Watch and Learn - Jon Stewart & The News Team Recap the Endless War in Iran Pt. 2

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[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

And I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't

have a plan for the war.

have a plan for the war

But guess what, Libtards and "military generals?"

But guess what Libtards and military generals

Turns out he did have a plan.

Turns out he did have a plan

It was just very stupid.

It was just very stupid

New reporting reveals an early objective

of the war with Iran involved a regime change strategy that

would reinstate former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

as the country's leader

REPORTER: Yes, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

REPORTER: Yes that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

the president of Iran from 2005 to 2013,

the president of Iran from 2005 to 2013

the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program

and more.

and more

So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons

was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons?

was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons

I love it.

I love it

No notes.

No notes

And if you hate this plan, don't worry.

And if you hate this plan don't worry

That wasn't the part that didn't work.

That wasn't the part that didn't work

REPORTER: Ahmadinejad was injured on the war's first day

by an Israeli strike at his home in Tehran

that had been designed to free him from house arrest.

that had been designed to free him from house arrest

So you're telling me that two entire countries thought

the smartest way to free someone from house arrest

was to blow up his house.

was to blow up his house

Nobody suggested, I don't know, calling a locksmith,

Nobody suggested I don't know calling a locksmith

maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin.

maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin

What was the thinking here?

What was the thinking here

You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a house.

You can't be under house arrest if you don't have a house

So--

So-

[APPLAUSE CHEERING]

APPLAUSE CHEERING

Obviously, that plan didn't work.

Obviously that plan didn't work

In fact, everything in the world of Iran

In fact everything in the world of Iran

has been a lot harder than we thought.

has been a lot harder than we thought

But this is America.

But this is America

And what do we do when things get hard?

And what do we do when things get hard

Say it with me.

Say it with me

We lose interest and move on to other things.

We lose interest and move on to other things

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

Let's move on from the terrifying wars

of the future to the terrifying war of the present, where

of the future to the terrifying war of the present where

the ceasefire in Iran is starting to get a little less

cease and a little more fire.

cease and a little more fire

REPORTER: Tehran and the US trading blows now.

REPORTER: Tehran and the US trading blows now

Iran's downing of an American helicopter

prompting a fiery US response.

prompting a fiery US response

We're trading blows again?

We're trading blows again

This is not good.

This is not good

By the way, fun fact-- trading blows was a setting

By the way fun fact- trading blows was a setting

on Nancy Reagan's [BLEEP]-sucking machine,

on Nancy Reagan's BLEEP-sucking machine

and it was a good one.

and it was a good one

So what happened, exactly?

So what happened exactly

REPORTER 1: Officials say, an Iranian drone

REPORTER 1: Officials say an Iranian drone

brought down a US Apache helicopter

patrolling the street.

patrolling the street

REPORTER 2: The pilots rescued in a first-of-its-kind

operation by an unmanned surface vessel, a drone boat.

operation by an unmanned surface vessel a drone boat

Sorry, wait a minute.

Sorry wait a minute

The pilots were hit by a drone and

then rescued by another drone?

then rescued by another drone

Am I crazy, or were we warned about this?

Am I crazy or were we warned about this

The robots are here.

The robots are here

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God.

Oh my God

[APPLAUSE CHEERING]

APPLAUSE CHEERING

You beautiful mystery.

You beautiful mystery

You were right.

You were right

I am sorry, I ever doubted you.

I am sorry I ever doubted you

Delete previous insults.

Delete previous insults

It's crazy that this war is not wrapped up already.

It's crazy that this war is not wrapped up already

What is the president doing that's more

important than ending this conflict?

important than ending this conflict

The Trump family is promoting this week's

UFC fight at the White House by selling

gold commemorative coins.

gold commemorative coins

The Freedom 250 Silver and Gold Medallions feature Trump's face

and are being marketed as a collaboration between the UFC

and the Trump organization.

and the Trump organization

Oh.

Oh, OK, ending the war is important,

Oh OK ending the war is important

but a collab with UFC, I mean, that

but a collab with UFC I mean that

doesn't come along every day.

doesn't come along every day

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

The Iran war is almost over.

The Iran war is almost over

Breaking news from the White House,

Breaking news from the White House

where President Trump has just called off his threat

to bomb Iran tonight.

to bomb Iran tonight

He, quote, "understands" that the supreme

He quote understands that the supreme

leader of Iran has approved of a deal

to end the war with Iran.

to end the war with Iran

The Strait will officially open

as soon as we sign, which could be soon,

as soon as we sign which could be soon

very soon, maybe over the weekend, in Europe.

very soon maybe over the weekend in Europe

I won't be able to be there.

I won't be able to be there

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Why are you not going to the ceremony you just invented?

Why are you not going to the ceremony you just invented

What could you have going on that's more

important than ending a war?

important than ending a war

Donald Trump will ring in his 80th birthday with a UFC cage

match on the White House lawn.

match on the White House lawn

Ah well yes.

Ah well yes

No. [BOOING]

No BOOING

No no no.

No no no

It makes sense, OK, because peace in the Middle East

It makes sense OK because peace in the Middle East

is one thing, but a UFC fight is obviously more important,

is one thing but a UFC fight is obviously more important

you know?

you know

It's like how Franklin Roosevelt

missed the end of World War II to be at WrestleMania.

missed the end of World War II to be at WrestleMania

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

But regardless of whether Donald Trump is there or not,

But regardless of whether Donald Trump is there or not

the US and Iran have reached a deal.

the US and Iran have reached a deal

REPORTER: Iran says they have not reached any sort of deal.

REPORTER: Iran says they have not reached any sort of deal

OK, maybe, the war will keep going on for a while.

OK maybe the war will keep going on for a while

But listen, don't worry.

But listen don't worry

Trump is going to win this war.

Trump is going to win this war

It's guaranteed.

It's guaranteed

He's up like, 29 points.

He's up like 29 points

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

Great news.

Great news

The Iran war is finished.

The Iran war is finished

REPORTER: In the gilded halls of Versailles--

REPORTER: In the gilded halls of Versailles-

REPORTER: --President Trump marking

REPORTER: -President Trump marking

the end of the G7 Summit by signing a Memorandum

of Understanding with Iran.

of Understanding with Iran

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

That was it?

That was it

That was signing the peace treaty?

That was signing the peace treaty

It felt more like paying the bill after dinner.

It felt more like paying the bill after dinner

Did Iran get the jalapeno poppers?

Did Iran get the jalapeno poppers

Because I didn't have any of the poppers.

Because I didn't have any of the poppers

I shouldn't have to pay for half the poppers.

I shouldn't have to pay for half the poppers

Although I can understand why Trump didn't want

a bigger ceremony than this.

a bigger ceremony than this

If you look at the details of this deal,

If you look at the details of this deal

it's not really that great for him.

it's not really that great for him

REPORTER: The agreement's most controversial provision,

REPORTER: The agreement's most controversial provision

a $300 billion framework for the reconstruction of Iran

a 300 billion framework for the reconstruction of Iran

and the return of over $100 billion in assets

and the return of over 100 billion in assets

that were frozen by the US.

that were frozen by the US

In exchange, Iran must allow toll-free passage

In exchange Iran must allow toll-free passage

through the Strait of Hormuz for 60 days,

through the Strait of Hormuz for 60 days

which existed before the war.

which existed before the war

$300 billion?

300 billion

I mean, how did that happen?

I mean how did that happen

You know what?

You know what

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute

Can we zoom in there for a second?

Can we zoom in there for a second

Can we zoom in?

Can we zoom in

There it is.

There it is

They got him with that automatic gratuity.

They got him with that automatic gratuity

You got to watch out for that.

You got to watch out for that

So basically, we go back to where we were before the war,

So basically we go back to where we were before the war

except Iran gets $400 billion.

except Iran gets 400 billion

And to add insult to injury, the Ayatollah is

And to add insult to injury the Ayatollah is

using all that cash to build himself a sweet-ass

ballroom so--

ballroom so-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

You know what?

You know what

Maybe it's worth giving Iran a big

ol' bribe if it means completely eliminating

their military apparatus.

their military apparatus

He conceded yesterday that it will not completely eliminate

their military apparatus.

their military apparatus

What?

What

Didn't they have a whole ballistic missile

arsenal that we were trying to dismantle?

arsenal that we were trying to dismantle

The president saying it would be unfair for Iran

not to have a ballistic missile arsenal while their neighbors

in the Gulf do.

in the Gulf do

If other countries have them, it's

If other countries have them it's

a little bit unfair for them not to have some.

a little bit unfair for them not to have some

Slow down there, Ms. Rachel.

Slow down there Ms Rachel

I don't know if sharing is caring applies to ICBMs, OK?

I don't know if sharing is caring applies to ICBMs OK

All right.

All right

I'm a bit confused here.

I'm a bit confused here

I'm trying to remember Trump's position on all of this

before the treaty.

before the treaty

We are going to destroy their missiles

and raze their missile industry to the ground.

and raze their missile industry to the ground

It will be totally, again, obliterated.

It will be totally again obliterated

OK OK.

OK OK

That sounds bad.

That sounds bad

Maybe that was taken out of context.

Maybe that was taken out of context

Can we play the rest of the sentence?

Can we play the rest of the sentence

It will be totally, again, obliterated.

It will be totally again obliterated

MAN: Unless, it's a little bit unfair.

MAN: Unless it's a little bit unfair

OK OK.

OK OK

Yes, thank you.

Yes thank you

See see see.

See see see

And you people doubted his dedication

to equity and inclusion.

to equity and inclusion

But the fact that Donald Trump started

a war that ended badly for him is not really a surprise.

a war that ended badly for him is not really a surprise

What's a little shocking is that conservatives

are calling him out on it.

are calling him out on it

The details that I've seen so far look awful.

The details that I've seen so far look awful

I don't want to see theocratic Islamists who

want to kill us made stronger.

want to kill us made stronger

Count me in the skeptical column.

Count me in the skeptical column

They're going to recover everything

we've taken away from them.

we've taken away from them

It's much bigger than a mistake.

It's much bigger than a mistake

They're better off than they were

before the hostilities began.

before the hostilities began

Wow.

Wow

That assessment is brutal for Trump.

That assessment is brutal for Trump

I mean, the man who went to his barber and said,

I mean the man who went to his barber and said

I wanted my head to look like the reservoir tip of a condom

thinks you have bad judgment.

thinks you have bad judgment

I mean, Mr. President, you need to bring

I mean Mr President you need to bring

the skeptics onto your side.

the skeptics onto your side

And I'm sure you'll marshal all of your rhetorical wit

and persuasive techniques to do so.

and persuasive techniques to do so

A furious response from the president.

A furious response from the president

This is what he wrote before dawn.

This is what he wrote before dawn

"These fools who think I haven't been tough enough

These fools who think I haven't been tough enough

on Iran, they're just either jealous,

on Iran they're just either jealous

bad people, or stupid."

bad people or stupid

[CLAPPING]

CLAPPING

Masterful sir masterful.

Masterful sir masterful

Oh, another powerful rebuttal on par with the greats.

Oh another powerful rebuttal on par with the greats

I believe, it was Cicero who said,

I believe it was Cicero who said

you fugly sluts wish you were thick like me.

you fugly sluts wish you were thick like me

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

But you know what? It doesn't really matter.

But you know what It doesn't really matter

It doesn't matter who we send because there's

not a lot of wiggle room in these negotiations.

not a lot of wiggle room in these negotiations

President Trump has been very clear about what's expected.

President Trump has been very clear about what's expected

The president said, "There will

The president said There will

be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender."

be no deal with Iran except unconditional surrender

Ta-ta.

Ta-ta

So basically, JD Vance is just there

So basically JD Vance is just there

to pick up the white flag, get it signed,

to pick up the white flag get it signed

hand out a couple of orange slices, call it a game.

hand out a couple of orange slices call it a game

But for all you nit-peacers out there wondering, well,

But for all you nit-peacers out there wondering well

what does surrender even mean?

what does surrender even mean

It's very simple.

It's very simple

They laid it out quite clearly.

They laid it out quite clearly

We want to see no nuclear bomb, no nuclear weapon.

We want to see no nuclear bomb no nuclear weapon

Not even close to it.

Not even close to it

I say no enrichment.

I say no enrichment

They want it for civilian, you know for civil.

They want it for civilian you know for civil

I think it's uncivil.

I think it's uncivil

We also want the enriched uranium.

We also want the enriched uranium

Destroying Iran's missile capabilities

and their capacity to produce brand new ones.

and their capacity to produce brand new ones

No money will exchange hands in any way, shape, or form.

No money will exchange hands in any way shape or form

Bull-- So we already know what the deal is.

Bull- So we already know what the deal is

So why don't we go through the deal point by point?

So why don't we go through the deal point by point

Probably isn't going to take much time

at all, pretty simple.

at all pretty simple

Number one, they have to give us all

Number one they have to give us all

their valuable nuclear material.

their valuable nuclear material

It's actually not valuable.

It's actually not valuable

Not a lot of value, but we'd like

Not a lot of value but we'd like

to get it, psychologically, but nobody's touching it.

to get it psychologically but nobody's touching it

Oh OK.

Oh OK

OK yeah.

OK yeah

So we're not actually going to get it,

So we're not actually going to get it

but at least, they can't touch it.

but at least they can't touch it

I mean, they can look at it.

I mean they can look at it

Looking's not cheating.

Looking's not cheating

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean

As long as Iran doesn't use it for enrichment, you know,

As long as Iran doesn't use it for enrichment you know

for military or civilian use, that's

for military or civilian use that's

where we actually are drawing the line, right, Mr. Trump?

where we actually are drawing the line right Mr Trump

Well, it is a little hard, though, when you

Well it is a little hard though when you

say that somebody wants to--

say that somebody wants to-

other people have it, other adjoining states have it,

other people have it other adjoining states have it

and you're not letting them have

it for purposes of electricity and things like that.

it for purposes of electricity and things like that

It's always a little tough.

It's always a little tough

You have to use a little common sense.

You have to use a little common sense

Have to use-- you're the non-nuclear guy!

Have to use- you're the non-nuclear guy

You're the one who said it!

You're the one who said it

Now, suddenly, yeah, enrich a little bit.

Now suddenly yeah enrich a little bit

I mean, we all enrich nuclear material at some point.

I mean we all enrich nuclear material at some point

You know what I'm saying.

You know what I'm saying

The point is, we don't have to be

The point is we don't have to be

such hard asses about the nuclear,

such hard asses about the nuclear

because really, the main reason we went

because really the main reason we went

there was the ballistic missile program.

there was the ballistic missile program

That's why we're there.

That's why we're there

And we are definitely not budging on that.

And we are definitely not budging on that

The conventional ballistic missiles, which we'll

The conventional ballistic missiles which we'll

be talking about, and support--

be talking about and support-

I mean, they have to have some because other people have some.

I mean they have to have some because other people have some

They gotta have some

Sir, you shouldn't let them have any missile.

Sir you shouldn't let them have any missile

I said, well, what am I going to do?

I said well what am I going to do

Am I going to let Saudi Arabia have missiles,

Am I going to let Saudi Arabia have missiles

but they can't have them?

but they can't have them

Yes sir.

Yes sir

They can't.

They can't

It doesn't work that way.

It doesn't work that way

It doesn't work that way.

It doesn't work that way

We know that.

We know that

We know it doesn't work out.

We know it doesn't work out

Why are you acting like we're the assholes?

Why are you acting like we're the assholes

Like we were the assholes who were like,

Like we were the assholes who were like

no missiles, no nuclear, and you're like,

no missiles no nuclear and you're like

you gotta be reasonable.

you gotta be reasonable

We're just backing you up, and now you're telling us,

We're just backing you up and now you're telling us

use your heads, people.

use your heads people

I mean, they got to have missiles.

I mean they got to have missiles

You never know when some impulsive asshole

is going to start bombing them out of nowhere.

is going to start bombing them out of nowhere

They don't have missiles.

They don't have missiles

They're going to have whatever.

They're going to have whatever

What are we doing?

What are we doing

What kind of-- fine, fine.

What kind of- fine fine

Let them have [BLEEP] missiles.

Let them have BLEEP missiles

At least, no money's changing hands.

At least no money's changing hands

KAITLAN COLLINS: As for money, the US

KAITLAN COLLINS: As for money the US

pledges to help create a $300 billion

pledges to help create a 300 billion

reconstruction fund for Iran, allowing Iran immediately

reconstruction fund for Iran allowing Iran immediately

to start selling its oil.

to start selling its oil

That could earn Iran $60 to $70 billion per year.

That could earn Iran 60 to 70 billion per year

Also in this agreement, the unfreezing

Also in this agreement the unfreezing

of Iranian assets, which could be upwards of $100 billion.

of Iranian assets which could be upwards of 100 billion

So the hard line extremist regime of Iran

gets a nuclear stockpile, missiles, and money.

gets a nuclear stockpile missiles and money

Iran is a circumcision away from being Israel.

Iran is a circumcision away from being Israel

Now wait.

Now wait

I don't--

I don't-

[CHEERING]

CHEERING

I don't actually know if Iranians circumcise,

I don't actually know if Iranians circumcise

so that may not be accurate.

so that may not be accurate

But you get my point.

But you get my point

I'm sure someone will leave that in the Comment section.

I'm sure someone will leave that in the Comment section

I don't know if their penises have the hijab.

I don't know if their penises have the hijab

I don't know.

I don't know

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Maybe they just have where you just see the penises' eyes.

Maybe they just have where you just see the penises' eyes

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

There's no graphic for that joke, by the way.

There's no graphic for that joke by the way

Look, if this is what we're giving the Iranians,

Look if this is what we're giving the Iranians

I don't understand why the Iranians are snubbing JD Vance.

I don't understand why the Iranians are snubbing JD Vance

They should be kissing his booger-laden ring.

They should be kissing his booger-laden ring

I mean, what does America get for all these concessions?

I mean what does America get for all these concessions

Yesterday was a very, very good day.

Yesterday was a very very good day

We made a lot of good progress.

We made a lot of good progress

Oh yeah.

Oh yeah

Go get 'em, Joan Didion Vance.

Go get 'em Joan Didion Vance

What kind of project?

What kind of project

Go get 'em, old J-Mountain Dew Vance.

Go get 'em old J-Mountain Dew Vance

I knew you'd come through.

I knew you'd come through

What did we get?

What did we get

The Iranians have agreed to invite IAEA inspectors back

into their country.

into their country

That is a major milestone for the American people.

That is a major milestone for the American people

Oh, yeah, that's a big milestone.

Oh yeah that's a big milestone

We haven't had nuclear inspectors in Iran since, oh,

We haven't had nuclear inspectors in Iran since oh

when you started bombing them last year.

when you started bombing them last year

Iran inspectors went in there after the JCPOA

that Obama negotiated, and they only

that Obama negotiated and they only

left when we attacked Iran.

left when we attacked Iran

So just out of curiosity, why did we tear up the Obama deal

So just out of curiosity why did we tear up the Obama deal

with Iran, again?

with Iran again

That horrible Iran nuclear deal,

That horrible Iran nuclear deal

that horrible, stupid deal.

that horrible stupid deal

The stupidity of that deal, where we give $150 billion,

The stupidity of that deal where we give 150 billion

we get nothing.

we get nothing

The deal allowed Iran to continue enriching uranium.

The deal allowed Iran to continue enriching uranium

It also fails to address the regime's development

of ballistic missiles.

of ballistic missiles

Who would make a deal so stupid as that?

Who would make a deal so stupid as that

The dumbest deal I've ever seen.

The dumbest deal I've ever seen

The worst deal ever negotiated of any kind.

The worst deal ever negotiated of any kind

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Yeah, what kind of a dumb [BLEEP]?

Yeah what kind of a dumb BLEEP

You know, at the time--

You know at the time-

it's so crazy.

it's so crazy

I guess, the theory is, why trade smaller concessions

I guess the theory is why trade smaller concessions

with Iran for peace, when we could

with Iran for peace when we could

instead lose a war with them and make bigger concessions?

instead lose a war with them and make bigger concessions

Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Iran.

Well I hope you learned your lesson Iran

There's plenty more concessions where that came from.

There's plenty more concessions where that came from

You mouth off again, and you're getting Greenland.

You mouth off again and you're getting Greenland

All right, but that's fine.

All right but that's fine

Let's just make the best of it.

Let's just make the best of it

JD, can you at least tell us the nuclear inspectors

JD can you at least tell us the nuclear inspectors

will be starting right away to secure the uranium?

will be starting right away to secure the uranium

In terms of when the nuclear inspectors are going to start,

In terms of when the nuclear inspectors are going to start

it's funny.

it's funny

We were trying to call some of the inspectors last night

around 2:00 in the morning.

around 2:00 in the morning

As you can expect, not many people

As you can expect not many people

were answering their phone at 2:00 in the morning.

were answering their phone at 2:00 in the morning

Is that funny, though?

Is that funny though

We've been at war for four months,

We've been at war for four months

and no one thought to call the nuclear inspectors

before 2:00 AM last night?

before 2:00 AM last night

It's really less funny than just

shitty foresight and planning.

shitty foresight and planning

Honestly.

Honestly

I mean, have you ever wondered who the [BLEEP]

I mean have you ever wondered who the BLEEP

buys luggage at an airport?

buys luggage at an airport

That's our negotiating team.

That's our negotiating team

Oh, did we forget something?

Oh did we forget something

Oh, you know what?

Oh you know what

Why am I walking through the airport just

carrying my shit in my arms.

carrying my shit in my arms

Just called the nuclear inspectors

at 2:00 in the morning?

at 2:00 in the morning

[BLEEP]

BLEEP

Are we getting anything in exchange

for letting Iran have, like, half a trillion dollars?

for letting Iran have like half a trillion dollars

If there is any frozen Iranian assets that

are unfrozen, the money would actually

are unfrozen the money would actually

go to buy American soy, American corn, and

go to buy American soy American corn and

American wheat, for the benefit of the Iranian people.

American wheat for the benefit of the Iranian people

A classic Trump deal.

A classic Trump deal

Oh.

It is a classic Trump deal.

It is a classic Trump deal

Announce a bold action with grandiose ambition,

Announce a bold action with grandiose ambition

and then shit the bed, and then state confidently that bed

and then shit the bed and then state confidently that bed

was the goal all along.

was the goal all along

And then, finally, name the bed after Trump.

And then finally name the bed after Trump

Yes, folks, we went to war with Iran

Yes folks we went to war with Iran

to force them to take money to buy our crops.

to force them to take money to buy our crops

Win win.

Win win

How did no one else figure this out?

How did no one else figure this out

How did no other president have the foresight to bomb a country

into a crop-buying spree?

into a crop-buying spree

Well, I think one big difference, Phil, is that we

Well I think one big difference Phil is that we

have a smart president.

have a smart president

Whereas in the past, we've had dumb presidents.

Whereas in the past we've had dumb presidents

Adding.

Adding

[BLOWS NOSE]

BLOWS NOSE

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

RACHEL SCOTT: Overnight, Iran and the US trading fire.

RACHEL SCOTT: Overnight Iran and the US trading fire

Tehran launching attacks across the region,

Tehran launching attacks across the region

targeting US military sites in Bahrain and Kuwait.

targeting US military sites in Bahrain and Kuwait

Just hours earlier, the US hitting over 80 targets.

Just hours earlier the US hitting over 80 targets

President Trump said the ceasefire with Iran

is now over, calling into question the future

is now over calling into question the future

of these negotiations, and whether America will fully

of these negotiations and whether America will fully

be brought back into this war.

be brought back into this war

What do you mean, brought back into the war?

What do you mean brought back into the war

We're the ones doing the war.

We're the ones doing the war

It's like a tornado being like, oh, whoa,

It's like a tornado being like oh whoa

why is it so windy in here?

why is it so windy in here

What's happening?

What's happening

So yeah, the ceasefire may be over, but lucky for us,

So yeah the ceasefire may be over but lucky for us

we got a deal maker in chief as our president.

we got a deal maker in chief as our president

And when he's in charge, it's never over.

And when he's in charge it's never over

To me, I think it's over.

To me I think it's over

They're scum.

They're scum

They're sick people.

They're sick people

They're led by sick people.

They're led by sick people

Vicious, violent people.

Vicious violent people

They're cuckoo, as far as I'm concerned.

They're cuckoo as far as I'm concerned

They're a bunch of lying guys.

They're a bunch of lying guys

They're liars.

They're liars

They're cheats.

They're cheats

They're sick people.

They're sick people

They're scum.

They're scum

You know what scum is?

You know what scum is

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

Yeah, it's the thing covering your reflecting pool, right?

Yeah it's the thing covering your reflecting pool right

[LAUGHTER CHEERING]

LAUGHTER CHEERING

But look, Mr. President, take a step back, OK?

But look Mr President take a step back OK

You've only been negotiating for three weeks.

You've only been negotiating for three weeks

What made you so mad at them?

What made you so mad at them

They asked for a timeout.

They asked for a timeout

They wanted to go to the funeral of Khamenei,

They wanted to go to the funeral of Khamenei

and I said, give it to him.

and I said give it to him

And they started shooting missiles.

And they started shooting missiles

I mean, it was a crazy thing.

I mean it was a crazy thing

Yeah, it's so crazy.

Yeah it's so crazy

It's crazy.

It's crazy

I mean, look, I get what you're saying.

I mean look I get what you're saying

Iran has for a timeout for a funeral,

Iran has for a timeout for a funeral

and then they shot missiles at oil tankers.

and then they shot missiles at oil tankers

You're not supposed to shoot during a timeout.

You're not supposed to shoot during a timeout

OK, you got to respect playground rules.

OK you got to respect playground rules

But, Mr. President, is there any possible reason

But Mr President is there any possible reason

you think they might want to launch missiles

during their leader's funeral?

during their leader's funeral

I mean, it's a crazy thing.

I mean it's a crazy thing

Now, we did kill him.

Now we did kill him

Yes.

Yes

I guess, you have to look at it that way.

I guess you have to look at it that way

I think we make a breakthrough here, OK,

I think we make a breakthrough here OK

because that's what I love Trump.

because that's what I love Trump

He sees things from other people's

perspectives sometimes.

perspectives sometimes

But whoever started the war, it doesn't matter.

But whoever started the war it doesn't matter

Although, it was you.

Although it was you

The important thing now is getting help.

The important thing now is getting help

And again, it's great that he's at the NATO sex summit

And again it's great that he's at the NATO sex summit

because he can use all the allies he can get.

because he can use all the allies he can get

Wait what?

Wait what

Wait Spain?

Wait Spain

Where did that come from?

Where did that come from

Did I miss an episode or something?

Did I miss an episode or something

Because, I don't remember Spain being a character in the show,

Because I don't remember Spain being a character in the show

but I guess, Trump has some kind of problem with Spain?

but I guess Trump has some kind of problem with Spain

Holy shit.

Holy shit

They're cutting trade off?

They're cutting trade off

Wait, are you confusing Spain with Mexico?

Wait are you confusing Spain with Mexico

You know, well, you know, Spain is white, right?

You know well you know Spain is white right

They're the white people.

They're the white people

I mean, they're tan, but they're still white people.

I mean they're tan but they're still white people

You can't just cut off trade with Spain.

You can't just cut off trade with Spain

I mean, how are we going to get our--

I mean how are we going to get our-

our-- what the [BLEEP] do these guys make, again?

our- what the BLEEP do these guys make again

Cathedrals croquetas paellas.

Cathedrals croquetas paellas

Why is Spain causing you so much pain?

Why is Spain causing you so much pain

Explain.

Explain

Spain is a terrible partner in NATO.

Spain is a terrible partner in NATO

They don't participate.

They don't participate

They don't pay, I don't want anything to do with Spain.

They don't pay I don't want anything to do with Spain

Cut off all trade with Spain, please.

Cut off all trade with Spain please

Including visits.

Including visits

Whoa.

Whoa

Whoa whoa whoa.

Whoa whoa whoa

OK, now, I'm calling a timeout.

OK now I'm calling a timeout

What do you mean, including visits?

What do you mean including visits

Does he mean diplomatic, or am I not

Does he mean diplomatic or am I not

allowed to go to Spain, now?

allowed to go to Spain now

Because I had a whole Eat, Pray, Love planned.

Because I had a whole Eat Pray Love planned

The eat was in Mallorca.

The eat was in Mallorca

Can you at least talk to Spain, first?

Can you at least talk to Spain first

I don't want to do any more trade with them.

I don't want to do any more trade with them

All right?

All right

Take it immediately.

Take it immediately

Don't even talk to them.

Don't even talk to them

Don't even talk to them.

Don't even talk to them

You can look at their Stories, but don't like them.

You can look at their Stories but don't like them

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

If we're cutting the funding that prevents Americans

from getting the disease that turns our guts inside out,

from getting the disease that turns our guts inside out

where exactly is our money?

where exactly is our money

REPORTER 1: An internal Pentagon estimate

puts the cost of the war with Iran

at between $80 and $100 billion.

at between 80 and 100 billion

REPORTER 2: That, marking a significant increase

REPORTER 2: That marking a significant increase

from the roughly $30 billion estimated

from the roughly 30 billion estimated

just three months ago.

just three months ago

Ugh.

Ugh

Oh, I see.

Oh I see

Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea.

Looks like our military budget also has diarrhea

Well, America, I'm sorry to say,

Well America I'm sorry to say

but the money it takes to blow up Iran

is the reason we're blowing up our own bathrooms.

is the reason we're blowing up our own bathrooms

It's like how our grandparents grew

their own crops to support the troops during World War II.

their own crops to support the troops during World War II

Except, our version of this is power washing

Except our version of this is power washing

the toilet with our butthole.

the toilet with our butthole

So--

So-

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

--when you hit week three of hell squirts, remember,

-when you hit week three of hell squirts remember

you're doing it for Uncle Sam.

you're doing it for Uncle Sam

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

You might remember back in March

when President Trump quickly launched his quick war in Iran,

when President Trump quickly launched his quick war in Iran

and conservative media told you how quick,

and conservative media told you how quick

it was quickly going to go.

it was quickly going to go

We've already knocked out so much of their capability.

We've already knocked out so much of their capability

It looks like this is just a wrap-up mission at this point.

It looks like this is just a wrap-up mission at this point

I don't see how this thing can continue much longer.

I don't see how this thing can continue much longer

The war may be over right now.

The war may be over right now

I just left the president.

I just left the president

Today was a great interview.

Today was a great interview

I said to him, Mr. President, you keep talking about the war

I said to him Mr President you keep talking about the war

like was.

like was

I said, is it over?

I said is it over

He said, it's over.

He said it's over

Aw, she was so happy there, dressed like a pimp

Aw she was so happy there dressed like a pimp

on Martha's Vineyard.

on Martha's Vineyard

Kind of like if Katharine Hepburn was in a music

video for Three 6 Mafia.

video for Three 6 Mafia

Anyway, that was five months ago, so by now,

Anyway that was five months ago so by now

the end must surely be in sight.

the end must surely be in sight

Tonight, no end in sight in the war against Iran.

Tonight no end in sight in the war against Iran

Why?

Why

Do you know something that I don't know?

Do you know something that I don't know

You don't know anything.

You don't know anything

You something that I don't know?

You something that I don't know

Do you know something I don't know?

Do you know something I don't know

My God, this guy's cranky.

My God this guy's cranky

Get him to a cabinet meeting so he can take a nap.

Get him to a cabinet meeting so he can take a nap

But yes, it's a little awkward for Trump's media boosters that

But yes it's a little awkward for Trump's media boosters that

the war is still going on, and it's especially awkward

the war is still going on and it's especially awkward

for Greg Kelly, Newsmax anchor and

for Greg Kelly Newsmax anchor and

guy who's definitely been kicked

out of an airport Chili's.

out of an airport Chili's

He's gone all in for Trump, and he really put

He's gone all in for Trump and he really put

his reputation on the line.

his reputation on the line

I guess, this is not a bold prediction on my part

I guess this is not a bold prediction on my part

because the president just said this, but I predict,

because the president just said this but I predict

also, this time next week, we may be able to declare victory.

also this time next week we may be able to declare victory

I tell you what, I'll tell you

I tell you what I'll tell you

what, though, it's still better than his other prediction.

what though it's still better than his other prediction

Diarrhea-free summer.

Diarrhea-free summer

That did not go well.

That did not go well

But yeah, one weekend Greg predicted that the war

But yeah one weekend Greg predicted that the war

would be over soon.

would be over soon

And did he flinch a week later when the war was still going?

And did he flinch a week later when the war was still going

No, he did not.

No he did not

The war in Iran, which is only 17 days old,

The war in Iran which is only 17 days old

and from what I'm hearing, this thing is going to be over,

and from what I'm hearing this thing is going to be over

probably, before the 28th day.

probably before the 28th day

This is contained.

This is contained

There you go.

There you go

17 days and over before day 28.

17 days and over before day 28

Is it over, or is it just beginning?

Is it over or is it just beginning

Maybe a little bit of both.

Maybe a little bit of both

We are right now, at 30 days.

We are right now at 30 days

Gotcha gotcha.

Gotcha gotcha

We are now at 30 days, and the war is

We are now at 30 days and the war is

over and also, just beginning.

over and also just beginning

And before you say, wait, those are opposites,

And before you say wait those are opposites

may I remind you that every new beginning

comes from some other beginning's end.

comes from some other beginning's end

"Closing Time."

Closing Time

But the point is, chill out, guys.

But the point is chill out guys

Don't make Greg get sarcastic.

Don't make Greg get sarcastic

GREG KELLY: Wow, this Iran war has been going on for years?

GREG KELLY: Wow this Iran war has been going on for years

Months?

Months

No, 52 days.

No 52 days

52 days.

52 days

Relax.

Relax

And, quite frankly, we're not even shooting anymore.

And quite frankly we're not even shooting anymore

73 days, and the coverage is relentlessly negative.

73 days and the coverage is relentlessly negative

Well, by one count, you could say, 81 days.

Well by one count you could say 81 days

However, a more accurate count would say 41 days when

However a more accurate count would say 41 days when

you factor in the ceasefire.

you factor in the ceasefire

81 days, that's nothing.

81 days that's nothing

Especially, if you call it 41 days.

Especially if you call it 41 days

I mean, do you want him to keep going, people?

I mean do you want him to keep going people

Because he'll keep going.

Because he'll keep going

GREG KELLY: If you add it all up, four months.

GREG KELLY: If you add it all up four months

Oh sure.

Oh sure

If you add up the days, it seems like a lot of days.

If you add up the days it seems like a lot of days

What?

What

You don't want to add on the 21 days since the first four

months too?

months too

GREG KELLY: Four months and 21 days.

GREG KELLY: Four months and 21 days

How is that for a forever war?

How is that for a forever war

Well, it's a start.

Well it's a start

So basically, Donald Trump is locked in a forever war,

So basically Donald Trump is locked in a forever war

has no plan to get out, and has hardly

has no plan to get out and has hardly

any defenders besides Kirkland Signature Sean Hannity.

any defenders besides Kirkland Signature Sean Hannity

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

Donald Trump has assured many times that we've

already won the war.

already won the war

So, why are gas prices still going up?

So why are gas prices still going up

REPORTER: As a new wave of strikes

this weekend targets vessels in the Strait of Hormuz,

this weekend targets vessels in the Strait of Hormuz

prompting escalating threats.

prompting escalating threats

God, damn it.

God damn it

The Strait of Hormuz?

The Strait of Hormuz

How is this still happening?

How is this still happening

We're the United States.

We're the United States

We almost beat the Taliban.

We almost beat the Taliban

I know we can handle one strait.

I know we can handle one strait

REPORTER: A dramatic escalation tonight in the war with Iran.

REPORTER: A dramatic escalation tonight in the war with Iran

Iranian-backed Houthis in Yemen threatening a second waterway

critical to global trade.

critical to global trade

The Bab al-Mandab Strait, a vital route for Saudi oil.

The Bab al-Mandab Strait a vital route for Saudi oil

There's another Strait, now?

There's another Strait now

This war is like a telenovela.

This war is like a telenovela

The Strait of Hormuz has a twin.

The Strait of Hormuz has a twin

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

I'm starting to think, it's bad that our entire economy

I'm starting to think it's bad that our entire economy

is built on extracting oil from incredibly

narrow waterways in the world's most volatile region.

narrow waterways in the world's most volatile region

And I just want to give a shout out to my favorite Strait,

And I just want to give a shout out to my favorite Strait

by the way. Gibraltar.

by the way Gibraltar

Right?

Right

I mean, drama-free, staying in its lane.

I mean drama-free staying in its lane

No one has anything bad to ever say

about the Strait of Gibraltar.

about the Strait of Gibraltar

Anyways, love you Gib.

Anyways love you Gib

So now, we have two Straits that we get our oil from,

So now we have two Straits that we get our oil from

and they're both closed.

and they're both closed

How did this happen?

How did this happen

A lot of it has to do with the Iranian-supported

Houthi rebels in Yemen.

Houthi rebels in Yemen

Here, we can see the Houthis have now spread their control.

Here we can see the Houthis have now spread their control

Actually, it does include this town right here.

Actually it does include this town right here

And it also includes a very key island in the Strait

of Bab al-Mandab right here.

of Bab al-Mandab right here

They've been running oil out of this pipeline

here, into the Red Sea.

here into the Red Sea

Shut up, shut up, shut up!

Shut up shut up shut up

Just, shut up!

Just shut up

I don't want to learn any more obscure

Middle Eastern geography.

Middle Eastern geography

I shouldn't have to know what Perim Island is.

I shouldn't have to know what Perim Island is

No offense to the people of this region.

No offense to the people of this region

I'm sure, it's a beautiful place with a rich and

I'm sure it's a beautiful place with a rich and

fascinating history.

fascinating history

But every time I learn something new about it,

But every time I learn something new about it

it means my life has gotten worse.

it means my life has gotten worse

By this time next year, gas is going to be $12 a gallon,

By this time next year gas is going to be 12 a gallon

and I'm going to be able to name all the rivers in Oman.

and I'm going to be able to name all the rivers in Oman

[LAUGHTER]

LAUGHTER

This brain wasn't built to learn

about international waterways.

about international waterways

It was built to learn the names of all

the characters in the Progressive

Insurance commercials.

Insurance commercials

Flo, Jamie, Mara, and of course, Alan.

Flo Jamie Mara and of course Alan

You guys don't know their names?

You guys don't know their names

And more importantly, this all shows

And more importantly this all shows

how badly our commander-in-chief

has managed this war.

has managed this war

I mean, look at this shit.

I mean look at this shit

Iran is not even on the map about the war in Iran.

Iran is not even on the map about the war in Iran

I thought this war was about nukes,

I thought this war was about nukes

but the nukes, they're like up here.

but the nukes they're like up here

This war is starting to feel like that moment in Monopoly

when you know you're going to lose,

when you know you're going to lose

but it's still going to take like six more

hours of hemorrhaging money.

hours of hemorrhaging money

In the meantime, the only things we can count on

In the meantime the only things we can count on

are gas prices going up and the president

lying about them going down.

lying about them going down

[THEME MUSIC]

THEME MUSIC

- Pause

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