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Thank you one and all. Welcome, welcome
Thank
you
one
and
all
Welcome
welcome
ladies and gentlemen to the late show.
ladies
and
gentlemen
to
the
late
show
I'm your host Steven Colbear. Ladies and
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbear
Ladies
and
gentlemen [cheering]
gentlemen
cheering
[applause]
applause
well, it it is a rainy night here in New
well
it
it
is
a
rainy
night
here
in
New
York. Okay, enough of that. Let's talk
York
Okay
enough
of
that
Let's
talk
about Christy Gnome getting fired.
about
Christy
Gnome
getting
fired
[cheering]
cheering
Yeah, she's out. She's gone.
Yeah
she's
out
She's
gone
Her fault for standing so close to that
Her
fault
for
standing
so
close
to
that
gravel pit.
gravel
pit
It is too It's too soon to know exactly
It
is
too
It's
too
soon
to
know
exactly
why Christy Gnome is gone. Before we
why
Christy
Gnome
is
gone
Before
we
find out any more information about what
find
out
any
more
information
about
what
happened, I just want to say with
happened
I
just
want
to
say
with
absolute certainty, she is a domestic
absolute
certainty
she
is
a
domestic
terrorist who deserves to go to Gitmo.
terrorist
who
deserves
to
go
to
Gitmo
[cheering]
cheering
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am
I'm
sorry
I'm
sorry
I'm
sorry
I
am
being told that is not true. But you
being
told
that
is
not
true
But
you
know what? I acted on the information we
know
what
I
acted
on
the
information
we
had at the time.
had
at
the
time
The news came
The
news
came
The [cheering] news came
The
cheering
news
came
[applause]
applause
>> news came as no surprise to Gnome, or if
>>
news
came
as
no
surprise
to
Gnome
or
if
it did, her face was incapable of
it
did
her
face
was
incapable
of
showing it.
showing
it
Trump made the announcement as usual on
Trump
made
the
announcement
as
usual
on
social media. first saying he was
social
media
first
saying
he
was
nominating a new head of DHS, then
nominating
a
new
head
of
DHS
then
adding, "The current secretary, Christy
adding
The
current
secretary
Christy
Gnome, who has served us well, will be
Gnome
who
has
served
us
well
will
be
moving to be special envoy for the
moving
to
be
special
envoy
for
the
Shield of the Americas, our new security
Shield
of
the
Americas
our
new
security
initiative in the Western Hemisphere.
initiative
in
the
Western
Hemisphere
[laughter]
laughter
Sounds like someone's about to become
Sounds
like
someone's
about
to
become
the FIFA Secretary of Homeland
the
FIFA
Secretary
of
Homeland
Security." [cheering]
Security
cheering
Well [applause]
Well
applause
that's pretty
that's
pretty
[cheering] up there. Yeah.
cheering
up
there
Yeah
Well, at least Gnome can fall back on
Well
at
least
Gnome
can
fall
back
on
all her other jobs. Cowboy,
all
her
other
jobs
Cowboy
soldier, and village crone, who tells
soldier
and
village
crone
who
tells
you exactly when you'll die.
you
exactly
when
you'll
die
[applause and cheering]
applause
and
cheering
Shouldn't have touched her raven.
Shouldn't
have
touched
her
raven
Gnome didn't seem to have a lot of fans
Gnome
didn't
seem
to
have
a
lot
of
fans
in the administration. When reached for
in
the
administration
When
reached
for
comment uh about her getting kicked to
comment
uh
about
her
getting
kicked
to
the curb, one White House insider simply
the
curb
one
White
House
insider
simply
said "Hallelujah."
said
Hallelujah
[cheering]
cheering
Is it good? Is that good?
Is
it
good
Is
that
good
Is that a good sign? [applause]
Is
that
a
good
sign
applause
It's a bit of a tell when your
It's
a
bit
of
a
tell
when
your
co-workers celebrate your firing. Hey
co-workers
celebrate
your
firing
Hey
Shaina, we know it's your last day, so
Shaina
we
know
it's
your
last
day
so
we got you a sheetcake. I know it looks
we
got
you
a
sheetcake
I
know
it
looks
like a regular cake, but I promise you
like
a
regular
cake
but
I
promise
you
you'll taste the sheet. [laughter]
you'll
taste
the
sheet
laughter
Trump's choice uh to replace Gnome is
Trump's
choice
uh
to
replace
Gnome
is
Senator Mark Wayne Mullen. But why? You
Senator
Mark
Wayne
Mullen
But
why
You
don't know anything about him.
don't
know
anything
about
him
Save it later for when you can enjoy it.
Save
it
later
for
when
you
can
enjoy
it
But why Mark Wayne and why Mark now?
But
why
Mark
Wayne
and
why
Mark
now
Well, it's just as dumb as you could
Well
it's
just
as
dumb
as
you
could
possibly imagine. Insiders say that
possibly
imagine
Insiders
say
that
Trump loves watching Senator Mullen on
Trump
loves
watching
Senator
Mullen
on
TV. Yeah, apparently it came down to
TV
Yeah
apparently
it
came
down
to
either Mark Wayne Mullen or the Liu Emu
either
Mark
Wayne
Mullen
or
the
Liu
Emu
who admittedly would have worked hard to
who
admittedly
would
have
worked
hard
to
protect our liberty biome
protect
our
liberty
biome
[laughter]
laughter
did not look good. [applause]
did
not
look
good
applause
Look very good. Wow. Gnome did not look
Look
very
good
Wow
Gnome
did
not
look
great on the TV this week. She testified
great
on
the
TV
this
week
She
testified
was it the Senate first? She testified
was
it
the
Senate
first
She
testified
in the Senate and was asked by Louisiana
in
the
Senate
and
was
asked
by
Louisiana
Senator Kennedy about a series of
Senator
Kennedy
about
a
series
of
extremely expensive TV ads featuring her
extremely
expensive
TV
ads
featuring
her
and she passed the blame on to
and
she
passed
the
blame
on
to
definitely the wrong guy.
definitely
the
wrong
guy
>> The president approved ahead of time you
>>
The
president
approved
ahead
of
time
you
spending
spending
$220 million
220
million
running TV ads across the country in
running
TV
ads
across
the
country
in
which you are featured prominently.
which
you
are
featured
prominently
>> Yes, sir. We went through the legal
>>
Yes
sir
We
went
through
the
legal
processes. Did it correctly?
processes
Did
it
correctly
>> Did the president know do this? Yes,
>>
Did
the
president
know
do
this
Yes
>> he did.
>>
he
did
>> Mhm. Yes.
>>
Mhm
Yes
>> No,
>>
No
don't ever blame anything on Donald
don't
ever
blame
anything
on
Donald
Trump. Ladies and gentlemen, it has come
Trump
Ladies
and
gentlemen
it
has
come
to my attention that Christy Gnome is
to
my
attention
that
Christy
Gnome
is
just days away from developing a nuclear
just
days
away
from
developing
a
nuclear
weapon.
weapon
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
We have no choice but to strike and
We
have
no
choice
but
to
strike
and
strike hard.
strike
hard
over in the house. Uh she also testified
over
in
the
house
Uh
she
also
testified
and when she was there things got a
and
when
she
was
there
things
got
a
little bit spicy because see Gnome and
little
bit
spicy
because
see
Gnome
and
her top adviser Corey Luwendowski are
her
top
adviser
Corey
Luwendowski
are
rumored to be romantically bonan. Now
rumored
to
be
romantically
bonan
Now
California see that's better. That's
California
see
that's
better
That's
nice. Thank you. California
nice
Thank
you
California
representative Sydney Cam Logger asked
representative
Sydney
Cam
Logger
asked
Gnome about that but not exactly those
Gnome
about
that
but
not
exactly
those
words. Secretary Gnome, at any time
words
Secretary
Gnome
at
any
time
during your tenure as director of
during
your
tenure
as
director
of
Department of Homeland Security, have
Department
of
Homeland
Security
have
you had sexual relations with Corey
you
had
sexual
relations
with
Corey
Lwendowski?
Lwendowski
>> Mr. Chairman, I am shocked that we're
>>
Mr
Chairman
I
am
shocked
that
we're
going down and pedalling tabloid garbage
going
down
and
pedalling
tabloid
garbage
in this committee today.
in
this
committee
today
>> I'm going to put you down for yes,
>>
I'm
going
to
put
you
down
for
yes
just for now. Just for now.
just
for
now
Just
for
now
[cheering and applause]
cheering
and
applause
>> Yes. There's a check. There's a check
>>
Yes
There's
a
check
There's
a
check
there. Oh, I don't have any paper. I
there
Oh
I
don't
have
any
paper
I
don't know how to feel.
don't
know
how
to
feel
>> The drama
>>
The
drama
continued.
continued
>> Reclaiming
>>
Reclaiming
>> ma'am, one thing that I would tell you
>>
ma'am
one
thing
that
I
would
tell
you
is that he is a special government
is
that
he
is
a
special
government
employee who works for the White House.
employee
who
works
for
the
White
House
There are thousands of them in the
There
are
thousands
of
them
in
the
federal government.
federal
government
>> Oh my god. She's had sex with thousands
>>
Oh
my
god
She's
had
sex
with
thousands
of government employees.
of
government
employees
Wow. That [applause and cheering]
Wow
That
applause
and
cheering
that is special.
that
is
special
Uh back over in the Senate, uh Tom
Uh
back
over
in
the
Senate
uh
Tom
Tillis uh also questioned Gnome's
Tillis
uh
also
questioned
Gnome's
character by bringing up a painful
character
by
bringing
up
a
painful
memory from the past. Secretary,
memory
from
the
past
Secretary
I read your book last week. Some of it
I
read
your
book
last
week
Some
of
it
distresses me, and I'll give you a good
distresses
me
and
I'll
give
you
a
good
example of one that does. The passage
example
of
one
that
does
The
passage
where you talk about killing a dog that
where
you
talk
about
killing
a
dog
that
was 14 months old. You should know
was
14
months
old
You
should
know
better. A 14-month-old dog is basically
better
A
14-month-old
dog
is
basically
a teenager in dog years. You decided to
a
teenager
in
dog
years
You
decided
to
kill that dog. You killed a goat. You
kill
that
dog
You
killed
a
goat
You
killed a goat to catch the dog. You
killed
a
goat
to
catch
the
dog
You
killed the dog to catch the cat. You
killed
the
dog
to
catch
the
cat
You
killed the cat to catch the bird. You
killed
the
cat
to
catch
the
bird
You
killed the bird to catch the fly. I
killed
the
bird
to
catch
the
fly
I
don't know why you swallowed the fly.
don't
know
why
you
swallowed
the
fly
Did you have sex with Cory Luwendowski?
Did
you
have
sex
with
Cory
Luwendowski
Answer [cheering] the question. Senator,
Answer
cheering
the
question
Senator
[applause] very nice. Very nice. Thank
applause
very
nice
Very
nice
Thank
you. Thank you for the clap. Gnome will
you
Thank
you
for
the
clap
Gnome
will
be completely forgotten. But if she's
be
completely
forgotten
But
if
she's
remembered for anything, it's what a
remembered
for
anything
it's
what
a
catastrophe ICE is under her leadership.
catastrophe
ICE
is
under
her
leadership
They're undisiplined. They're
They're
undisiplined
They're
illtrained. They're violent. And we're
illtrained
They're
violent
And
we're
learning how they got that way. Because
learning
how
they
got
that
way
Because
last week, a whistleblower testified to
last
week
a
whistleblower
testified
to
Congress about ICE's minimal training.
Congress
about
ICE's
minimal
training
That whistleblower's name, Ryan Schwank.
That
whistleblower's
name
Ryan
Schwank
Sir, a grateful nationw.
Sir
a
grateful
nationw
[applause]
applause
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
>> But sometimes ICE is also a little bit
>>
But
sometimes
ICE
is
also
a
little
bit
funny. According to a recent report, ICE
funny
According
to
a
recent
report
ICE
agents keep accidentally shooting
agents
keep
accidentally
shooting
themselves.
themselves
Just to be clear, everyone's okay. And
Just
to
be
clear
everyone's
okay
And
I'm not going to laugh at it. Instead,
I'm
not
going
to
laugh
at
it
Instead
I'll laugh at THIS
I'll
laugh
at
THIS
>> NOW. [applause]
>>
NOW
applause
never gets old.
never
gets
old
>> On a loop, right on a loop. AIDS cannot
>>
On
a
loop
right
on
a
loop
AIDS
cannot
wither nor custom stale. Reportedly, the
wither
nor
custom
stale
Reportedly
the
agents in question accidentally shot
agents
in
question
accidentally
shot
themselves in the leg during routine
themselves
in
the
leg
during
routine
training exercises. That exercise, how
training
exercises
That
exercise
how
not to shoot yourself in the leg.
not
to
shoot
yourself
in
the
leg
[laughter]
laughter
Uh, it's some guns. It's some with guns.
Uh
it's
some
guns
It's
some
with
guns
not all guns cuz there was also an
not
all
guns
cuz
there
was
also
an
accidental taser discharge inside an ICE
accidental
taser
discharge
inside
an
ICE
office which led former ICE officials to
office
which
led
former
ICE
officials
to
explain that accidental discharges are
explain
that
accidental
discharges
are
not uncommon and often involve
not
uncommon
and
often
involve
experienced agents rather than new
experienced
agents
rather
than
new
hires. Oh, okay. And is this true? I'm
hires
Oh
okay
And
is
this
true
I'm
told we have a recording of one of those
told
we
have
a
recording
of
one
of
those
officials talking to reporters.
officials
talking
to
reporters
>> Oh, yeah. These accidental discharges
>>
Oh
yeah
These
accidental
discharges
happen ALL THE TIME.
happen
ALL
THE
TIME
>> AH, [screaming] MY LEGS. AH, MY BALLS.
>>
AH
screaming
MY
LEGS
AH
MY
BALLS
>> HEY, GARY. YOU'LL my leg. [screaming]
>>
HEY
GARY
YOU'LL
my
leg
screaming
Oh, Gary's balls.
Oh
Gary's
balls
You know, poor Gary. You know,
You
know
poor
Gary
You
know
[laughter]
laughter
you know, folks, you know which cabinet
you
know
folks
you
know
which
cabinet
member I hope Trump fires next? All of
member
I
hope
Trump
fires
next
All
of
them. But
them
But
if I had to pick one, [cheering]
if
I
had
to
pick
one
cheering
[applause] clean slate, sweep it. But if
applause
clean
slate
sweep
it
But
if
I had to pick one, it would be HHS
I
had
to
pick
one
it
would
be
HHS
Secretary RFK Jr. And that might happen.
Secretary
RFK
Jr
And
that
might
happen
[applause] That
applause
That
All right, that's nice. Some RFK Junior
All
right
that's
nice
Some
RFK
Junior
fans here tonight. And that might happen
fans
here
tonight
And
that
might
happen
because Junior just pissed off the wrong
because
Junior
just
pissed
off
the
wrong
people. You see, see, Bobb's been
people
You
see
see
Bobb's
been
pedalling his Maha Madness. And he said
pedalling
his
Maha
Madness
And
he
said
he wants Dunkin Donuts to prove drinking
he
wants
Dunkin
Donuts
to
prove
drinking
its iced coffee is safe. Who cares if
its
iced
coffee
is
safe
Who
cares
if
it's safe? [laughter]
it's
safe
laughter
If I wanted a safe morning beverage, I'd
If
I
wanted
a
safe
morning
beverage
I'd
drink tea. You know it slogan tea water
drink
tea
You
know
it
slogan
tea
water
that makes you thirsty
that
makes
you
thirsty
recently [applause]
recently
applause
there.
there
[applause] Is that right?
applause
Is
that
right
Recently Mr. Junior was at a rally in
Recently
Mr
Junior
was
at
a
rally
in
Texas when he said this. We're gonna ask
Texas
when
he
said
this
We're
gonna
ask
uh Dunkin' Donuts in Starbucks,
uh
Dunkin'
Donuts
in
Starbucks
show us the safety data that show that
show
us
the
safety
data
that
show
that
it's okay to for a teenage girl drink an
it's
okay
to
for
a
teenage
girl
drink
an
iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in
iced
coffee
with
115
grams
of
sugar
in
it.
it
>> Okay. And I'm asking you to show me the
>>
Okay
And
I'm
asking
you
to
show
me
the
safety data that shows it's okay for
safety
data
that
shows
it's
okay
for
anyone to question anything a teenage
anyone
to
question
anything
a
teenage
girl is doing. How How was your day,
girl
is
doing
How
How
was
your
day
sweetie?
sweetie
Hey, [cheering] it's Dad. [applause]
Hey
cheering
it's
Dad
applause
Hey, it's it's it's dad. How was your
Hey
it's
it's
it's
dad
How
was
your
day, sweetie? Oh, I'm sorry. You're
day
sweetie
Oh
I'm
sorry
You're
pointing at your headphones and walking
pointing
at
your
headphones
and
walking
away. Oh, and and you need money. Okay.
away
Oh
and
and
you
need
money
Okay
And the car keys. Okay. We'll just be
And
the
car
keys
Okay
We'll
just
be
home whenever you think is good. Don't
home
whenever
you
think
is
good
Don't
hate me.
hate
me
[applause and cheering] Do Do you want
applause
and
cheering
Do
Do
you
want
my Duncan?
my
Duncan
This criticism of Duncan is not playing
This
criticism
of
Duncan
is
not
playing
well in New England because Duncan was
well
in
New
England
because
Duncan
was
founded in 1950 in Massachusetts and is
founded
in
1950
in
Massachusetts
and
is
beloved by Bostononians like Ben
beloved
by
Bostononians
like
Ben
Affleck. And in fact, we actually we
Affleck
And
in
fact
we
actually
we
acquired a photo of Ben Affleck when he
acquired
a
photo
of
Ben
Affleck
when
he
heard the news.
heard
the
news
Yeah. Even even Massachusetts Governor
Yeah
Even
even
Massachusetts
Governor
Mora Healey is getting involved. She
Mora
Healey
is
getting
involved
She
responded to RFK Jr.'s threat, posting,
responded
to
RFK
Jr's
threat
posting
"Come and take it."
Come
and
take
it
Yes.
Yes
Powerful, powerful image.
Powerful
powerful
image
Strong. [applause]
Strong
applause
Reminds me of the immortal words of
Reminds
me
of
the
immortal
words
of
great Bostononian Paul Rivere. What' you
great
Bostononian
Paul
Rivere
What'
you
freaking say about my sister?
freaking
say
about
my
sister
We got a great show for you tonight.
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My [music] guests are Jimmy Fallon and
My
music
guests
are
Jimmy
Fallon
and
Harvey. When we come back,
Harvey
When
we
come
back
[screaming and singing]
screaming
and
singing
puppies.
puppies
[music]
music
>> [cheering]
>>
cheering
[applause]
applause
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