go nowhere what's the reason to be
good? Really, there has to be some kind
good Really there has to be some kind
of a a report card up there someplace,
of a a report card up there someplace
you know, like let's go to heaven. Let's
you know like let's go to heaven Let's
get into heaven. I want to try and get
get into heaven I want to try and get
to heaven if possible. I I'm hearing I'm
to heaven if possible I I'm hearing I'm
not doing well. I really hit the bottom
not doing well I really hit the bottom
of the totem, bro.
of the totem bro
[Applause]
Applause
Oh. Oh, man. This is this is such a
Oh Oh man This is this is such a
bleak and completely accurate view of
bleak and completely accurate view of
his chances in heaven.
his chances in heaven
[Applause]
Applause
I will say though, you never want to see
I will say though you never want to see
the guy who's supposed to keep you
the guy who's supposed to keep you
healthy and safe talk about dying. Like,
healthy and safe talk about dying Like
he's supposed to be leading you. You
he's supposed to be leading you You
never want to hear a pilot over the
never want to hear a pilot over the
system be like, "Oh, I just can't wait
system be like Oh I just can't wait
to get into heaven."
to get into heaven
Like, uh, can we get to Pittsburgh
Like uh can we get to Pittsburgh
first?
first
[Applause]
Applause
And look, I I don't know, man. Heaven is
And look I I don't know man Heaven is
tough to get into. Like, I I don't want
tough to get into Like I I don't want
to throw cold water on your hopes and
to throw cold water on your hopes and
dreams, but you might want to think
dreams but you might want to think
about trying to get into like a safety
about trying to get into like a safety
heaven, like whatever Sunni Albany of
heaven like whatever Sunni Albany of
heaven is up there. You know what I
heaven is up there You know what I
mean? Like, apply there, you know? Cuz
mean Like apply there you know Cuz
the truth is there's probably a good
the truth is there's probably a good
reason for Trump to worry about getting
reason for Trump to worry about getting
into heaven, you know? Is it? Yep. Yep.
into heaven you know Is it Yep Yep
Yep.
Yep
[Applause]
Applause
That too. I mean, that that wasn't even
That too I mean that that wasn't even
the first thing I thought of. Uh
the first thing I thought of Uh
crazy how many things there are. So, it
crazy how many things there are So it
makes sense that Trump is worried,
makes sense that Trump is worried
especially since he's not going to have
especially since he's not going to have
people like Attorney General Pam Bondi
people like Attorney General Pam Bondi
at the pearly gates
at the pearly gates
because she's been devoting every second
because she's been devoting every second
getting him out of trouble here on
getting him out of trouble here on
Earth. They spent all summer trying to
Earth They spent all summer trying to
hide any mention of Trump in the Epstein
hide any mention of Trump in the Epstein
files. And when Bondie was asked about
files And when Bondie was asked about
that today, she basically told senators,
that today she basically told senators
"You can go to hell."
You can go to hell
>> So, who gave the order to flag records
>> So who gave the order to flag records
related to President Trump?
related to President Trump
>> To flag records for President Trump.
>> To flag records for President Trump
>> To flag any records which included his
>> To flag any records which included his
name.
name
>> I'm not going to discuss anything about
>> I'm not going to discuss anything about
that with you, Senator.
that with you Senator
What a tone. You know you're caught when
What a tone You know you're caught when
you have to repeat what you were being
you have to repeat what you were being
accused of back to the person like just
accused of back to the person like just
so you have time to think like who's
so you have time to think like who's
been texting me?
been texting me
Who's been texting me all night? You you
Who's been texting me all night You you
want you want to see tech my text
want you want to see tech my text
messages?
messages
You want to you want to see text
You want to you want to see text
messages? Like a man can't even type
messages Like a man can't even type
anymore. This used to be a free country,
anymore This used to be a free country
you know. I was like, "Fine, look. See,
you know I was like Fine look See
you'll you'll see. I've never gotten a
you'll you'll see I've never gotten a
text message in my life."
text message in my life
And while Pam Bonnie is stonewalling the
And while Pam Bonnie is stonewalling the
Senate, Mike Johnson is shutting the
Senate Mike Johnson is shutting the
whole House down. That way, no one can
whole House down That way no one can
vote on releasing the Epstein Files. And
vote on releasing the Epstein Files And
of all people running interference for
of all people running interference for
the Epstein Files, it's Mike Johnson.
the Epstein Files it's Mike Johnson
You think someone who looks like an
You think someone who looks like an
11year-old boy
11year-old boy
would care about pedophilia, all right?
would care about pedophilia all right
You know,
You know
[Applause]
Applause
cuz he might get caught in the
cuz he might get caught in the
crossfire. If you're someone who still
crossfire If you're someone who still
has to say, "Put me down. I'm a grown
has to say Put me down I'm a grown
man." Then you should be fighting to
man Then you should be fighting to
release the Epstein files.
release the Epstein files
With all these guys running defense for
With all these guys running defense for
Trump, all he has to do is act cool. You
Trump all he has to do is act cool You
know, if you get a question, don't freak
know if you get a question don't freak
out and then just act natural.
out and then just act natural
>> The Supreme Court is back in session.
>> The Supreme Court is back in session
They rejected today an appeal by Gain
They rejected today an appeal by Gain
Maxwell to overturn her conviction. That
Maxwell to overturn her conviction That
means her only chance at getting out of
means her only chance at getting out of
prison is a pardon from you. Is that
prison is a pardon from you Is that
something you're open to doing?
something you're open to doing
>> Talking about Gain Maxwell. Uh,
>> Talking about Gain Maxwell Uh
>> you know, I haven't heard the name in so
>> you know I haven't heard the name in so
long.
long
[Applause]
Applause
I said act natural.
I said act natural
>> I haven't heard the name in so long.
>> I haven't heard the name in so long
She's not asking you about the Baja men.
She's not asking you about the Baja men
[Music]
Music
You're over here being like, "Who? Who
You're over here being like Who Who
who who?"
who who
>> And look, look, maybe I'm not being
>> And look look maybe I'm not being
fair. You know how long has it been
fair You know how long has it been
since you last heard her name? Years.
since you last heard her name Years
>> Did you personally approve the prison
>> Did you personally approve the prison
transfer for Galileain Maxwell that your
transfer for Galileain Maxwell that your
Justice Department
Justice Department
>> I didn't know about it at all. No, I
>> I didn't know about it at all No I
read about it just like you did.
read about it just like you did
>> Pardon for who?
>> Pardon for who
>> For Gain Maxwell.
>> For Gain Maxwell
>> Well, I'm allowed to give her a pardon.
>> Well I'm allowed to give her a pardon
>> Would you consider a pardon or a
>> Would you consider a pardon or a
commutation for Gain Maxwell if
commutation for Gain Maxwell if
something I haven't thought about?
something I haven't thought about
>> Do you support the Justice Department
>> Do you support the Justice Department
seeking any interview with Maxwell?
seeking any interview with Maxwell
>> I don't know anything about it. that
>> I don't know anything about it that
they're going to what? Meet her.
they're going to what Meet her
>> That was all summer long. People say
>> That was all summer long People say
2025 didn't have a summer song of the
2025 didn't have a summer song of the
year, but no. The song of the summer was
year but no The song of the summer was
the reporters asking Donald Trump about
the reporters asking Donald Trump about
Gain Maxwell. If it was eligible, it
Gain Maxwell If it was eligible it
would have been number one on Billboard.
would have been number one on Billboard
But okay. Okay, take a breath. First
But okay Okay take a breath First
thing wasn't great. You can fix it. All
thing wasn't great You can fix it All
right. They ask you if you're going to
right They ask you if you're going to
pardon her. You barely remember her,
pardon her You barely remember her
right? You don't know her and you're
right You don't know her and you're
trying to get into heaven, buddy.
trying to get into heaven buddy
Remember, that's that's the plan. That's
Remember that's that's the plan That's
the journey you're on. You're trying to
the journey you're on You're trying to
get into heaven and you don't even
get into heaven and you don't even
really know this lady. So, you're
really know this lady So you're
obviously not even going to consider
obviously not even going to consider
pardoning her.
pardoning her
>> Well, I'll take a look at it. But you're
>> Well I'll take a look at it But you're
considering I will speak to the DJ. I
considering I will speak to the DJ I
wouldn't consider it or not consider. I
wouldn't consider it or not consider I
don't know anything about it. So far she
don't know anything about it So far she
I will speak to the DA. Why would she
I will speak to the DA Why would she
be? But she was convicted of child sex
be But she was convicted of child sex
trafficking.
trafficking
>> Yeah. I mean, I'm going to have to take
>> Yeah I mean I'm going to have to take
a look at it.
a look at it
>> Hey, man. Hey. Hey. Maybe when you hear
>> Hey man Hey Hey Maybe when you hear
the words child sex trafficking, the
the words child sex trafficking the
next thing you say shouldn't be, "I'm
next thing you say shouldn't be I'm
going to look at it." All right.
going to look at it All right
[Applause]
Applause
The only way to phrase that worse is now
The only way to phrase that worse is now
I got to see this.
I got to see this
But okay. All right. None of that went
But okay All right None of that went
well. None of that was ideal. But you
well None of that was ideal But you
can do what you do best and throw a
can do what you do best and throw a
distraction in there. Change the topic
distraction in there Change the topic
away from pardoning sex criminals.
away from pardoning sex criminals
>> I have a lot of people who have asked me
>> I have a lot of people who have asked me
for pardons. Uh uh I call him Puff
for pardons Uh uh I call him Puff
Daddy. has asked me for a pardon.
Daddy has asked me for a pardon
[Applause]
Applause
>> Wait, so you don't remember Galain, but
>> Wait so you don't remember Galain but
you remember that we used to call Diddy
you remember that we used to call Diddy
Puff Daddy.
Puff Daddy
[Applause]
Applause
That
That
That was nine names ago. He put brother
That was nine names ago He put brother
in it at one point.
in it at one point
All you had to do was mention someone
All you had to do was mention someone
else who was not convicted of sex
else who was not convicted of sex
crimes, which is most people
crimes which is most people
and you chose Diddy. And I want to
and you chose Diddy And I want to
remind everyone, we were gathered here
remind everyone we were gathered here
to talk about a road in Alaska.
to talk about a road in Alaska
I know the government is technically
I know the government is technically
shut down, but that doesn't mean
shut down but that doesn't mean
everything is shut down. Rest assured,
everything is shut down Rest assured
friends, our politicians are still
friends our politicians are still
working hard to make sure the important
working hard to make sure the important
stuff is getting done. The Trump
stuff is getting done The Trump
administration has ordered FBI employees
administration has ordered FBI employees
to search for papers or digital records
to search for papers or digital records
related to the disappearance of famed
related to the disappearance of famed
pilot Amelia Heheart.
pilot Amelia Heheart
Hell yeah.
Hell yeah
Trump heard we wanted to see the secret
Trump heard we wanted to see the secret
files about the famous person with a
files about the famous person with a
private plane who suffered a mysterious
private plane who suffered a mysterious
death and he was like Amelia Hehart. Got
death and he was like Amelia Hehart Got
it.
it
Do we really need to see the Amelia
Do we really need to see the Amelia
Heheart files? Like we know what
Heheart files Like we know what
happened to her, you know? Like people
happened to her you know Like people
looked for her. I mean, not hard, but
looked for her I mean not hard but
like it's But that's just because you
like it's But that's just because you
couldn't back then. All you could do is
couldn't back then All you could do is
stand at the shore and scream Amelia.
stand at the shore and scream Amelia
[Applause]
Applause
Nothing. Okay. So, that's exciting news
Nothing Okay So that's exciting news
for someone
for someone
probably. But unfortunately for the rest
probably But unfortunately for the rest
of us, the shutdown is affecting the
of us the shutdown is affecting the
planes that aren't missing.
planes that aren't missing
>> This morning, growing gridlock for
>> This morning growing gridlock for
travelers across the country as the
travelers across the country as the
government shutdown hits air travel
government shutdown hits air travel
hard. The FAA warning of staff shortages
hard The FAA warning of staff shortages
at at least eight major locations,
at at least eight major locations
threatening delays and cancellations in
threatening delays and cancellations in
Las Vegas, Chicago, Dallas, Houston,
Las Vegas Chicago Dallas Houston
Boston, Newark, Atlanta, and Nashville.
Boston Newark Atlanta and Nashville
Oh, damn. So many great American cities
Oh damn So many great American cities
and Vegas.
and Vegas
But yeah, all across the country there's
But yeah all across the country there's
delays, shortages, and cancellations.
delays shortages and cancellations
The only people that could possibly be
The only people that could possibly be
excited about this is Spirit Airlines.
excited about this is Spirit Airlines
They're sitting at the airport like you
They're sitting at the airport like you
were all talking
were all talking
For years, you had jokes. We're all
For years you had jokes We're all
Spirit now.
Spirit now
I bet they're all at the airport doing
I bet they're all at the airport doing
their best Bane impressions. Like, I was
their best Bane impressions Like I was
born in the cancellations,
born in the cancellations
molded by them.
molded by them
I didn't see a flight until I was
I didn't see a flight until I was
already a man.
already a man
But basically, what's happening is the
But basically what's happening is the
TSA agents and air traffic controllers
TSA agents and air traffic controllers
still have to show up to work during a
still have to show up to work during a
shutdown even though they're not getting
shutdown even though they're not getting
paid. So, a lot of them are saying, "If
paid So a lot of them are saying If
I'm not getting paid, I'm going to call
I'm not getting paid I'm going to call
out sick." Which is understandable. TSA
out sick Which is understandable TSA
have a hard job. You're going to run
have a hard job You're going to run
your hands up some guy's butt crack and
your hands up some guy's butt crack and
not get paid.
not get paid
So things are getting a little hairy in
So things are getting a little hairy in
the skies, but don't worry
the skies but don't worry
because we've got Transportation
because we've got Transportation
Secretary Shawn Duffy, former real world
Secretary Shawn Duffy former real world
cast member and somehow most qualified
cast member and somehow most qualified
cabinet member
cabinet member
and he is on the case.
and he is on the case
>> I'm here at Newark airport about to go
>> I'm here at Newark airport about to go
up into the tower and talk to some of
up into the tower and talk to some of
our air traffic controllers.
our air traffic controllers
>> Okay, cool video. I like that you use
>> Okay cool video I like that you use
the music from a barbecue sauce ad. All
the music from a barbecue sauce ad All
right,
right
but surely you aren't going to go up
but surely you aren't going to go up
there into the tower and bother the air
there into the tower and bother the air
traffic controllers while they're
traffic controllers while they're
working.
working
>> How does the shutdown impact controllers
>> How does the shutdown impact controllers
and towers like this, not just in New
and towers like this not just in New
York, but around the country?
York but around the country
>> I think the biggest thing is, you know,
>> I think the biggest thing is you know
it's just a distraction that we don't
it's just a distraction that we don't
need.
need
[Applause]
Applause
Yeah. Yeah. If there's one thing I don't
Yeah Yeah If there's one thing I don't
need in a job like this, it's a
need in a job like this it's a
distraction. The only thing more
distraction The only thing more
distracting than a shutdown would be if
distracting than a shutdown would be if
my boss showed up with a camera crew and
my boss showed up with a camera crew and
made me do an interview facing away from
made me do an interview facing away from
the windows
the windows
while I'm trying to land planes.
while I'm trying to land planes
But anyway, I interrupted you, Sean
But anyway I interrupted you Sean
Duffy. You were trying to give these air
Duffy You were trying to give these air
traffic controllers a morale boost.
traffic controllers a morale boost
>> I have a wife that uh doesn't work, two
>> I have a wife that uh doesn't work two
kids at home. Um if I don't get a
kids at home Um if I don't get a
paycheck here in a couple of weeks, you
paycheck here in a couple of weeks you
know, I've still have to provide for
know I've still have to provide for
them. So, it's it's not something that I
them So it's it's not something that I
want to have to be thinking about.
want to have to be thinking about
>> Mortgage, car payments, utility bills,
>> Mortgage car payments utility bills
food, all issues. I'm a working guy just
food all issues I'm a working guy just
like you are
like you are
[Applause]
Applause
>> not helping. All right. Damn Duffy. He
>> not helping All right Damn Duffy He
knows what bills he has to pay. You
knows what bills he has to pay You
don't need to make a whole Destiny's
don't need to make a whole Destiny's
Child song about it.
Child song about it
He's up there like, "You got your
He's up there like You got your
mortgage, your car payment, your roof
mortgage your car payment your roof
needs to be replaced. Man, I'd be
needs to be replaced Man I'd be
stressed if I was you.
stressed if I was you
Plus, your wife is home alone all day.
Plus your wife is home alone all day
You don't know who she's banging."
You don't know who she's banging
But you know what? Whether it's a
But you know what Whether it's a
distraction or not, I'm glad Shawn Duffy
distraction or not I'm glad Shawn Duffy
is talking to them about their problems.
is talking to them about their problems
It's a quick and direct response that
It's a quick and direct response that
shows no matter what happens, President
shows no matter what happens President
Trump is not going to let this shutdown
Trump is not going to let this shutdown
stop him from showing how much he cares
stop him from showing how much he cares
about the health and well-being of the
about the health and well-being of the
federal workers. President Trump has
federal workers President Trump has
already threatened to fire federal
already threatened to fire federal
workers. And now the White House is
workers And now the White House is
floating a new threat, suggesting that
floating a new threat suggesting that
some of the 750,000 federal workers
some of the 750000 federal workers
might not get back pay.
might not get back pay
>> Damn, Donald.
>> Damn Donald
[Applause]
Applause
You're going to furlow these workers and
You're going to furlow these workers and
then take away their backpay. If I were
then take away their backpay If I were
them, I'm stealing way more than normal.
them I'm stealing way more than normal
You know what I mean? When I get back,
You know what I mean When I get back
I'm coming to work with a screwdriver.
I'm coming to work with a screwdriver
Forget the toilet paper. I'm taking the
Forget the toilet paper I'm taking the
whole toilet.
whole toilet
What else can you even do to these
What else can you even do to these
people?
people
>> For the most part, we're going to take
>> For the most part we're going to take
care of our people. There are some
care of our people There are some
people that really don't deserve to be
people that really don't deserve to be
taken care of, and we'll take care of
taken care of and we'll take care of
them in a different way.
them in a different way
I guess kill them.
I guess kill them
>> He's not very good at delivering
>> He's not very good at delivering
threats. Like, I'll take care of them in
threats Like I'll take care of them in
a different way could mean anything from
a different way could mean anything from
murder to giving them a happy ending.
murder to giving them a happy ending
But here's the thing, Donald. Are you
But here's the thing Donald Are you
sure you want to be piling more stress
sure you want to be piling more stress
on air traffic controllers because they
on air traffic controllers because they
were already air traffic controllers?
were already air traffic controllers
That job is like juggling and playing
That job is like juggling and playing
Russian roulette at the same time. I
Russian roulette at the same time I
don't think they can handle not getting
don't think they can handle not getting
back pay. And if the air traffic control
back pay And if the air traffic control
system falls apart, this is bad for you
system falls apart this is bad for you
because if you can't fly anymore, that
because if you can't fly anymore that
Qatari jet you got is just going to be
Qatari jet you got is just going to be
sitting on the White House lawn like a
sitting on the White House lawn like a
white trash Winnebago.
white trash Winnebago
Let's get right into the biggest story
Let's get right into the biggest story
in the world. This is one of those
in the world This is one of those
sentences that you almost never hear,
sentences that you almost never hear
but there's good news coming out of the
but there's good news coming out of the
Middle East.
Middle East
>> Major breakthrough in the Middle East.
>> Major breakthrough in the Middle East
President Trump was the first to
President Trump was the first to
announce that Israel and Hamas have
announce that Israel and Hamas have
agreed to the first phase of a deal that
agreed to the first phase of a deal that
could lead to the end of the war in
could lead to the end of the war in
Gaza.
Gaza
>> This is more than Gaza. This is peace in
>> This is more than Gaza This is peace in
the Middle East. And it's an incredible
the Middle East And it's an incredible
thing.
thing
>> Over in Gaza, Palestinian men and boys
>> Over in Gaza Palestinian men and boys
ran into the streets clapping and
ran into the streets clapping and
cheering. In Israel, a similar scene of
cheering In Israel a similar scene of
joy.
joy
>> That's right. A peace deal has been
>> That's right A peace deal has been
reached between Israel and Hamas. And
reached between Israel and Hamas And
it's based on the framework Donald Trump
it's based on the framework Donald Trump
proposed. Which means another thing you
proposed Which means another thing you
almost never hear, and I can't believe
almost never hear and I can't believe
I'm saying this. I got to give Donald
I'm saying this I got to give Donald
Trump some props here. You know, it
Trump some props here You know it
doesn't happen a lot.
doesn't happen a lot
In fact, I can only think of this, the
In fact I can only think of this the
COVID vaccine, and Home Alone, too.
COVID vaccine and Home Alone too
No.
No
Don't get me wrong, this is astonishing
Don't get me wrong this is astonishing
because if this piece holds, it means
because if this piece holds it means
the guy who couldn't stop a fight
the guy who couldn't stop a fight
between Gary Buucy and Meatloaf brokered
between Gary Buucy and Meatloaf brokered
peace in the Middle East.
peace in the Middle East
So Trump, when it comes to peace, you
So Trump when it comes to peace you
did it. You know, I I mean, you also did
did it You know I I mean you also did
a big portion of the war, but you did
a big portion of the war but you did
the peace, too. It's It's like how white
the peace too It's It's like how white
people did slavery in America, but but
people did slavery in America but but
they also ended slavery in America.
they also ended slavery in America
And I just want to say thank you. Thank
And I just want to say thank you Thank
you.
you
Either way, this is a reason to
Either way this is a reason to
celebrate. And look, if this deal holds,
celebrate And look if this deal holds
maybe we should give Trump the Nobel
maybe we should give Trump the Nobel
Peace Prize.
Peace Prize
or or or you won't like this either. We
or or or you won't like this either We
let him burn the Epstein files.
let him burn the Epstein files
He only gets one, but he gets to pick.
He only gets one but he gets to pick
All right.
All right
Now, maybe you're wondering how the
Now maybe you're wondering how the
world found out about this peace deal.
world found out about this peace deal
Was it a grand announcement like the
Was it a grand announcement like the
Tree of Versailles or like the end of
Tree of Versailles or like the end of
World War II where nurses and soldiers
World War II where nurses and soldiers
met up in Time Square just to make out?
met up in Time Square just to make out
No. No. This is Trump's America, so it
No No This is Trump's America so it
was much stupider. At the White House
was much stupider At the White House
yesterday, the president interrupted by
yesterday the president interrupted by
Secretary of State Marco Rubio, seen
Secretary of State Marco Rubio seen
handing him a note and then whispering
handing him a note and then whispering
in Trump's ear. Photographers catching
in Trump's ear Photographers catching
the handwritten message. We need you to
the handwritten message We need you to
approve a truth social post soon so you
approve a truth social post soon so you
can announce deal first.
can announce deal first
Wait, they plan his truth social post?
Wait they plan his truth social post
So when I see one all misspelled and
So when I see one all misspelled and
half in caps at 3 in the morning, that
half in caps at 3 in the morning that
was the plan.
was the plan
It's like scheduling that you're going
It's like scheduling that you're going
to your pants.
to your pants
But you know what? If he can resolve the
But you know what If he can resolve the
conflict in the Middle East, maybe he
conflict in the Middle East maybe he
truly is the president of peace. Maybe
truly is the president of peace Maybe
some of that peace and tranquility is
some of that peace and tranquility is
going to come back to us.
going to come back to us
>> President Trump sending National Guard
>> President Trump sending National Guard
troops into American cities. Trump is
troops into American cities Trump is
insisting that troops are needed in
insisting that troops are needed in
cities like Chicago, Memphis, and
cities like Chicago Memphis and
Portland.
Portland
>> We have an insurrection act for a
>> We have an insurrection act for a
reason.
reason
>> Damn. Th
>> Damn Th
this feels like he made peace abroad
this feels like he made peace abroad
just so he could bring everybody back to
just so he could bring everybody back to
whoop ass here. I mean, a president
whoop ass here I mean a president
hasn't invoked the Insurrection Act
hasn't invoked the Insurrection Act
since the LA riots, which for Trump is
since the LA riots which for Trump is
actually a surprisingly recent
actually a surprisingly recent
president. Usually, he's invoking
president Usually he's invoking
something that hasn't been used in 300
something that hasn't been used in 300
years, like the anti-witch you can toss
years like the anti-witch you can toss
a off a cliff at of 1692.
a off a cliff at of 1692
[Applause]
Applause
But what's happening in Portland that
But what's happening in Portland that
requires Trump to send troops in? Well,
requires Trump to send troops in Well
Trump held a big meeting yesterday to
Trump held a big meeting yesterday to
explain why.
explain why
>> It should be clear to all Americans that
>> It should be clear to all Americans that
we have a very serious left-wing terror
we have a very serious left-wing terror
threat in our country. radicals
threat in our country radicals
associated with the domestic terror
associated with the domestic terror
group. Antifa.
group Antifa
>> Antifa. That's who you're declaring a
>> Antifa That's who you're declaring a
domestic terrorist organization. That's
domestic terrorist organization That's
tricky because while there are people
tricky because while there are people
who identify as Antifa, it isn't really
who identify as Antifa it isn't really
an official group. They don't even have
an official group They don't even have
a website. Like my cousin's baby has its
a website Like my cousin's baby has its
own website
own website
and that's an ugly baby.
and that's an ugly baby
Its voice changed in the womb. You put
Its voice changed in the womb You put
your ear to his mom's stomach and you
your ear to his mom's stomach and you
just heard, "I'm coming."
just heard I'm coming
So, no website, no brickandmortar store.
So no website no brickandmortar store
So, if you're sending troops to
So if you're sending troops to
Portland, how sophisticated could Antifa
Portland how sophisticated could Antifa
be?
be
>> This network of Antifa is just as
>> This network of Antifa is just as
sophisticated as MS-13, as TDA, as ISIS,
sophisticated as MS-13 as TDA as ISIS
as Hezbollah, as Hamas, as all of them.
as Hezbollah as Hamas as all of them
>> Wait, what?
>> Wait what
And they're here.
And they're here
She made Antifa feel like the Power
She made Antifa feel like the Power
Rangers of terrorism. Like they got some
Rangers of terrorism Like they got some
of everybody. They got MS-13, ISIS. They
of everybody They got MS-13 ISIS They
got letters, numbers, Hezbollah, Hamas.
got letters numbers Hezbollah Hamas
I don't know what TDA is, but they got
I don't know what TDA is but they got
some of that, too.
some of that too
Okay, Christine Gnome, your homeland
Okay Christine Gnome your homeland
security. You got to get out there to
security You got to get out there to
Portland and take care of business.
Portland and take care of business
Christine M went on the roof of the ICE
Christine M went on the roof of the ICE
building to survey the scene.
building to survey the scene
[Applause]
Applause
Okay. Okay. That doesn't look that
Okay Okay That doesn't look that
scary, but you have to remember how
scary but you have to remember how
scary it is for her to encounter a farm
scary it is for her to encounter a farm
animal when she's unarmed.
animal when she's unarmed
But you know, you know these cities,
But you know you know these cities
they look innocent during the day. I bet
they look innocent during the day I bet
you that was just the Antifa that
you that was just the Antifa that
doesn't have jobs. All right. At night,
doesn't have jobs All right At night
at night, that must be when Antifa comes
at night that must be when Antifa comes
out to do all the nasty terrorism. Let's
out to do all the nasty terrorism Let's
look at Portland at night this week.
look at Portland at night this week
All right. All right. Fear is a powerful
All right All right Fear is a powerful
drug, but so is MDMA.
drug but so is MDMA
Listen, Trump, I'm trying to be an ally,
Listen Trump I'm trying to be an ally
but right now I don't really see
but right now I don't really see
dangerous criminals. I just see virgins.
dangerous criminals I just see virgins
All right?
All right
And I'm not sure we need the military
And I'm not sure we need the military
for that because everything that they
for that because everything that they
claim is happening in Portland, it's all
claim is happening in Portland it's all
happening on one city block in front of
happening on one city block in front of
one ice building. The rest of the city
one ice building The rest of the city
is completely normal. I mean, it's still
is completely normal I mean it's still
Portland. So, so it's normal, but it's
Portland So so it's normal but it's
like Portland normal. You know what I
like Portland normal You know what I
mean? Like like there will be a naked
mean Like like there will be a naked
guy with a handlebar mustache riding a
guy with a handlebar mustache riding a
unicycle down the street, but that's
unicycle down the street but that's
supposed to be happening. All right.
supposed to be happening All right
So far, all I've seen is a guy in a
So far all I've seen is a guy in a
chicken suit and episode of Barney. All
chicken suit and episode of Barney All
right, but maybe there's something I'm
right but maybe there's something I'm
missing.
missing
>> The amazing thing is you look at
>> The amazing thing is you look at
Portland and you see fires all over the
Portland and you see fires all over the
place. It's like uh the movies where you
place It's like uh the movies where you
have these bombed out cities. I don't
have these bombed out cities I don't
know what could be worse than Portland.
know what could be worse than Portland
You don't even have stores anymore.
You don't even have stores anymore
[Applause]
Applause
>> There are no stores in Portland.
>> There are no stores in Portland
You're telling me if I type stores in
You're telling me if I type stores in
Portland into Google Maps, it'll just be
Portland into Google Maps it'll just be
like, "Nah, no. This is one of those
like Nah no This is one of those
store cities.
store cities
Nah, we not doing that nasty stuff over
Nah we not doing that nasty stuff over
here." Okay. Also, not having stores
here Okay Also not having stores
isn't exactly the worst thing about a
isn't exactly the worst thing about a
war zone. No one was looking at
war zone No one was looking at
Hiroshima like, "The devastation was
Hiroshima like The devastation was
incredible. Not a single Bob's Discount
incredible Not a single Bob's Discount
Furniture left standing.
Furniture left standing
But here's the thing, Trump. I don't
But here's the thing Trump I don't
think the situation in Portland is a
think the situation in Portland is a
five alarm defcon one bust out the
five alarm defcon one bust out the
windows type of emergency. And I don't
windows type of emergency And I don't
think you think that either because this
think you think that either because this
whole meeting where you're talking about
whole meeting where you're talking about
how dangerous Antifa is, you all look
how dangerous Antifa is you all look
bored as hell.
bored as hell
Trump is falling asleep. Pam Bondi got
Trump is falling asleep Pam Bondi got
to tilt her neck up to stay awake. You
to tilt her neck up to stay awake You
know, Steven Miller is is yawning.
know Steven Miller is is yawning
The most radical person in the cabinet
The most radical person in the cabinet
looked like he drank. You know, he looks
looked like he drank You know he looks
like he's sitting at a piano recital
like he's sitting at a piano recital
after his kid finished.
after his kid finished
[Applause]
Applause
>> Also, you would think that if we're all
>> Also you would think that if we're all
about to die, Antif would be the only
about to die Antif would be the only
network on your mind.
network on your mind
>> ABC is terrible. NBC is terrible. MSNBC
>> ABC is terrible NBC is terrible MSNBC
is dying and CNN is dying like a dog.
is dying and CNN is dying like a dog
MSNBC is sick. They're sick. I would say
MSNBC is sick They're sick I would say
CNN is not quite as bad as MS. Poor CNN.
CNN is not quite as bad as MS Poor CNN
That's so pathetic. Beautiful black
That's so pathetic Beautiful black
women are wearing a MAGA hat last night
women are wearing a MAGA hat last night
on television.
on television
>> Come on, guys. All right. The plan is to
>> Come on guys All right The plan is to
scare people about Antifa. You're not
scare people about Antifa You're not
going to do that if you keep trailing
going to do that if you keep trailing
off about hot black women you remember.
off about hot black women you remember
All right.
All right
So, look, I'm not saying that there's no
So look I'm not saying that there's no
such thing as Antifa, but I look at
such thing as Antifa but I look at
Antifa the way I look at Bigfoot. It's
Antifa the way I look at Bigfoot It's
big, scary, and tearing up the Pacific
big scary and tearing up the Pacific
Northwest. But all we ever hear about is
Northwest But all we ever hear about is
what the people who believe in it think
what the people who believe in it think
is happening.
is happening
[Music]
Music
[Music]
Music
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