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[ROCK MUSIC]
ROCK
MUSIC
Rally around
Bubba, everybody.
Rally
around
Bubba
everybody
Headlines-- William
Jefferson Clinton
Headlines-
William
Jefferson
Clinton
weaseled his way back into
our good graces for four more
weaseled
his
way
back
into
our
good
graces
for
four
more
years of covering his ass.
years
of
covering
his
ass
President Busy Pants
is at it again.
President
Busy
Pants
is
at
it
again
A formal impeachment inquiry of
President Bill "We're Totally
A
formal
impeachment
inquiry
of
President
Bill
We're
Totally
Over You Now" Clinton.
Over
You
Now
Clinton
Craig Kilborn is
on assignment in Kuala Lumpur.
Craig
Kilborn
is
on
assignment
in
Kuala
Lumpur
I'm Jon Stewart.
I'm
Jon
Stewart
Kick in the Balkans '99.
Kick
in
the
Balkans
'99
Kosovo.
Kosovo
New Star Wars movie premieres.
New
Star
Wars
movie
premieres
Mars probe feared lost.
Mars
probe
feared
lost
Y2K begins.
Y2K
begins
Possible millennium-related
disaster.
Possible
millennium-related
disaster
Destruction of the Earth
through an act of God.
Destruction
of
the
Earth
through
an
act
of
God
Listen, if you're
gonna panic, panic right.
Listen
if
you're
gonna
panic
panic
right
Boris Yeltsin resigns.
Boris
Yeltsin
resigns
Harry Potter.
Harry
Potter
Lance Armstrong.
Lance
Armstrong
CORRESPONDENT: Sean
Puff Daddy Combs
CORRESPONDENT:
Sean
Puff
Daddy
Combs
claiming the Puffy moniker has
come to be associated with too
claiming
the
Puffy
moniker
has
come
to
be
associated
with
too
much negative publicity.
much
negative
publicity
JON STEWART: Indecision 2000.
JON
STEWART:
Indecision
2000
Steve Carell goes
on the campaign trail.
Steve
Carell
goes
on
the
campaign
trail
# Round and round,
round and round #
#
Round
and
round
round
and
round
#
# The wheels on the bus
go round and round #
#
The
wheels
on
the
bus
go
round
and
round
#
From the convention floor--
From
the
convention
floor-
Stephen, are you there?
Stephen
are
you
there
Yes John.
Yes
John
Jonny, it don't look good.
Jonny
it
don't
look
good
JON STEWART: No, Stephen.
JON
STEWART:
No
Stephen
The Florida recount continues.
The
Florida
recount
continues
Seasons change.
Seasons
change
Children are born.
Children
are
born
The aged pass silently.
The
aged
pass
silently
The state of Florida will
go to George W. Bush.
The
state
of
Florida
will
go
to
George
W
Bush
This is our first show since
the tragedy in New York City.
This
is
our
first
show
since
the
tragedy
in
New
York
City
The view from my apartment
was the World Trade Center.
The
view
from
my
apartment
was
the
World
Trade
Center
And now it's gone.
And
now
it's
gone
And they attacked it.
And
they
attacked
it
But you know what
the view is now?
But
you
know
what
the
view
is
now
The Statue of Liberty.
The
Statue
of
Liberty
[TAPPING PEN]
TAPPING
PEN
You can't beat that.
You
can't
beat
that
We honor this unique
moment in our history
We
honor
this
unique
moment
in
our
history
with our own presentation
of America Freaks Out.
with
our
own
presentation
of
America
Freaks
Out
Is it anthrax?
Is
it
anthrax
Guantanamo Bay.
Guantanamo
Bay
A color-coded threat
advisory system.
A
color-coded
threat
advisory
system
The little-known fact
about Afghanistan--
The
little-known
fact
about
Afghanistan-
although, to honest, before
we started bombing them,
although
to
honest
before
we
started
bombing
them
any fact about Afghanistan
was little known.
any
fact
about
Afghanistan
was
little
known
I swear, we should have
bombed them sooner.
I
swear
we
should
have
bombed
them
sooner
It's a fascinating country.
It's
a
fascinating
country
Iraq, or as it is more
accurately called these days,
Iraq
or
as
it
is
more
accurately
called
these
days
a Mess O' Potamia.
a
Mess
O'
Potamia
Yeah.
Yeah
I call upon all nations to do
everything they can to stop
I
call
upon
all
nations
to
do
everything
they
can
to
stop
these terrorist killers.
these
terrorist
killers
Now watch this drive.
Now
watch
this
drive
[LAUGHTER]
LAUGHTER
You were this close.
You
were
this
close
The recent sex scandals
plaguing the Catholic Church.
The
recent
sex
scandals
plaguing
the
Catholic
Church
They've come
to this conclusion--
They've
come
to
this
conclusion-
the sexual molestation
of children by priests is--
the
sexual
molestation
of
children
by
priests
is-
bad.
bad
CORRESPONDENT: Now to Enron.
CORRESPONDENT:
Now
to
Enron
The search for weapons
of mass destruction.
The
search
for
weapons
of
mass
destruction
Geraldo to leave Iraq.
Geraldo
to
leave
Iraq
Blackout of 2003.
Blackout
of
2003
[HISSING]
HISSING
Do you get it?
Do
you
get
it
Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Arnold
Schwarzenegger
Saddam Hussein captured.
Saddam
Hussein
captured
Justin was actually supposed
to get both breasts out.
Justin
was
actually
supposed
to
get
both
breasts
out
Michael Joe Jackson
formally indicted.
Michael
Joe
Jackson
formally
indicted
Indecision 2004.
Indecision
2004
# John Kerry
keeps on trying #
#
John
Kerry
keeps
on
trying
#
# Winter, spring,
summer, or fall #
#
Winter
spring
summer
or
fall
#
The situation
in Iraq, it's devolved
The
situation
in
Iraq
it's
devolved
into this kind of quagmire.
into
this
kind
of
quagmire
Well, that's
your opinion, but thank you.
Well
that's
your
opinion
but
thank
you
My question for you is--
My
question
for
you
is-
where the [BLEEP]
are you going?
where
the
BLEEP
are
you
going
Now we have
a legitimate win for the--
Now
we
have
a
legitimate
win
for
the-
don't you feel good
that the system works?
don't
you
feel
good
that
the
system
works
So today I want
to speak to every person
So
today
I
want
to
speak
to
every
person
who voted for my opponent.
who
voted
for
my
opponent
(IMITATING GEORGE
W. BUSH) You can run,
IMITATING
GEORGE
W
BUSH
You
can
run
but you can't hide.
but
you
can't
hide
[CACKLING] Brad
and Jen splitting up.
CACKLING
Brad
and
Jen
splitting
up
The Prince of Wales,
Camilla Parker Bowles.
The
Prince
of
Wales
Camilla
Parker
Bowles
The committee
subpoenaed Mark McGwire,
The
committee
subpoenaed
Mark
McGwire
Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, and
Shrinking Nuts McAngryPants.
Jose
Canseco
Sammy
Sosa
and
Shrinking
Nuts
McAngryPants
Say it ain't so,
Shrinking Nuts.
Say
it
ain't
so
Shrinking
Nuts
The Catholic
Church's 265th Pope,
The
Catholic
Church's
265th
Pope
Pope Benedict, the patron
saint of putting
Pope
Benedict
the
patron
saint
of
putting
hollandaise on poached eggs.
hollandaise
on
poached
eggs
Delicious Saint Benedict.
Delicious
Saint
Benedict
Hurricane Katrina
in New Orleans.
Hurricane
Katrina
in
New
Orleans
A war on Christmas.
A
war
on
Christmas
Waterboarding.
Waterboarding
Defense Secretary
Donald "Mm--Rumsfeld."
Defense
Secretary
Donald
Mm--Rumsfeld
Scooter Libby.
Scooter
Libby
Dick Cheney
accidentally shot a man,
Dick
Cheney
accidentally
shot
a
man
making Whittington the first
person shot by a sitting
making
Whittington
the
first
person
shot
by
a
sitting
veep since Alexander Hamilton.
veep
since
Alexander
Hamilton
Alexander Hamilton,
of course, was
Alexander
Hamilton
of
course
was
shot in a duel with
Aaron Burr over issues
shot
in
a
duel
with
Aaron
Burr
over
issues
of honor, integrity,
and political maneuvering.
of
honor
integrity
and
political
maneuvering
Whittington was
mistaken for a bird.
Whittington
was
mistaken
for
a
bird
Mel Gibson's drunken-- eh,
some say antisemitic DUI stuff.
Mel
Gibson's
drunken-
eh
some
say
antisemitic
DUI
stuff
If the world is off
track, OJ must come back.
If
the
world
is
off
track
OJ
must
come
back
The iPhone.
The
iPhone
My old thing that does all
that is very inconvenient.
My
old
thing
that
does
all
that
is
very
inconvenient
Cheney keeps several
man-sized safes in his office.
Cheney
keeps
several
man-sized
safes
in
his
office
Senator Craig, he gets
busted at the gay sex thing.
Senator
Craig
he
gets
busted
at
the
gay
sex
thing
Eliot Spitzer soliciting sexual
favors from a prostitute.
Eliot
Spitzer
soliciting
sexual
favors
from
a
prostitute
It was his Achilles heel--
It
was
his
Achilles
heel-
If Achilles' heel had
been on his penis.
If
Achilles'
heel
had
been
on
his
penis
[BLEEP]
BLEEP
JON STEWART: Indecision '08.
JON
STEWART:
Indecision
'08
[BLEEP]
BLEEP
Hillary Clinton, D New York,
and Barack Obama, "D-licious."
Hillary
Clinton
D
New
York
and
Barack
Obama
D-licious
Republican presidential
candidate, John McCain,
Republican
presidential
candidate
John
McCain
his running mate, Sarah Palin.
his
running
mate
Sarah
Palin
REPORTER: Tell me about
her qualifications.
REPORTER:
Tell
me
about
her
qualifications
One, she's a beautiful lady.
One
she's
a
beautiful
lady
ANNOUNCER: Democratic
tailgating.
ANNOUNCER:
Democratic
tailgating
MAN: Universal health care!
MAN:
Universal
health
care
JOHN OLIVER: --you, king
and queen of America!
JOHN
OLIVER:
-you
king
and
queen
of
America
At 11 o'clock
Eastern Standard Time,
At
11
o'clock
Eastern
Standard
Time
the president of the United
States is Barack Obama.
the
president
of
the
United
States
is
Barack
Obama
Our new segment,
The Economy & You.
Our
new
segment
The
Economy
You
Financial catastrophe--
the dollar
Financial
catastrophe-
the
dollar
worth less than
the Swiss Franc,
worth
less
than
the
Swiss
Franc
the Fed bailing out
troubled Wall Street firms.
the
Fed
bailing
out
troubled
Wall
Street
firms
How foreclosures
have skyrocketed.
How
foreclosures
have
skyrocketed
The largest bankruptcy
in American history--
The
largest
bankruptcy
in
American
history-
Lehman Brothers
collapsed after 158 years
Lehman
Brothers
collapsed
after
158
years
after leaving the business
in the hands of the youngest
after
leaving
the
business
in
the
hands
of
the
youngest
Lehman Brothers, Bongo.
Lehman
Brothers
Bongo
Rod Blagojevich.
Rod
Blagojevich
Bernie Madoff, a.k.a.
Bernie
Madoff
aka
Arthur Ponzarelli.
Arthur
Ponzarelli
Mark Sanford.
Mark
Sanford
Hiking the Appalachian Trail.
Hiking
the
Appalachian
Trail
So-called Tea Party protesters.
So-called
Tea
Party
protesters
President Barack
Obama's healthcare
President
Barack
Obama's
healthcare
reform bill became a law.
reform
bill
became
a
law
And that was-- oh.
And
that
was-
oh
[CHEERING]
CHEERING
We'll see who's cheering
in the (SINGSONGY) death camps.
We'll
see
who's
cheering
in
the
SINGSONGY
death
camps
LeBron James announced
where he's going
LeBron
James
announced
where
he's
going
to play "ba-SKET-ball."
to
play
ba-SKET-ball
Oil spill in the Gulf
of Mexico.
Oil
spill
in
the
Gulf
of
Mexico
The mosque at Ground Zero?
The
mosque
at
Ground
Zero
Wikileaks scandal,
Julian Assange.
Wikileaks
scandal
Julian
Assange
Not only did we kill bin Laden,
we killed him in Abbottabad?
Not
only
did
we
kill
bin
Laden
we
killed
him
in
Abbottabad
Abbottabad sounds like
the name most New Yorkers would
Abbottabad
sounds
like
the
name
most
New
Yorkers
would
have invented
for the fictional place
have
invented
for
the
fictional
place
they would have loved to kill.
they
would
have
loved
to
kill
I'll go to [BLEEP]
Abbottabad, and I'll shoot him
I'll
go
to
BLEEP
Abbottabad
and
I'll
shoot
him
in his "a-bada-bada-bingoes."
in
his
a-bada-bada-bingoes
You know what I'm
talking about?
You
know
what
I'm
talking
about
Boom.
Boom
A story about
a snapshot that appears
A
story
about
a
snapshot
that
appears
to be an ample helping
of penis, allegedly
to
be
an
ample
helping
of
penis
allegedly
posted by a congressman whose
name is a synonym for penis.
posted
by
a
congressman
whose
name
is
a
synonym
for
penis
Yet the [BLEEP] to eat
pizza with a fork.
Yet
the
BLEEP
to
eat
pizza
with
a
fork
Based on how you
eat pizza, Donald,
Based
on
how
you
eat
pizza
Donald
I want to see your long-form
birth certificate.
I
want
to
see
your
long-form
birth
certificate
I don't think you were
really born in New York.
I
don't
think
you
were
really
born
in
New
York
The ones on Wall Street
called Occupy Wall Street.
The
ones
on
Wall
Street
called
Occupy
Wall
Street
[BLEEP]
BLEEP
All right.
All
right
I guess that is what
democracy looks like.
I
guess
that
is
what
democracy
looks
like
Although, to be fair, it's
also what Bonnaroo looks like.
Although
to
be
fair
it's
also
what
Bonnaroo
looks
like
The mets first no-hitter.
The
mets
first
no-hitter
Just landed a robot
on [BLEEP] Mars.
Just
landed
a
robot
on
BLEEP
Mars
Hurricane Sandy.
Hurricane
Sandy
Indecision 2012.
Indecision
2012
Binder of women,
book of broads,
Binder
of
women
book
of
broads
notebook of nipples whatever.
notebook
of
nipples
whatever
I'm on the convention
floor, Jon.
I'm
on
the
convention
floor
Jon
Barack Obama doesn't
care about Black people.
Barack
Obama
doesn't
care
about
Black
people
JON STEWART:
Yelling at a chair.
JON
STEWART:
Yelling
at
a
chair
I am literally 10 feet away
from the convention center
I
am
literally
10
feet
away
from
the
convention
center
when they told me to go
back the other way.
when
they
told
me
to
go
back
the
other
way
I ran into another
[BLEEP] barricade!
I
ran
into
another
BLEEP
barricade
We are projecting Barack
Obama is the president
We
are
projecting
Barack
Obama
is
the
president
of the United States.
of
the
United
States
War on Christmas!
War
on
Christmas
Benghazi.
Benghazi
Holy quit.
Holy
quit
JOHN OLIVER: Anthony Weiner's
campaign is in danger.
JOHN
OLIVER:
Anthony
Weiner's
campaign
is
in
danger
It's in Carlos Danger.
It's
in
Carlos
Danger
# Danger, danger #
#
Danger
danger
#
JON STEWART: Lance
Armstrong was doping.
JON
STEWART:
Lance
Armstrong
was
doping
Well, I think we all
owe cancer an apology.
Well
I
think
we
all
owe
cancer
an
apology
Crimean War 2,
Ukrainian Boogaloo.
Crimean
War
2
Ukrainian
Boogaloo
ISIS, not to be confused with
their early '90s incarnation,
ISIS
not
to
be
confused
with
their
early
'90s
incarnation
Vanilla ISIS.
Vanilla
ISIS
We'll start tonight in the
Middle East, where Israel--
We'll
start
tonight
in
the
Middle
East
where
Israel-
What?
What
Israel isn't supposed
to defend itself?
Israel
isn't
supposed
to
defend
itself
If Mexico bombed
Texas, will we exercise--
If
Mexico
bombed
Texas
will
we
exercise-
What other country is held
to the same standard as Israel?
What
other
country
is
held
to
the
same
standard
as
Israel
--people that want
to destroy are terrorists?
-people
that
want
to
destroy
are
terrorists
What is the matter with you?
What
is
the
matter
with
you
The only democracy
in the Middle East--
The
only
democracy
in
the
Middle
East-
[LOUD VOICES]
LOUD
VOICES
Self-hating Jew!
Self-hating
Jew
Nuclear deal with Iran.
Nuclear
deal
with
Iran
The missing Malaysia
Airlines flight.
The
missing
Malaysia
Airlines
flight
So Tom Brady in all
of Deflategate.
So
Tom
Brady
in
all
of
Deflategate
Daily Show Ebola update
brought to you by Arby's.
Daily
Show
Ebola
update
brought
to
you
by
Arby's
Arby's, see, a lot
of things cause diarrhea?
Arby's
see
a
lot
of
things
cause
diarrhea
Supreme Court decisions
supporting marriage equality.
Supreme
Court
decisions
supporting
marriage
equality
Traditionally
victimized communities
Traditionally
victimized
communities
granted the legal dignity that
had been denied them so many
granted
the
legal
dignity
that
had
been
denied
them
so
many
years, truly a moment of joy.
years
truly
a
moment
of
joy
I didn't do my job today.
I
didn't
do
my
job
today
I honestly have nothing
other than just sadness.
I
honestly
have
nothing
other
than
just
sadness
Once again, nine people
were shot in a Black church
Once
again
nine
people
were
shot
in
a
Black
church
by a white guy who hated
them, who wanted to start
by
a
white
guy
who
hated
them
who
wanted
to
start
some kind of Civil War.
some
kind
of
Civil
War
The Confederate flag
flies over South Carolina,
The
Confederate
flag
flies
over
South
Carolina
and the roads are named
for Confederate generals.
and
the
roads
are
named
for
Confederate
generals
And the white guy's the one
who feels like his country
And
the
white
guy's
the
one
who
feels
like
his
country
is being taken away from him.
is
being
taken
away
from
him
We're bringing it on ourselves.
We're
bringing
it
on
ourselves
Democalypse 2016,
a billionaire vanity
Democalypse
2016
a
billionaire
vanity
candidate taking the escalator
to the White House.
candidate
taking
the
escalator
to
the
White
House
Hey, only losers walk.
Hey
only
losers
walk
Presidents take Air Force One.
Presidents
take
Air
Force
One
Her personal email
was, don't tell
Her
personal
email
was
don't
tell
anyone about this
account@secret/
anyone
about
this
accountsecret/
shhh.definitely.gov.
shhhdefinitelygov
Hey Trevor.
Hey
Trevor
Could you give me, like,
20 more minutes and then--
Could
you
give
me
like
20
more
minutes
and
then-
Oh.
Oh
- But it's going to be--
- Just real quick.
But
it's
going
to
be-
Just
real
quick
Oh sure.
Oh
sure
Yeah, that's just--
Yeah
that's
just-
- Good job, man.
- Thank you, brother.
Good
job
man
Thank
you
brother
TREVOR: He gets caught
on the tape boasting
TREVOR:
He
gets
caught
on
the
tape
boasting
about sexual assault.
For me as an African,
about
sexual
assault
For
me
as
an
African
there's just something
familiar about Trump
there's
just
something
familiar
about
Trump
that makes me feel at home.
that
makes
me
feel
at
home
What I'm trying
to say is Donald Trump
What
I'm
trying
to
say
is
Donald
Trump
is America's first
African president.
is
America's
first
African
president
The best [BLEEP]
news team in town.
The
best
BLEEP
news
team
in
town
I don't know who
this Hassan is,
I
don't
know
who
this
Hassan
is
but he sounds a little
too Muslim to be
but
he
sounds
a
little
too
Muslim
to
be
safe at a Trump convention.
safe
at
a
Trump
convention
ROY: Everybody want me
to be their Black friend.
ROY:
Everybody
want
me
to
be
their
Black
friend
I had to start a wait list.
I
had
to
start
a
wait
list
JORDAN: Hassan and I
teamed up to help
JORDAN:
Hassan
and
I
teamed
up
to
help
prevent Democrats
from repeating
prevent
Democrats
from
repeating
their electronic mistakes.
their
electronic
mistakes
Let me get it with--
Let
me
get
it
with-
Sure.
Sure
ANNOUNCER: Election Night 2016.
ANNOUNCER:
Election
Night
2016
No no.
No
no
Please no.
Oh God.
Please
no
Oh
God
No!
No
No!
No
Fighting over how
big his crowd was.
Fighting
over
how
big
his
crowd
was
Putting his so-called
Muslim ban into effect.
Putting
his
so-called
Muslim
ban
into
effect
Trump fired the FBI director.
Trump
fired
the
FBI
director
If he's gone, who's
going to investigate
If
he's
gone
who's
going
to
investigate
Russia's ties to-- oh.
Russia's
ties
to-
oh
People were searching
covfefe on the internet
People
were
searching
covfefe
on
the
internet
like it was a Kim
Kardashian nude.
like
it
was
a
Kim
Kardashian
nude
Very fine people
on both sides.
Very
fine
people
on
both
sides
Robert Mueller.
Robert
Mueller
OJ's finally free.
OJ's
finally
free
Colum Kaepernick.
Colum
Kaepernick
Use Tide Pods
for washing, not eating.
Use
Tide
Pods
for
washing
not
eating
Do not eat.
Do
not
eat
It looks like he's
trying to convince himself.
It
looks
like
he's
trying
to
convince
himself
North Korea
and the United States
North
Korea
and
the
United
States
meeting for the first
time ever.
meeting
for
the
first
time
ever
Bill Cosby, guilty.
Bill
Cosby
guilty
Stormy Daniels.
Stormy
Daniels
Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffrey
Epstein
The 45th president of the
United States got impeached.
The
45th
president
of
the
United
States
got
impeached
Robert Mueller spent
two years investigating
Robert
Mueller
spent
two
years
investigating
obstruction of justice.
obstruction
of
justice
And his conclusion
is, I don't know.
And
his
conclusion
is
I
don't
know
What do you guys think?
What
do
you
guys
think
The Fyre Festival.
The
Fyre
Festival
Jussie Smollett.
Jussie
Smollett
The Game of Thrones finale.
The
Game
of
Thrones
finale
Let's kick it off
with the coronavirus
Let's
kick
it
off
with
the
coronavirus
in our ongoing segment,
Is This How We Die?
in
our
ongoing
segment
Is
This
How
We
Die
Trevor Noah here
at home, which is where
Trevor
Noah
here
at
home
which
is
where
you should all be as well.
you
should
all
be
as
well
We don't know when we're going
to go back to the studio.
We
don't
know
when
we're
going
to
go
back
to
the
studio
Coronavirus has changed
everybody's lives.
Coronavirus
has
changed
everybody's
lives
# Imagine all the people #
#
Imagine
all
the
people
#
MAN: Shut the [BLEEP] up!
MAN:
Shut
the
BLEEP
up
After the murder
of George Floyd,
After
the
murder
of
George
Floyd
Black Lives Matter has
become the phrase that people
Black
Lives
Matter
has
become
the
phrase
that
people
admit needs to be said.
admit
needs
to
be
said
If you are a Black
person or a minority,
If
you
are
a
Black
person
or
a
minority
you understand what it means to
be a target of the police and
you
understand
what
it
means
to
be
a
target
of
the
police
and
a target of a system that
is designed to keep you down
a
target
of
a
system
that
is
designed
to
keep
you
down
with violence if necessary.
with
violence
if
necessary
So this is movement.
So
this
is
movement
This is progress
in the right direction.
This
is
progress
in
the
right
direction
I understand the symbolic
gesture of kneeling
I
understand
the
symbolic
gesture
of
kneeling
to remember George Floyd.
to
remember
George
Floyd
What I don't understand is why
they had to dress like extras
What
I
don't
understand
is
why
they
had
to
dress
like
extras
from Coming to America 2.
from
Coming
to
America
2
Breonna Taylor.
Breonna
Taylor
Harvey Weinstein
is going to prison.
Harvey
Weinstein
is
going
to
prison
The passing of Ruth
Bader Ginsburg.
The
passing
of
Ruth
Bader
Ginsburg
Tiger King.
Tiger
King
Votegasm 2020.
Votegasm
2020
Donald J. Trump is
battling COVID-19.
Donald
J
Trump
is
battling
COVID-19
Joseph Rihanna Biden was
declared the 46th president
Joseph
Rihanna
Biden
was
declared
the
46th
president
of the United States.
of
the
United
States
You can tell these
people really love America
You
can
tell
these
people
really
love
America
by the number
of weapons they brought
by
the
number
of
weapons
they
brought
to hurt other Americans.
to
hurt
other
Americans
TREVOR: Trump to face
a second impeachment trial.
TREVOR:
Trump
to
face
a
second
impeachment
trial
Trump over there getting
impeached more times
Trump
over
there
getting
impeached
more
times
than Mike Pence has had sex.
than
Mike
Pence
has
had
sex
I see you, player.
I
see
you
player
America approved the vaccine.
America
approved
the
vaccine
You realize that
this time next week,
You
realize
that
this
time
next
week
we're all going to be
back in the club,
we're
all
going
to
be
back
in
the
club
like shots, shots, shots,
shots, shots, shots in my
like
shots
shots
shots
shots
shots
shots
in
my
arm please.
arm
please
Afghanistan, America
pulled out of the country,
Afghanistan
America
pulled
out
of
the
country
the only thing harder to get
out of than a gym membership.
the
only
thing
harder
to
get
out
of
than
a
gym
membership
Russia's invasion of Ukraine.
Russia's
invasion
of
Ukraine
He is Kanye no more.
He
is
Kanye
no
more
From now on, simply Ye.
From
now
on
simply
Ye
Will Smith introduced his
hand to Chris Rock's face.
Will
Smith
introduced
his
hand
to
Chris
Rock's
face
Elon Musk and Twitter.
Elon
Musk
and
Twitter
The Supreme Court
overturned Roe v. Wade.
The
Supreme
Court
overturned
Roe
v
Wade
FBI raided Donald Trump's
house in Mar-a-Lago.
FBI
raided
Donald
Trump's
house
in
Mar-a-Lago
Queen Elizabeth II
passed away today.
Queen
Elizabeth
II
passed
away
today
My thoughts are
with the queen,
My
thoughts
are
with
the
queen
and I pray that law
enforcement finds her killer.
and
I
pray
that
law
enforcement
finds
her
killer
Trump arraignment day.
Trump
arraignment
day
Look at how sad Trump looks.
Look
at
how
sad
Trump
looks
My man looked like somebody
told him his dog died
My
man
looked
like
somebody
told
him
his
dog
died
or that Mike Pence
is still alive.
or
that
Mike
Pence
is
still
alive
Israel-Palestine, what do I
know about the Middle East?
Israel-Palestine
what
do
I
know
about
the
Middle
East
I'm from the Middle West.
I'm
from
the
Middle
West
JORDAN: Indecision 2024.
JORDAN:
Indecision
2024
The first criminal trial of
a former president has begun.
The
first
criminal
trial
of
a
former
president
has
begun
Imagine committing
so many crimes,
Imagine
committing
so
many
crimes
you get bored
at your own trial.
you
get
bored
at
your
own
trial
We just witnessed a debate
between President Joseph
We
just
witnessed
a
debate
between
President
Joseph
Robinette Biden versus
former President
Robinette
Biden
versus
former
President
Donald Robinette Trump.
Donald
Robinette
Trump
This cannot be real life.
This
cannot
be
real
life
It just can't.
It
just
can't
[BLEEP] We're America.
BLEEP
We're
America
God!
God
The attempted assassination of
Donald Trump over the weekend--
The
attempted
assassination
of
Donald
Trump
over
the
weekend-
When shit hits the fan
in this country,
When
shit
hits
the
fan
in
this
country
the internet is a great
source of information.
the
internet
is
a
great
source
of
information
Kamala Harris now the
presumptive Democratic nominee.
Kamala
Harris
now
the
presumptive
Democratic
nominee
Democrats have
gone from the despair
Democrats
have
gone
from
the
despair
of a certain Trump
presidency to the joy
of
a
certain
Trump
presidency
to
the
joy
of a statistical tie.
of
a
statistical
tie
DESI: Do you think Democrats
might have any regrets?
DESI:
Do
you
think
Democrats
might
have
any
regrets
No.
No
Oh.
Oh
That's a little
electric there.
That's
a
little
electric
there
Woo!
Woo
The Democrats need
to stop adopting
The
Democrats
need
to
stop
adopting
this Republican fiction
that American values
this
Republican
fiction
that
American
values
only exist in small towns.
only
exist
in
small
towns
We're all godless heathens
with no values and bedbugs, OK?
We're
all
godless
heathens
with
no
values
and
bedbugs
OK
ANNOUNCER: Election
Night in America, Nothing
ANNOUNCER:
Election
Night
in
America
Nothing
We Can Do About It Now.
We
Can
Do
About
It
Now
DESI: It's official.
DESI:
It's
official
America has elected its
first criminal president
America
has
elected
its
first
criminal
president
before electing its
first female president.
before
electing
its
first
female
president
Luigi Mangione.
Luigi
Mangione
The Los Angeles wildfires.
The
Los
Angeles
wildfires
Those astronauts were
gone a long, long time.
Those
astronauts
were
gone
a
long
long
time
The first American pope.
The
first
American
pope
It's a little bit weird that
the holiest man in the world
It's
a
little
bit
weird
that
the
holiest
man
in
the
world
probably knows all the words
to the Chili's baby
probably
knows
all
the
words
to
the
Chili's
baby
back ribs song.
back
ribs
song
Trump met with
Putin in Alaska.
Trump
met
with
Putin
in
Alaska
Taylor got engaged.
Taylor
got
engaged
Tearing apart
the entire East Wing.
Tearing
apart
the
entire
East
Wing
Zohran Mamdani elected
as sultan of the People's
Zohran
Mamdani
elected
as
sultan
of
the
People's
Republic of Al Newyorkistan.
Republic
of
Al
Newyorkistan
JOSH: Why was Jeffrey Epstein
writing about his crimes
JOSH:
Why
was
Jeffrey
Epstein
writing
about
his
crimes
in emails?
in
emails
Hey girl.
Hey
girl
Following up about
the sex crimes.
Following
up
about
the
sex
crimes
Hit me up if you want
sex crimes this weekend.
Hit
me
up
if
you
want
sex
crimes
this
weekend
The National Guard is going
into every American city.
The
National
Guard
is
going
into
every
American
city
REPORTER: Another American
has been tragically killed
REPORTER:
Another
American
has
been
tragically
killed
on the streets of Minneapolis.
on
the
streets
of
Minneapolis
Some people see a peaceful
protester getting murdered,
Some
people
see
a
peaceful
protester
getting
murdered
and other people are fascists.
and
other
people
are
fascists
I did not see this
Venezuela thing coming.
I
did
not
see
this
Venezuela
thing
coming
And I read the news every day.
And
I
read
the
news
every
day
So a lesson here is
reading is pointless.
So
a
lesson
here
is
reading
is
pointless
JON: American
and Israel launched
JON:
American
and
Israel
launched
a surprise war against Iran.
a
surprise
war
against
Iran
I've missed you, Mesopotamia.
I've
missed
you
Mesopotamia
Our mayor is Muslim.
Our
mayor
is
Muslim
Our bagels are Jewish.
Our
bagels
are
Jewish
Our timothée Chalamet,
Knicks in five.
Our
timothée
Chalamet
Knicks
in
five
America's big
birthday bash, and
America's
big
birthday
bash
and
President Trump is
celebrating with a UFC fight
President
Trump
is
celebrating
with
a
UFC
fight
at the White House.
at
the
White
House
The regular people
in this country
The
regular
people
in
this
country
want their president
to live in a slightly
want
their
president
to
live
in
a
slightly
more violent Hooters
or a slightly
more
violent
Hooters
or
a
slightly
less violent Waffle House.
less
violent
Waffle
House
You guys all coming out here to
spend some time with us truly
You
guys
all
coming
out
here
to
spend
some
time
with
us
truly
makes us feel like we
got a community of people
makes
us
feel
like
we
got
a
community
of
people
that maybe we can
hopefully feel like, OK,
that
maybe
we
can
hopefully
feel
like
OK
we're not all going crazy.
we're
not
all
going
crazy
So let's get the damn
show started.
So
let's
get
the
damn
show
started
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