Watch and Learn - Noem’s Colleagues Celebrate Her Firing | ICE Whistleblower Testifies

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Thank you one and all. Welcome, welcome

Thank you one and all Welcome welcome

ladies and gentlemen to the late show.

ladies and gentlemen to the late show

I'm your host Steven Colbear. Ladies and

I'm your host Steven Colbear Ladies and

gentlemen [cheering]

gentlemen cheering

[applause]

applause

well, it it is a rainy night here in New

well it it is a rainy night here in New

York. Okay, enough of that. Let's talk

York Okay enough of that Let's talk

about Christy Gnome getting fired.

about Christy Gnome getting fired

[cheering]

cheering

Yeah, she's out. She's gone.

Yeah she's out She's gone

Her fault for standing so close to that

gravel pit.

gravel pit

It is too It's too soon to know exactly

why Christy Gnome is gone. Before we

why Christy Gnome is gone Before we

find out any more information about what

happened, I just want to say with

happened I just want to say with

absolute certainty, she is a domestic

absolute certainty she is a domestic

terrorist who deserves to go to Gitmo.

terrorist who deserves to go to Gitmo

[cheering]

cheering

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I am

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I am

being told that is not true. But you

being told that is not true But you

know what? I acted on the information we

know what I acted on the information we

had at the time.

had at the time

The news came

The [cheering] news came

The cheering news came

[applause]

applause

>> news came as no surprise to Gnome, or if

>> news came as no surprise to Gnome or if

it did, her face was incapable of

it did her face was incapable of

showing it.

showing it

Trump made the announcement as usual on

social media. first saying he was

social media first saying he was

nominating a new head of DHS, then

nominating a new head of DHS then

adding, "The current secretary, Christy

adding The current secretary Christy

Gnome, who has served us well, will be

Gnome who has served us well will be

moving to be special envoy for the

Shield of the Americas, our new security

Shield of the Americas our new security

initiative in the Western Hemisphere.

initiative in the Western Hemisphere

[laughter]

laughter

Sounds like someone's about to become

the FIFA Secretary of Homeland

Security." [cheering]

Security cheering

Well [applause]

Well applause

that's pretty

[cheering] up there. Yeah.

cheering up there Yeah

Well, at least Gnome can fall back on

Well at least Gnome can fall back on

all her other jobs. Cowboy,

all her other jobs Cowboy

soldier, and village crone, who tells

soldier and village crone who tells

you exactly when you'll die.

you exactly when you'll die

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Shouldn't have touched her raven.

Shouldn't have touched her raven

Gnome didn't seem to have a lot of fans

in the administration. When reached for

in the administration When reached for

comment uh about her getting kicked to

the curb, one White House insider simply

the curb one White House insider simply

said "Hallelujah."

said Hallelujah

[cheering]

cheering

Is it good? Is that good?

Is it good Is that good

Is that a good sign? [applause]

Is that a good sign applause

It's a bit of a tell when your

co-workers celebrate your firing. Hey

co-workers celebrate your firing Hey

Shaina, we know it's your last day, so

Shaina we know it's your last day so

we got you a sheetcake. I know it looks

we got you a sheetcake I know it looks

like a regular cake, but I promise you

like a regular cake but I promise you

you'll taste the sheet. [laughter]

you'll taste the sheet laughter

Trump's choice uh to replace Gnome is

Senator Mark Wayne Mullen. But why? You

Senator Mark Wayne Mullen But why You

don't know anything about him.

don't know anything about him

Save it later for when you can enjoy it.

Save it later for when you can enjoy it

But why Mark Wayne and why Mark now?

But why Mark Wayne and why Mark now

Well, it's just as dumb as you could

Well it's just as dumb as you could

possibly imagine. Insiders say that

possibly imagine Insiders say that

Trump loves watching Senator Mullen on

TV. Yeah, apparently it came down to

TV Yeah apparently it came down to

either Mark Wayne Mullen or the Liu Emu

who admittedly would have worked hard to

protect our liberty biome

[laughter]

laughter

did not look good. [applause]

did not look good applause

Look very good. Wow. Gnome did not look

Look very good Wow Gnome did not look

great on the TV this week. She testified

great on the TV this week She testified

was it the Senate first? She testified

was it the Senate first She testified

in the Senate and was asked by Louisiana

Senator Kennedy about a series of

extremely expensive TV ads featuring her

and she passed the blame on to

definitely the wrong guy.

definitely the wrong guy

>> The president approved ahead of time you

spending

$220 million

220 million

running TV ads across the country in

which you are featured prominently.

which you are featured prominently

>> Yes, sir. We went through the legal

>> Yes sir We went through the legal

processes. Did it correctly?

processes Did it correctly

>> Did the president know do this? Yes,

>> Did the president know do this Yes

>> he did.

>> he did

>> Mhm. Yes.

>> Mhm Yes

>> No,

>> No

don't ever blame anything on Donald

Trump. Ladies and gentlemen, it has come

Trump Ladies and gentlemen it has come

to my attention that Christy Gnome is

just days away from developing a nuclear

weapon.

weapon

[cheering and applause]

cheering and applause

We have no choice but to strike and

strike hard.

strike hard

over in the house. Uh she also testified

over in the house Uh she also testified

and when she was there things got a

little bit spicy because see Gnome and

her top adviser Corey Luwendowski are

rumored to be romantically bonan. Now

rumored to be romantically bonan Now

California see that's better. That's

California see that's better That's

nice. Thank you. California

nice Thank you California

representative Sydney Cam Logger asked

Gnome about that but not exactly those

words. Secretary Gnome, at any time

words Secretary Gnome at any time

during your tenure as director of

Department of Homeland Security, have

Department of Homeland Security have

you had sexual relations with Corey

Lwendowski?

Lwendowski

>> Mr. Chairman, I am shocked that we're

>> Mr Chairman I am shocked that we're

going down and pedalling tabloid garbage

in this committee today.

in this committee today

>> I'm going to put you down for yes,

>> I'm going to put you down for yes

just for now. Just for now.

just for now Just for now

[cheering and applause]

cheering and applause

>> Yes. There's a check. There's a check

>> Yes There's a check There's a check

there. Oh, I don't have any paper. I

there Oh I don't have any paper I

don't know how to feel.

don't know how to feel

>> The drama

continued.

continued

>> Reclaiming

>> ma'am, one thing that I would tell you

>> ma'am one thing that I would tell you

is that he is a special government

employee who works for the White House.

employee who works for the White House

There are thousands of them in the

federal government.

federal government

>> Oh my god. She's had sex with thousands

>> Oh my god She's had sex with thousands

of government employees.

of government employees

Wow. That [applause and cheering]

Wow That applause and cheering

that is special.

that is special

Uh back over in the Senate, uh Tom

Uh back over in the Senate uh Tom

Tillis uh also questioned Gnome's

character by bringing up a painful

memory from the past. Secretary,

memory from the past Secretary

I read your book last week. Some of it

I read your book last week Some of it

distresses me, and I'll give you a good

distresses me and I'll give you a good

example of one that does. The passage

example of one that does The passage

where you talk about killing a dog that

was 14 months old. You should know

was 14 months old You should know

better. A 14-month-old dog is basically

better A 14-month-old dog is basically

a teenager in dog years. You decided to

a teenager in dog years You decided to

kill that dog. You killed a goat. You

kill that dog You killed a goat You

killed a goat to catch the dog. You

killed a goat to catch the dog You

killed the dog to catch the cat. You

killed the dog to catch the cat You

killed the cat to catch the bird. You

killed the cat to catch the bird You

killed the bird to catch the fly. I

killed the bird to catch the fly I

don't know why you swallowed the fly.

don't know why you swallowed the fly

Did you have sex with Cory Luwendowski?

Did you have sex with Cory Luwendowski

Answer [cheering] the question. Senator,

Answer cheering the question Senator

[applause] very nice. Very nice. Thank

applause very nice Very nice Thank

you. Thank you for the clap. Gnome will

you Thank you for the clap Gnome will

be completely forgotten. But if she's

be completely forgotten But if she's

remembered for anything, it's what a

remembered for anything it's what a

catastrophe ICE is under her leadership.

catastrophe ICE is under her leadership

They're undisiplined. They're

They're undisiplined They're

illtrained. They're violent. And we're

illtrained They're violent And we're

learning how they got that way. Because

learning how they got that way Because

last week, a whistleblower testified to

last week a whistleblower testified to

Congress about ICE's minimal training.

Congress about ICE's minimal training

That whistleblower's name, Ryan Schwank.

That whistleblower's name Ryan Schwank

Sir, a grateful nationw.

Sir a grateful nationw

[applause]

applause

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

[applause]

applause

>> But sometimes ICE is also a little bit

funny. According to a recent report, ICE

funny According to a recent report ICE

agents keep accidentally shooting

themselves.

themselves

Just to be clear, everyone's okay. And

Just to be clear everyone's okay And

I'm not going to laugh at it. Instead,

I'm not going to laugh at it Instead

I'll laugh at THIS

>> NOW. [applause]

>> NOW applause

never gets old.

never gets old

>> On a loop, right on a loop. AIDS cannot

>> On a loop right on a loop AIDS cannot

wither nor custom stale. Reportedly, the

wither nor custom stale Reportedly the

agents in question accidentally shot

themselves in the leg during routine

training exercises. That exercise, how

training exercises That exercise how

not to shoot yourself in the leg.

not to shoot yourself in the leg

[laughter]

laughter

Uh, it's some guns. It's some with guns.

Uh it's some guns It's some with guns

not all guns cuz there was also an

accidental taser discharge inside an ICE

office which led former ICE officials to

explain that accidental discharges are

not uncommon and often involve

experienced agents rather than new

hires. Oh, okay. And is this true? I'm

hires Oh okay And is this true I'm

told we have a recording of one of those

officials talking to reporters.

officials talking to reporters

>> Oh, yeah. These accidental discharges

>> Oh yeah These accidental discharges

happen ALL THE TIME.

happen ALL THE TIME

>> AH, [screaming] MY LEGS. AH, MY BALLS.

>> AH screaming MY LEGS AH MY BALLS

>> HEY, GARY. YOU'LL my leg. [screaming]

>> HEY GARY YOU'LL my leg screaming

Oh, Gary's balls.

Oh Gary's balls

You know, poor Gary. You know,

You know poor Gary You know

[laughter]

laughter

you know, folks, you know which cabinet

you know folks you know which cabinet

member I hope Trump fires next? All of

member I hope Trump fires next All of

them. But

them But

if I had to pick one, [cheering]

if I had to pick one cheering

[applause] clean slate, sweep it. But if

applause clean slate sweep it But if

I had to pick one, it would be HHS

I had to pick one it would be HHS

Secretary RFK Jr. And that might happen.

Secretary RFK Jr And that might happen

[applause] That

applause That

All right, that's nice. Some RFK Junior

All right that's nice Some RFK Junior

fans here tonight. And that might happen

fans here tonight And that might happen

because Junior just pissed off the wrong

people. You see, see, Bobb's been

people You see see Bobb's been

pedalling his Maha Madness. And he said

pedalling his Maha Madness And he said

he wants Dunkin Donuts to prove drinking

its iced coffee is safe. Who cares if

its iced coffee is safe Who cares if

it's safe? [laughter]

it's safe laughter

If I wanted a safe morning beverage, I'd

If I wanted a safe morning beverage I'd

drink tea. You know it slogan tea water

drink tea You know it slogan tea water

that makes you thirsty

recently [applause]

recently applause

there.

there

[applause] Is that right?

applause Is that right

Recently Mr. Junior was at a rally in

Recently Mr Junior was at a rally in

Texas when he said this. We're gonna ask

Texas when he said this We're gonna ask

uh Dunkin' Donuts in Starbucks,

uh Dunkin' Donuts in Starbucks

show us the safety data that show that

it's okay to for a teenage girl drink an

iced coffee with 115 grams of sugar in

it.

>> Okay. And I'm asking you to show me the

>> Okay And I'm asking you to show me the

safety data that shows it's okay for

anyone to question anything a teenage

girl is doing. How How was your day,

girl is doing How How was your day

sweetie?

sweetie

Hey, [cheering] it's Dad. [applause]

Hey cheering it's Dad applause

Hey, it's it's it's dad. How was your

Hey it's it's it's dad How was your

day, sweetie? Oh, I'm sorry. You're

day sweetie Oh I'm sorry You're

pointing at your headphones and walking

away. Oh, and and you need money. Okay.

away Oh and and you need money Okay

And the car keys. Okay. We'll just be

And the car keys Okay We'll just be

home whenever you think is good. Don't

home whenever you think is good Don't

hate me.

hate me

[applause and cheering] Do Do you want

applause and cheering Do Do you want

my Duncan?

my Duncan

This criticism of Duncan is not playing

well in New England because Duncan was

founded in 1950 in Massachusetts and is

beloved by Bostononians like Ben

Affleck. And in fact, we actually we

Affleck And in fact we actually we

acquired a photo of Ben Affleck when he

heard the news.

heard the news

Yeah. Even even Massachusetts Governor

Yeah Even even Massachusetts Governor

Mora Healey is getting involved. She

Mora Healey is getting involved She

responded to RFK Jr.'s threat, posting,

responded to RFK Jr's threat posting

"Come and take it."

Come and take it

Yes.

Yes

Powerful, powerful image.

Powerful powerful image

Strong. [applause]

Strong applause

Reminds me of the immortal words of

great Bostononian Paul Rivere. What' you

great Bostononian Paul Rivere What' you

freaking say about my sister?

freaking say about my sister

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

My [music] guests are Jimmy Fallon and

My music guests are Jimmy Fallon and

Harvey. When we come back,

Harvey When we come back

[screaming and singing]

screaming and singing

puppies.

puppies

[music]

music

>> [cheering]

>> cheering

[applause]

applause

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