Watch and Learn - Jon Stewart on AI's "Better Future" & Kosta on Kimberly Guilfoyle's $100K Amex Bill

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

MUSIC PLAYING

As you know-- many of you here--

As you know- many of you here-

there has been great concern lately over AI

and what data centers will do to local communities,

and what data centers will do to local communities

the threats posed by rogue AI agents.

the threats posed by rogue AI agents

So President Trump called all of the biggest AI leaders

to the White House to finally address the concerns

of the American people.

of the American people

And you know that Trump is going

to bring the heat because--

to bring the heat because-

because--

because-

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Don't be cynical.

Don't be cynical

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

He's going to bring the heat.

He's going to bring the heat

Trump has been very clear what he thinks about these Silicon

Valley elites.

Valley elites

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

These Silicon Valley tyrants.

These Silicon Valley tyrants

The big tech giants-- you see how crooked they are.

The big tech giants- you see how crooked they are

Big tech is totally dishonest.

Big tech is totally dishonest

They're destroying our country.

They're destroying our country

Google is really taking advantage of a lot of people.

Google is really taking advantage of a lot of people

I consider Facebook to be an enemy of the people.

I consider Facebook to be an enemy of the people

Weirdo Mark Zuckerberg.

Weirdo Mark Zuckerberg

Weirdo-- he's a weirdo.

Weirdo- he's a weirdo

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I got to say, I did not know Trump said

I got to say I did not know Trump said

true stuff at his rallies.

true stuff at his rallies

I've been too hard on him.

I've been too hard on him

But no, no, this is going to be great.

But no no this is going to be great

What do you think he's going to announce?

What do you think he's going to announce

An moratorium?

An moratorium

Nationalizing the companies strict antitrust initiatives?

Nationalizing the companies strict antitrust initiatives

Maybe make everybody use those old modems from now on.

Maybe make everybody use those old modems from now on

[MIMICKING MODEM NOISES]

MIMICKING MODEM NOISES

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

What do you got, Tee-tee?

What do you got Tee-tee

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): President Trump

REPORTER VOICEOVER: President Trump

declaring AI leaders should police themselves

after weeks of dire warnings about the threat

it could pose to humanity.

it could pose to humanity

And they're going to self-police.

And they're going to self-police

They're going to police themselves.

They're going to police themselves

It's going to work out very well.

It's going to work out very well

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

AUDIENCE BOOING

They're tyrants.

They're tyrants

They're tyrants.

They're tyrants

(IMPERSONATING PRESIDENT TRUMP)

IMPERSONATING PRESIDENT TRUMP

The enemies of the people will watch the dishonest.

The enemies of the people will watch the dishonest

The tyrants will watch the crooked.

The tyrants will watch the crooked

And everyone will keep an eye on the weirdo.

And everyone will keep an eye on the weirdo

Right.

Right

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

What happened?

What happened

I thought you hated these guys.

I thought you hated these guys

Now you got little inside jokes.

Now you got little inside jokes

Oh.

[MOCKINGLY EXCLAIMING]

MOCKINGLY EXCLAIMING

What'd they give you millions of dollars or something--

What'd they give you millions of dollars or something-

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I'm being told they gave him millions of dollars.

I'm being told they gave him millions of dollars

Well, how can you justify letting the tech

Well how can you justify letting the tech

giants regulate themselves?

giants regulate themselves

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

We have the smartest people in the world

watching over each other.

watching over each other

These are seriously high-IQ people.

These are seriously high-IQ people

And they're really watching over each other.

And they're really watching over each other

[END PLAYBACK] - Wow.

END PLAYBACK Wow

Well, yeah, I mean, seriously high-IQ people

Well yeah I mean seriously high-IQ people

would never have a problem watching over each other

to make sure that moral and legal lines aren't crossed,

to make sure that moral and legal lines aren't crossed

like in the 2008 financial crisis

or this real Epstein files photo of Stephen Hawking.

or this real Epstein files photo of Stephen Hawking

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

(IMPERSONATING STEPHEN HAWKING)

IMPERSONATING STEPHEN HAWKING

I thought it was a symposium.

I thought it was a symposium

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I was going to hell anyway.

I was going to hell anyway

All right, look, maybe I'm overreacting to the dangers

All right look maybe I'm overreacting to the dangers

that AI could present.

that AI could present

Oh, high-IQ Council.

Oh high-IQ Council

Tell me I'm open.

Tell me I'm open

What's the likely outcome of the deployment

of this technology? [VIDEO PLAYBACK]

of this technology VIDEO PLAYBACK

Life is going to get better.

Life is going to get better

The quality of human experience is going to get better.

The quality of human experience is going to get better

Almost make us a little bit superhuman in some ways.

Almost make us a little bit superhuman in some ways

There's going to be a kind of golden era.

There's going to be a kind of golden era

I think AI will probably most likely

lead to the end of the world.

lead to the end of the world

The world is going to get a lot more--

The world is going to get a lot more-

like a lot funnier.

like a lot funnier

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I'm sorry, I looked down for just a second

I'm sorry I looked down for just a second

and I heard the funnier part.

and I heard the funnier part

That's great.

That's great

There was just something said right before--

There was just something said right before-

I don't remember which neurotic weirdo said it.

I don't remember which neurotic weirdo said it

[VIDEO PLAYBACK] - Lead to the end of the world.

VIDEO PLAYBACK Lead to the end of the world

[END PLAYBACK] - Yeah, that one.

END PLAYBACK Yeah that one

It leads to the end of the world.

It leads to the end of the world

What?

What

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

So I thought we'd start with the easiest question of all.

So I thought we'd start with the easiest question of all

Is AI going to kill us?

Is AI going to kill us

[LAUGHING]

LAUGHING

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Not really the place for the awkward laugh.

Not really the place for the awkward laugh

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Well, I think if we all do a good job and an act

Well I think if we all do a good job and an act

responsibly, then no.

responsibly then no

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

AUDIENCE GROANING

You can't even do a good job sitting like a normal human

in a chair.

in a chair

You're sitting like you're Kirk on the [BLEEP] deck--

You're sitting like you're Kirk on the BLEEP deck-

the holodeck.

the holodeck

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

It does not comfort me.

It does not comfort me

But, you know what, maybe we should trust him.

But you know what maybe we should trust him

When has Mark Zuckerberg ever acted irresponsibly?

When has Mark Zuckerberg ever acted irresponsibly

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

This was a major breach of trust,

This was a major breach of trust

and I'm really sorry that this happened.

and I'm really sorry that this happened

That was a big mistake.

That was a big mistake

It was my mistake.

It was my mistake

And I'm sorry.

And I'm sorry

We've made mistakes, for sure.

We've made mistakes for sure

I've made so many mistakes in running the company so far.

I've made so many mistakes in running the company so far

I mean, like basically any mistake

I mean like basically any mistake

that you think you can make, I've probably made.

that you think you can make I've probably made

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

We can think of a lot of mistakes.

We can think of a lot of mistakes

So, yeah, there's definitely a chance AI will kill us all.

So yeah there's definitely a chance AI will kill us all

How big a chance?

How big a chance

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Somewhere between 0% and 10%.

Somewhere between 0 and 10

I think there's some chance that it will end humanity.

I think there's some chance that it will end humanity

I don't know-- 10% or 20% or something like that.

I don't know- 10 or 20 or something like that

So I think there's a 25% chance that things go really,

So I think there's a 25 chance that things go really

really badly. [END PLAYBACK]

really badly END PLAYBACK

Do I hear 50?

Do I hear 50

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

There's a 25% chance this goes really,

There's a 25 chance this goes really

really badly, a 20% chance it ends the world.

really badly a 20 chance it ends the world

So just out of curiosity, why can't we just [BLEEP]

So just out of curiosity why can't we just BLEEP

slow this down rather than let people regulate

something they have a clear conflict of interest

in regulating?

in regulating

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

We cannot let China win the race when it comes to AI.

We cannot let China win the race when it comes to AI

There is no day after tomorrow if China wins at this.

There is no day after tomorrow if China wins at this

They're going to be killer robots.

They're going to be killer robots

I'd rather they be American killer robots

and not Chinese killer robots.

and not Chinese killer robots

[END PLAYBACK] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND BOOING]

END PLAYBACK AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND BOOING

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry

May I offer a third option?

May I offer a third option

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

No killer robots.

No killer robots

Maybe no right--

Maybe no right-

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

The crowd likes it.

The crowd likes it

It seems-- it seems popular.

It seems- it seems popular

I don't know, maybe--

I don't know maybe-

I'm the first person to say it.

I'm the first person to say it

If someone else has already suggested this,

If someone else has already suggested this

I'm terribly sorry.

I'm terribly sorry

Look, let me go a different route here.

Look let me go a different route here

What are we getting in exchange for this 10% to 25%

What are we getting in exchange for this 10 to 25

chance of extinction?

chance of extinction

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Access to high quality health care, education, and more.

Access to high quality health care education and more

Addressing climate change.

Addressing climate change

Actually eliminate poverty.

Actually eliminate poverty

Solving diseases.

Solving diseases

Cure important diseases, like cancer and Alzheimer's.

Cure important diseases like cancer and Alzheimer's

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Wow wow.

Wow wow

That's great.

That's great

I-- when's that happening?

I- when's that happening

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

One day we'll be far more capable.

One day we'll be far more capable

Someday, and it will be soon.

Someday and it will be soon

Someday.

Someday

In the future.

In the future

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Huh.

Huh

Well, I'm looking forward to someday in the future.

Well I'm looking forward to someday in the future

Just out of curiosity, what are we using AI for now.

Just out of curiosity what are we using AI for now

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Swarms of AI powered drones helping

REPORTER VOICEOVER: Swarms of AI powered drones helping

ICE find the immigrants.

ICE find the immigrants

Spread mis- and disinformation

Spread mis and disinformation

to influence our democracy.

to influence our democracy

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Develop weapons and attack plans.

REPORTER VOICEOVER: Develop weapons and attack plans

Targeting operations.

Targeting operations

Cyber attacks.

Cyber attacks

A mass surveillance system.

A mass surveillance system

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): McDonald's

REPORTER VOICEOVER: McDonald's

pushing AI tools to raise prices based on demand.

pushing AI tools to raise prices based on demand

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

AUDIENCE BOOING

So in the future, we will use AI to cure diseases.

So in the future we will use AI to cure diseases

But right now, it's mostly murder, surveillance, and surge

But right now it's mostly murder surveillance and surge

pricing for the McRib.

pricing for the McRib

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

What a trade.

What a trade

I'm getting the sense you guys might be full of shit.

I'm getting the sense you guys might be full of shit

I've got a final test.

I've got a final test

I'm going to ask you a very straightforward question.

I'm going to ask you a very straightforward question

And you being the high-IQ individuals in charge

of regulating yourselves through the minefield

of this new technology, I just want

of this new technology I just want

a straightforward way and an answer to a simple question.

a straightforward way and an answer to a simple question

Jobs-- will we still have them?

Jobs- will we still have them

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

I think there will be actually

a high demand for jobs, but not necessarily the same jobs.

a high demand for jobs but not necessarily the same jobs

Some jobs will go away.

Some jobs will go away

There will be new, better jobs.

There will be new better jobs

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

That's OK.

That's OK

I think we all--

I think we all-

I think we all like new, better jobs.

I think we all like new better jobs

So like, what are the new better jobs?

So like what are the new better jobs

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

They're difficult to imagine as we sit here

and dream about what the future's going to look like.

and dream about what the future's going to look like

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

You high-IQ mother-[BLEEP].

You high-IQ mother-BLEEP

You--

You-

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

Difficult to imagine?

Difficult to imagine

You've imagined us living disease-free on Mars.

You've imagined us living disease-free on Mars

But jobs-- that's beyond the limit of the cosmos.

But jobs- that's beyond the limit of the cosmos

They can't answer the jobs question

in a straightforward manner.

in a straightforward manner

Jensen Huang of NVIDIA, the most valuable company

Jensen Huang of NVIDIA the most valuable company

in the world, do you want to take a shot at a clear answer

in the world do you want to take a shot at a clear answer

to how we humans still find relevance in this new economy?

to how we humans still find relevance in this new economy

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

I believe that we are going to see jobs change in mass.

I believe that we are going to see jobs change in mass

I believe there's going to be a net creation of jobs.

I believe there's going to be a net creation of jobs

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Ah, net creation.

Ah net creation

And those jobs would be--

And those jobs would be-

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

So let's um-- uh, listen, there's a whole bunch

So let's um- uh listen there's a whole bunch

of industry that exist today that didn't exist

halfway through my life.

halfway through my life

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Like?

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

You know, people talking about wellness centers

You know people talking about wellness centers

and spas.

and spas

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

I'm sorry, you were trying to think of an industry that

I'm sorry you were trying to think of an industry that

didn't exist until a few years ago and you came up with spas.

didn't exist until a few years ago and you came up with spas

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

They have ruins of those from 2000 BC.

They have ruins of those from 2000 BC

Are you kidding me.

Are you kidding me

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

You know what, can you guys just stop fumfering around

You know what can you guys just stop fumfering around

and just admit that if this works the way you say

it will work, there aren't going

it will work there aren't going

to be that many jobs anymore.

to be that many jobs anymore

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

If you want to do a job as kind of like a hobby,

If you want to do a job as kind of like a hobby

you can do a job.

you can do a job

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

There you have it.

There you have it

If you're going to want a job, if you still want one,

If you're going to want a job if you still want one

you could have one as a hobby.

you could have one as a hobby

The view of our self-policing geniuses

is that the new world that we are building

must continue without regulation

or financial limitation, because it's

or financial limitation because it's

important work carried out by important people.

important work carried out by important people

And my guess is they'll still have jobs when this is done.

And my guess is they'll still have jobs when this is done

This technology is the natural outcome

of a capitalist system that rewards

progress and innovation.

progress and innovation

And you're never going to believe where it leads?

And you're never going to believe where it leads

[VIDEO PLAYBACK] - An age of abundance.

VIDEO PLAYBACK An age of abundance

REPORTER: What are the jobs of the future?

REPORTER: What are the jobs of the future

Because people are looking at this and they're

worried, particularly laptop jobs.

worried particularly laptop jobs

What are they going to do in the future, Mr. Musk?

What are they going to do in the future Mr Musk

I think by far the most likely outcome

is an age of abundance, where we don't have

is an age of abundance where we don't have

just a universal basic income.

just a universal basic income

We have universal high income.

We have universal high income

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

That's the answer.

That's the answer

If we let them do enough unfettered capitalism,

If we let them do enough unfettered capitalism

we can apparently capitalism our way to socialism.

we can apparently capitalism our way to socialism

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

Knock it out.

Knock it out

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

What?

What

But if the ultimate goal of having an immense flood

of money in society is to then give

it away for free to the people, quick question-- why wait?

it away for free to the people quick question- why wait

If $50 trillion gets us to a future where the government has

If 50 trillion gets us to a future where the government has

enough to give people money, why not just

enough to give people money why not just

give us the $50 trillion now?

give us the 50 trillion now

Don't call us welfare queens.

Don't call us welfare queens

Just call us early adopters.

Just call us early adopters

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

Stop lying to us.

Stop lying to us

Claims of universal high income and incredible hobbies

isn't going to paper over how frightening this future

can sound.

can sound

What are you going to come up with next to distract us?

What are you going to come up with next to distract us

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): : Meta, this week,

REPORTER VOICEOVER: : Meta this week

unveiled a new AI agent that it's, I guess, really

unveiled a new AI agent that it's I guess really

pushing the cuteness factor.

pushing the cuteness factor

It's called Muse.

It's called Muse

It's very cute.

It's very cute

It is cute.

It is cute

I think the default that all the other labs have are these

like robot-looking things.

like robot-looking things

And we just wanted something that was like kind of like fun.

And we just wanted something that was like kind of like fun

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Oh my god, it is fun.

Oh my god it is fun

It's like a Trojan--

It's like a Trojan-

I really don't know what that is.

I really don't know what that is

I want to say a panda [BLEEP] Labubu.

I want to say a panda BLEEP Labubu

I don't really know.

I don't really know

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

We are now just four weeks away from election day,

We are now just four weeks away from election day

the most important Tuesday of the year

after all the taco ones.

after all the taco ones

And right now, Republicans are at a risk of losing

And right now Republicans are at a risk of losing

in a lot of red states.

in a lot of red states

I'm talking states like Texas, Iowa, Kansas

I'm talking states like Texas Iowa Kansas

and even Alabraska.

and even Alabraska

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING] Yeah.

AUDIENCE LAUGHING Yeah

Yeah.

Yeah

You guys didn't even know about Alabraska,

You guys didn't even know about Alabraska

because you're all wrapped up in your East Coast bubble.

because you're all wrapped up in your East Coast bubble

It may just be flyover country to you coastal elites.

It may just be flyover country to you coastal elites

But to the hicks who live there, it's home.

But to the hicks who live there it's home

OK.

But one reason Republicans are struggling

is that they aren't exactly fielding the best candidates.

is that they aren't exactly fielding the best candidates

For example, in the Ohio governor's race,

For example in the Ohio governor's race

their nominee is Vivek Ramaswamy,

their nominee is Vivek Ramaswamy

former presidential candidate and guy

with resting virgin face.

with resting virgin face

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

His campaign really needs a lift,

His campaign really needs a lift

but lifting doesn't seem to be his strong suit.

but lifting doesn't seem to be his strong suit

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

[CHEERING]

CHEERING

I'll pick you up.

I'll pick you up

There you go.

There you go

Whoa.

Whoa

Big guy. [END PLAYBACK]

Big guy END PLAYBACK

Whoa.

Whoa

See, this is why you can't skip lifting kids day at the gym.

See this is why you can't skip lifting kids day at the gym

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Now, to be fair, this kid wasn't helping.

Now to be fair this kid wasn't helping

I mean, look, he went full deadweight.

I mean look he went full deadweight

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

That's the move my kid makes when she doesn't

want to leave the playground.

want to leave the playground

And I don't want to drop her because I'm a good dad,

And I don't want to drop her because I'm a good dad

so typically I just leave her there.

so typically I just leave her there

But this was not what Vivek needed,

But this was not what Vivek needed

especially after the last time he tried

to show off his manliness.

to show off his manliness

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Ohio gubernatorial candidate

REPORTER VOICEOVER: Ohio gubernatorial candidate

Vivek Ramaswamy has deleted a campaign

video after the internet mocked his baseball swing.

video after the internet mocked his baseball swing

There's 10 things I'm going to do for Ohio--

There's 10 things I'm going to do for Ohio-

slash property taxes, abolish your state income tax.

slash property taxes abolish your state income tax

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MUSIC PLAYING

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

What are you laughing at?

What are you laughing at

He swings the bat like Jeter.

He swings the bat like Jeter

That's the name of my blind, gay nephew.

That's the name of my blind gay nephew

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Damn, that swing is bad.

Damn that swing is bad

Please tell me his father died young.

Please tell me his father died young

At least that's an excuse.

At least that's an excuse

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

AUDIENCE GROANING

His father didn't die young.

His father didn't die young

We fact-checked it before the joke.

We fact-checked it before the joke

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I mean, what a harsh way to find out everyone on your staff

I mean what a harsh way to find out everyone on your staff

hates the living shit out of you.

hates the living shit out of you

Hey, does this swing look good?

Hey does this swing look good

Yeah, definitely, that's how all the pros do it.

Yeah definitely that's how all the pros do it

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Meanwhile, in the Texas Senate race,

Meanwhile in the Texas Senate race

Republicans are running Ken Paxton, the attorney

Republicans are running Ken Paxton the attorney

general, who amazingly found someone to cheat on his

general who amazingly found someone to cheat on his

wife with.

wife with

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

He's running an ad trying to highlight his hard stance

on human trafficking, but it's not exactly

on human trafficking but it's not exactly

sending the right message.

sending the right message

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

NARRATOR: A 16-year-old runaway from San Antonio trafficked

around Texas, until Ken Paxton's human

around Texas until Ken Paxton's human

trafficking unit stepped in.

trafficking unit stepped in

When missing posters go up, Ken Paxton takes them down.

When missing posters go up Ken Paxton takes them down

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Wow.

Wow

[AUDIENCE GROANING]

AUDIENCE GROANING

What a harsh way to find out everyone on your staff

hates the living shit out of you?

hates the living shit out of you

This doesn't make me look like I'm kidnapping girls and taking

down the posters, right.

down the posters right

No, of course not.

No of course not

That's how all the pros do it.

That's how all the pros do it

Anyway, with teammates like this,

Anyway with teammates like this

it's no wonder that Donald Trump has decided

to put them on his back and carry them across the finish

line himself.

line himself

Last night, he hit the campaign trail in Nebraska,

Last night he hit the campaign trail in Nebraska

where he promised voters relief from the high gas prices

that some moron inflicted on them.

that some moron inflicted on them

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Tonight, I'm going to sign a historic executive order

Tonight I'm going to sign a historic executive order

to officially waive the off-road requirement

and allow anyone to purchase tax-free red-dyed

diesel for any reason.

diesel for any reason

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Yeah, executive order on red-dyed diesel.

Yeah executive order on red-dyed diesel

What's red-dyed diesel?

What's red-dyed diesel

I mean, I know all of those words individually,

I mean I know all of those words individually

but not all together.

but not all together

Is that how they make Froot Loops?

Is that how they make Froot Loops

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Well, thankfully, the president is signing

Well thankfully the president is signing

an executive order about it.

an executive order about it

So he'll explain it to us.

So he'll explain it to us

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Red-dyed diesel-- do you know what that is?

Red-dyed diesel- do you know what that is

I don't know what the hell it is.

I don't know what the hell it is

But whatever it is, it's supposed to be very good.

But whatever it is it's supposed to be very good

Does anybody want to explain it?

Does anybody want to explain it

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

If you're doing this to help us,

If you're doing this to help us

shouldn't you at least know what it is?

shouldn't you at least know what it is

This feels like a doctor going, well,

This feels like a doctor going well

I finished your vasectomy.

I finished your vasectomy

By the way, what do the balls do anyway?

By the way what do the balls do anyway

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Do you know what, Trump?

Do you know what Trump

I don't think getting a discount off red-dyed diesel

is going to get the country back on your side.

is going to get the country back on your side

You need to do something like end the war

or regulate AI, or stop bringing back diseases

or regulate AI or stop bringing back diseases

that you could only get on the Oregon Trail--

that you could only get on the Oregon Trail-

something big. [VIDEO PLAYBACK]

something big VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Donald Trump wants to make

REPORTER VOICEOVER: Donald Trump wants to make

daylight savings permanent.

daylight savings permanent

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Sure OK.

Sure OK

Daylight saving time-- sometimes

Daylight saving time- sometimes

I also start at the bottom of my to-do list.

I also start at the bottom of my to-do list

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

But OK, let's hear it.

But OK let's hear it

What's your pitch?

What's your pitch

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

We want to get away from this ridiculous way and custom of,

We want to get away from this ridiculous way and custom of

every twice a year, turning your clocks

every twice a year turning your clocks

back, turning your clocks forward, being late for dinner.

back turning your clocks forward being late for dinner

[END PLAYBACK] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

END PLAYBACK AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Yeah.

Yeah

Yeah.

Yeah

Finally, a crisis that Trump takes seriously--

Finally a crisis that Trump takes seriously-

being late for dinner.

being late for dinner

No president wants to get that terrible phone call-- sir,

No president wants to get that terrible phone call- sir

they've already started serving the appetizers.

they've already started serving the appetizers

I mean, it's 2026.

I mean it's 2026

There's like one clock in my entire house that

doesn't change automatically.

doesn't change automatically

If Trump wants to permanently shift the entire country's

daylight hours, he's going to need a better reason than, it's

daylight hours he's going to need a better reason than it's

annoying to change the clock.

annoying to change the clock

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

We don't want to change clocks twice a year.

We don't want to change clocks twice a year

It's very expensive.

It's very expensive

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

It's expensive.

It's expensive

How is it expensive to change your clocks?

How is it expensive to change your clocks

Are you hiring Shohei Ohtani to do it for you?

Are you hiring Shohei Ohtani to do it for you

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong

But historically, it's always cost me $0 to change my clocks.

But historically it's always cost me 0 to change my clocks

Mr. President, you got to give us

Mr President you got to give us

a better reason-- crime rates, car safety, GDP, something.

a better reason- crime rates car safety GDP something

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

They don't want to have to go around changing clocks.

They don't want to have to go around changing clocks

People don't want to have to change

their clocks twice a year.

their clocks twice a year

It's a lot of work for a lot of people that

are running around for two days,

are running around for two days

changing all the clocks in their house.

changing all the clocks in their house

[END PLAYBACK] - OK.

END PLAYBACK OK

OK Now, that sounds like a lie.

OK Now that sounds like a lie

I would make up to avoid going to my daughter's recital.

I would make up to avoid going to my daughter's recital

Sorry, honey, it's going to take me like two days

Sorry honey it's going to take me like two days

to change all the clocks.

to change all the clocks

But I'm sure you'll do great, considering you've practiced

But I'm sure you'll do great considering you've practiced

once in the last six months.

once in the last six months

But I'll admit, it is a lot of running around.

But I'll admit it is a lot of running around

And sadly, most fatal clock-changing accidents

And sadly most fatal clock-changing accidents

happen at home.

happen at home

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

The time of death--

The time of death-

nobody knows.

nobody knows

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

But not all Republicans want this as bad as Trump does.

But not all Republicans want this as bad as Trump does

In fact, the only thing standing in the way of Trump

In fact the only thing standing in the way of Trump

and his dream of permanent daylight

is Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton, so named because he's

is Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton so named because he's

genetically half Q-tip.

genetically half Q-tip

He's single-handedly blocking Trump's bill

from coming to vote.

from coming to vote

And I'm sure Trump is going to be totally normal about that.

And I'm sure Trump is going to be totally normal about that

Right.

Right

Right?

Right

Right?

Right

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

President Trump publicly shared on social media what he

said is the personal cell phone number of Republican Senator

Tom Cotton, in apparent effort to pressure the lawmaker

Tom Cotton in apparent effort to pressure the lawmaker

to support legislation that would make daylight

saving time permanent.

saving time permanent

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Wait, he released his personal cell phone number.

Wait he released his personal cell phone number

Oh my god, what a dick--

Oh my god what a dick-

is what Tom Cotton probably thought when he got

60,000 unsolicited dick pics.

60000 unsolicited dick pics

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Now, I know that sounds annoying.

Now I know that sounds annoying

But it's not as annoying as going around your house for two

days changing all your clocks.

days changing all your clocks

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I know things aren't great right now--

I know things aren't great right now-

the wars, the economy, Taylor Swift's new music.

the wars the economy Taylor Swift's new music

But you know what, I woke up this morning.

But you know what I woke up this morning

The sun was shining.

The sun was shining

People were smiling.

People were smiling

It made me realize, hey, we're all going to be OK.

It made me realize hey we're all going to be OK

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): US health officials

REPORTER VOICEOVER: US health officials

monitoring a possible plague outbreak in Russia.

monitoring a possible plague outbreak in Russia

Nearly 200 people reportedly under

quarantine for the rare, highly contagious, and deadly disease.

quarantine for the rare highly contagious and deadly disease

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Oh my god, the plague.

Oh my god the plague

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Like the plague plague?

Like the plague plague

How come nothing good ever comes

back from the 14th century.

back from the 14th century

What I wouldn't do for a lusty wench with an ample bosom?

What I wouldn't do for a lusty wench with an ample bosom

But no, it had to be the plague.

But no it had to be the plague

Now, I know when you hear about something like this,

Now I know when you hear about something like this

your initial response is, oh my god,

your initial response is oh my god

a deadly pandemic from a foreign country

while Donald Trump is president.

while Donald Trump is president

This is COVID all over again.

This is COVID all over again

But calm down.

But calm down

There's a lot of differences.

There's a lot of differences

For one, nobody's talking about this dangerous infection

For one nobody's talking about this dangerous infection

being accidentally released from a research institute.

being accidentally released from a research institute

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Russian authorities saying a dangerous infection was

accidentally released at an anti-plague research

institute in Southern Siberia.

institute in Southern Siberia

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Oh shit.

Oh shit

It's deja flu.

It's deja flu

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

By the way, do we really need these anti-disease labs

By the way do we really need these anti-disease labs

that only seem to exist to occasionally leak new diseases?

that only seem to exist to occasionally leak new diseases

At least put something fun in them,

At least put something fun in them

so the leak isn't all bad.

so the leak isn't all bad

Sure, we accidentally released the plague,

Sure we accidentally released the plague

but we also accidentally released

a new Yankee candle scent.

a new Yankee candle scent

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

But now that this pathogen is out there,

But now that this pathogen is out there

our only hope is that President Trump is prepared for it.

our only hope is that President Trump is prepared for it

And let's be honest, that's not really his strength.

And let's be honest that's not really his strength

But let's see what he has to say about it.

But let's see what he has to say about it

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

What is the US going to do about the risk

of pneumonic plague coming from Russia?

of pneumonic plague coming from Russia

They call it pneumonia.

They call it pneumonia

And pneumonia, you know, years ago you

And pneumonia you know years ago you

could treat pneumonia easier.

could treat pneumonia easier

The microbes and the germs have gotten

stronger disproportionately.

stronger disproportionately

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Holy shit.

Holy shit

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Did Trump just say disproportionately?

Did Trump just say disproportionately

And microbe?

And microbe

You know, the situation is bad if Trump is learning new words.

You know the situation is bad if Trump is learning new words

This guy falls asleep during every intelligence briefing.

This guy falls asleep during every intelligence briefing

Now all of a sudden, he's coming out here

Now all of a sudden he's coming out here

like, the DNA sequencing of this microbe

like the DNA sequencing of this microbe

disproportionately reveals concerning protein strands.

disproportionately reveals concerning protein strands

This is not good.

This is not good

Don't forget, we as a country have completely

Don't forget we as a country have completely

turned against the basic precautions

that got us through COVID.

that got us through COVID

The joke is going to be on us when the only people

who survive this new plague is that Massachusetts lesbian bar.

who survive this new plague is that Massachusetts lesbian bar

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

But maybe, the most concerning part

But maybe the most concerning part

is that during COVID, Trump at least had some qualified people

is that during COVID Trump at least had some qualified people

around him-- renowned scientists, physicians,

around him- renowned scientists physicians

public health experts.

public health experts

Remind me again, who's in charge of the health department

Remind me again who's in charge of the health department

this time around?

this time around

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

I'm not scared of a germ.

I'm not scared of a germ

You know, I used to snort cocaine off of toilet seats.

You know I used to snort cocaine off of toilet seats

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

So.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

All right.

All right

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

All right, so I'll see you guys on Zoom.

All right so I'll see you guys on Zoom

But you know what, even if this is a plague,

But you know what even if this is a plague

you got to find ways to enjoy your life.

you got to find ways to enjoy your life

For instance, going outside, getting some fresh air,

For instance going outside getting some fresh air

walking around the neighborhood.

walking around the neighborhood

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): The danger lurking underground

REPORTER VOICEOVER: The danger lurking underground

from old and abandoned mines eroding

away and causing sinkholes and other incidents

across the country.

across the country

This 30-foot sinkhole swallowing

a chunk of a suburban South Dakota street.

a chunk of a suburban South Dakota street

Others swallowing cars.

Others swallowing cars

Each of these hundreds of thousands of dots

tied to a mine.

tied to a mine

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

There's a sinkhole pandemic?

There's a sinkhole pandemic

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

I thought the whole job of the ground was to be the ground.

I thought the whole job of the ground was to be the ground

What do you mean there's a ground under the ground?

What do you mean there's a ground under the ground

What the [BLEEP] have I been walking on this whole time?

What the BLEEP have I been walking on this whole time

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

This is so messed up.

This is so messed up

Mines are only supposed to kill the people who work in them.

Mines are only supposed to kill the people who work in them

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING HESITANTLY]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING HESITANTLY

[AUDIENCE BOOING]

AUDIENCE BOOING

Your first reaction was to laugh at that.

Your first reaction was to laugh at that

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

But look at that map.

But look at that map

These things are everywhere.

These things are everywhere

By the way, make sure you save a photo of that map.

By the way make sure you save a photo of that map

Because if you do a Google search for minor holes near me,

Because if you do a Google search for minor holes near me

the FBI is going to show up.

the FBI is going to show up

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

OK.

So I can't be with people, and I can't go outside.

So I can't be with people and I can't go outside

Fine, I'll just stay home and I'll eat

Fine I'll just stay home and I'll eat

my feelings like last time.

my feelings like last time

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): A frozen berry

REPORTER VOICEOVER: A frozen berry

recall is expanding over possible E. coli contamination.

recall is expanding over possible E coli contamination

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Dannon USA

REPORTER VOICEOVER: Dannon USA

is recalling pints of it's So Delicious

dairy-free frozen dessert.

dairy-free frozen dessert

The reason-- possible foreign materials, like small stones.

The reason- possible foreign materials like small stones

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): The frozen pasta dish,

REPORTER VOICEOVER: The frozen pasta dish

sold at Walmart, under recall--

sold at Walmart under recall-

concerns over listeria.

concerns over listeria

Walmart alerting shoppers to check

their freezers for Bettergoods Authentic Italian

Lemon Alfredo Fettuccine.

Lemon Alfredo Fettuccine

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

And if you find a Walmart fettuccine

Alfredo in your freezer, see a doctor

Alfredo in your freezer see a doctor

about clinical depression.

about clinical depression

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Look, I don't think anyone microwaving

Look I don't think anyone microwaving

a frozen brick of fettuccine is really going to care.

a frozen brick of fettuccine is really going to care

Their life is already over.

Their life is already over

Some divorced dad is going to eat this off a paper plate,

Some divorced dad is going to eat this off a paper plate

taste the listeria, and be like, yeah, so what.

taste the listeria and be like yeah so what

Let's start with the US ambassador

to Greece, Kimberly Guilfoyle.

to Greece Kimberly Guilfoyle

You might remember her as Don Junior's former fiance.

You might remember her as Don Junior's former fiance

Sadly, the relationship fell apart after they

Sadly the relationship fell apart after they

got to know each other.

got to know each other

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Or you might remember her from the Trump campaign

where she gave this epic speech.

where she gave this epic speech

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and fighters

Ladies and gentlemen leaders and fighters

for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best

for freedom and liberty and the American dream the best

is yet to come.

is yet to come

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Sadly, her sign language interpreter died of exhaustion.

Sadly her sign language interpreter died of exhaustion

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Of course, before Guilfoyle broke the sound barrier,

Of course before Guilfoyle broke the sound barrier

she reportedly made history as the only woman

to get fired from Fox News for sexual harassment.

to get fired from Fox News for sexual harassment

Hey, hey, you go girl--

Hey hey you go girl-

no, specifically to HR. Go to HR immediately.

no specifically to HR Go to HR immediately

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

With such a stellar resume, it's no surprise

With such a stellar resume it's no surprise

that she was nominated to be Trump's ambassador

to Greece, a critical role in overseeing

to Greece a critical role in overseeing

America's big fat weddings.

America's big fat weddings

And so it's reassuring to know our diplomatic corps

is staffed with such paragons of integrity and, above

is staffed with such paragons of integrity and above

all dignity.

all dignity

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

US Ambassador to Greece and Donald Trump Junior's former

fiancée, Kimberly Guilfoyle, pushed a Trump donor

fiancée Kimberly Guilfoyle pushed a Trump donor

to send her $100,000 to pay her American

to send her 100000 to pay her American

Express bill last year.

Express bill last year

NARRATOR: "Honey, please, I need you to get

NARRATOR: Honey please I need you to get

this done for me today."

this done for me today

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): Adding a prayer hands emoji and a PDF

REPORTER VOICEOVER: Adding a prayer hands emoji and a PDF

with bill payment instructions from American Express.

with bill payment instructions from American Express

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Wow, that was not subtle. Um--

Wow that was not subtle Um-

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Usually it's meet me in the parking lot

with a suitcase full of bills.

with a suitcase full of bills

But Guilfoyle was like, here is a PDF with instructions

But Guilfoyle was like here is a PDF with instructions

for how to send me a bribe.

for how to send me a bribe

Please send the bribe today, honey.

Please send the bribe today honey

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Man, if the Justice Department still existed,

Man if the Justice Department still existed

you'd be in so much trouble.

you'd be in so much trouble

And damn, $100,000 credit card bill.

And damn 100000 credit card bill

Now, her current job makes sense.

Now her current job makes sense

Hmm we need a new ambassador who really understands Greece.

Hmm we need a new ambassador who really understands Greece

Kimberly, you're deep in debt.

Kimberly you're deep in debt

You'd be perfect.

You'd be perfect

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

You OK?

You OK

But yes, Kimberly Guilfoyle, seen here

But yes Kimberly Guilfoyle seen here

demonstrating the size of her debt,

demonstrating the size of her debt

wanted this guy to pay off her Amex card.

wanted this guy to pay off her Amex card

But the question is, well, what does he get out of it.

But the question is well what does he get out of it

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Guilfoyle told him, if he paid her Amex bill,

Guilfoyle told him if he paid her Amex bill

quote, "I will be your Trump ride or die forever and ever."

quote I will be your Trump ride or die forever and ever

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Oh, Trump's ride or die, that's a good deal.

Oh Trump's ride or die that's a good deal

Everyone knows there's no closer

relationship than that of a man and his son's

incredibly loud ex-fiance.

incredibly loud ex-fiance

Now, maybe you're thinking, is it possible

Now maybe you're thinking is it possible

that Kimberly Guilfoyle was too stupid to understand

that this was wrong.

that this was wrong

And that is a reasonable thought.

And that is a reasonable thought

But judging by her other texts, she knew.

But judging by her other texts she knew

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

Guilfoyle began to express concerns

about their dealings becoming public

and sent him this message on Signal.

and sent him this message on Signal

"Eric, I really wish you would stop papering all these things.

Eric I really wish you would stop papering all these things

It's really dangerous and not helpful to you or me,

It's really dangerous and not helpful to you or me

while you could simply just call me on Signal.

while you could simply just call me on Signal

She added, "What a nightmare, you'll literally

She added What a nightmare you'll literally

cost me my ambassadorship.

cost me my ambassadorship

Stop writing." [END PLAYBACK]

Stop writing END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Oh, real criminal mastermind we got here.

Oh real criminal mastermind we got here

She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail.

She left a paper trail about not leaving a paper trail

Didn't help that she named the group chat,

Didn't help that she named the group chat

Paper Trail, parentheses, Crimes.

Paper Trail parentheses Crimes

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

She had a point though.

She had a point though

Why wouldn't this guy just call her on the phone?

Why wouldn't this guy just call her on the phone

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

The best is yet to come.

The best is yet to come

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Oh, yeah, right, I probably would have text her too.

Oh yeah right I probably would have text her too

So the question is, who was this donor that Kim was

So the question is who was this donor that Kim was

shaking down for Amex points?

shaking down for Amex points

I assume as Ambassador to Greece, the type of donor she's

I assume as Ambassador to Greece the type of donor she's

dealing with are shipping magnates or international art

dealers, people like that.

dealers people like that

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

The donor was a man named Eric Deters,

The donor was a man named Eric Deters

an attorney and former co-owner of the regional pizza chain,

an attorney and former co-owner of the regional pizza chain

Snappy Tomato Pizza.

Snappy Tomato Pizza

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Oh OK.

Oh OK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

So this thing goes all the way to the top--

So this thing goes all the way to the top-

of that regional Kentucky pizza chain.

of that regional Kentucky pizza chain

Seriously, what's a snappy tomato?

Seriously what's a snappy tomato

Sounds like a slur for an Italian guy with a bad temper.

Sounds like a slur for an Italian guy with a bad temper

Or should I just say an Italian guy?

Or should I just say an Italian guy

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

The Greeks, Italians-- we're going after everybody.

The Greeks Italians- we're going after everybody

Now, to be clear, Kimberly Guilfoyle wasn't the only one

Now to be clear Kimberly Guilfoyle wasn't the only one

asking for favors.

asking for favors

Mr. Tomato also had specific favors he wanted from her.

Mr Tomato also had specific favors he wanted from her

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

He wanted her to lobby on his behalf to the IRS commissioner

to help him resolve a tax dispute.

to help him resolve a tax dispute

Deters promised Guilfoyle as much as a $1 million

Deters promised Guilfoyle as much as a 1 million

if she was successful.

if she was successful

He also wanted her to help him get

on Tucker Carlson's podcast.

on Tucker Carlson's podcast

He wanted her to send a song he wrote to Kid Rock.

He wanted her to send a song he wrote to Kid Rock

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

He wanted her to send a song to Kid Rock?

He wanted her to send a song to Kid Rock

Trust me, you don't need to send a shitty song to Kid Rock.

Trust me you don't need to send a shitty song to Kid Rock

He has plenty at home.

He has plenty at home

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

Also, you don't need to bribe someone

Also you don't need to bribe someone

to get a song to Kid Rock.

to get a song to Kid Rock

Just strap a CD to a beer can and throw it into his yard.

Just strap a CD to a beer can and throw it into his yard

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

Obviously, I'm kidding, I don't know if the song is bad.

Obviously I'm kidding I don't know if the song is bad

OK.

But Deters did put it on YouTube.

But Deters did put it on YouTube

So let's hear it.

So let's hear it

[VIDEO PLAYBACK]

VIDEO PLAYBACK

[ROCK MUSIC]

ROCK MUSIC

MAN: (SINGING) He stands defiant as he

MAN: SINGING He stands defiant as he

takes the kicks of a mule.

takes the kicks of a mule

He stands alone.

He stands alone

He is hit and kicked from every side.

He is hit and kicked from every side

He gets knocked down again and again.

He gets knocked down again and again

He takes another beating.

He takes another beating

They'll hit you, kick you, and beat you down.

They'll hit you kick you and beat you down

And you'll finally hit the ground.

And you'll finally hit the ground

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Hey, don't laugh, don't laugh.

Hey don't laugh don't laugh

That was my wedding song.

That was my wedding song

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

All right.

All right

So as far as I can tell, this is a song about a guy who's

So as far as I can tell this is a song about a guy who's

gotten the shit kicked out of him so many times,

gotten the shit kicked out of him so many times

he forgot that he already sang several lines about getting

the shit kicked out of him.

the shit kicked out of him

And yeah, that song doesn't make any sense.

And yeah that song doesn't make any sense

But on the bright side, I will never listen to it again.

But on the bright side I will never listen to it again

But maybe the biggest twist in this whole scandal

is that the only reason we know about this scandal

is because pizza boy himself decided to go public, probably

is because pizza boy himself decided to go public probably

because he knew the entire arrangement was unethical,

because he knew the entire arrangement was unethical

unless it was something else. [VIDEO PLAYBACK]

unless it was something else VIDEO PLAYBACK

REPORTER (VOICEOVER): In a message last summer,

REPORTER VOICEOVER: In a message last summer

a frustrated Deters told Guilfoyle, quote, "I have paid

a frustrated Deters told Guilfoyle quote I have paid

you $300,000 over the years.

you 300000 over the years

As of this memo, I have not received one favor.

As of this memo I have not received one favor

I am not naive or a sucker.

I am not naive or a sucker

I need results."

I need results

You haven't got me on Tucker.

You haven't got me on Tucker

You haven't got me on a Fox interview.

You haven't got me on a Fox interview

You haven't done squat.

You haven't done squat

You didn't get Kid Rock the song

that I wrote that was called, The Kentucky Outlaw.

that I wrote that was called The Kentucky Outlaw

So you haven't done anything for me.

So you haven't done anything for me

[END PLAYBACK]

END PLAYBACK

Whew, that is one snappy tomato.

Whew that is one snappy tomato

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

AUDIENCE LAUGHING

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

Yeah.

Yeah

So, wait, this guy alerted the media

So wait this guy alerted the media

because he's mad that Guilfoyle didn't hold up her end

of the bribery bargain.

of the bribery bargain

I've never seen someone ask to speak to the manager

of corruption before.

of corruption before

Do you know who I am?

Do you know who I am

I wrote Kentucky Outlaw.

I wrote Kentucky Outlaw

So Kimberly Guilfoyle was apparently selling access

to the White House, which means the Trump administration's

to the White House which means the Trump administration's

corruption is so widespread, it runs the gamut

corruption is so widespread it runs the gamut

from the president getting a half a billion dollar

jet from Qatar, all the way down to an ambassador

jet from Qatar all the way down to an ambassador

getting her manicures paid off by Kentucky's

third best pizza chain.

third best pizza chain

Well, I guess the best is really yet to come.

Well I guess the best is really yet to come

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

AUDIENCE APPLAUDING

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MUSIC PLAYING

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