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one and all. Welcome in here out there,

one and all Welcome in here out there

Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships

Mr and Mrs America and all the ships

at sea to the late show. I'm your host,

at sea to the late show I'm your host

Steven Colbert. Now,

Steven Colbert Now

come on.

come on

That is water in the desert. I I sincer

That is water in the desert I I sincer

sincerely thank you for that warm and

wonderful welcome right back at you cuz

I don't know about you folks. I don't

I don't know about you folks I don't

know about you, but I have found the

know about you but I have found the

first couple of weeks of 2026 to be a

grade-A extra crispy cluster munch of

suckitude.

suckitude

[Applause]

Applause

There ain't no chrome left on that

trailer hitch. Now,

trailer hitch Now

hey,

hey

case in point. This morning, with

case in point This morning with

Minnesota under siege by masked armed

goons victimizing American citizens,

goons victimizing American citizens

Trump threatened

Trump threatened to invoke the

Insurrection Act. Well, that'll calm

Insurrection Act Well that'll calm

everybody down.

everybody down

I'm sure motans will just love that.

I'm sure motans will just love that

That's why all the protesters' signs say,

That's why all the protesters' signs say

"Ice, go home, then come back in a

Ice go home then come back in a

tank."

tank

Fun fact, the Insurrection Act allows

Fun fact the Insurrection Act allows

the president to deploy members of the

military or federalize the state

national guard to contain an

insurrection in a US state. And hold on,

insurrection in a US state And hold on

hold on. I'm being given a correction.

hold on I'm being given a correction

That fact was not fun.

That fact was not fun

My mistake. My mistake.

My mistake My mistake

The thousands of ICE agents who are in

Minnesota already are doing nothing but

inflaming the population with their fear

tactics and their violence. And there's

tactics and their violence And there's

a reason these ICE agents seem to have

no idea what they're doing. Cuz they

no idea what they're doing Cuz they

don't.

don't

We just learned, and this is true, we

We just learned and this is true we

just learned that during ICE's recent

rush to hire 10,000 new agents, there

rush to hire 10000 new agents there

was an error in how the applications

were processed, leading ICE to send many

were processed leading ICE to send many

new recruits into field offices without

proper training. We actually have

proper training We actually have

footage. Is this show we have footage of

footage Is this show we have footage of

one of the untrained agents?

one of the untrained agents

[Applause]

Applause

Okay.

Okay

Okay. I don't

Okay I don't

technically

technically we don't know if that guy's

trained or not, but I will watch that

trained or not but I will watch that

video on a loop.

video on a loop

That is my love language.

That is my love language

Apparently, there there are two

Apparently there there are two

different training tracks for ICE

applicants. The recruits who are already

applicants The recruits who are already

law enforcement officers, they only need

law enforcement officers they only need

four weeks of training. But applicants

four weeks of training But applicants

without law enforcement backgrounds are

required to take an 8week course. So

required to take an 8week course So

it's a maximum of eight weeks. I feel

it's a maximum of eight weeks I feel

like it should take longer to become an

unaccountable armed member of the secret

police than it does to take classical

chainmail making for absolute beginners at

the 92nd Street Y.

the 92nd Street Y

Yeah, it's 12 weeks.

Yeah it's 12 weeks

12 weeks to make the fisherman's knot.

12 weeks to make the fisherman's knot

Apparently, the application screening

Apparently the application screening

process hit a little snag when the

AI tool that ICE was using to screen

applicants sent people with the word

officer on their resumes to the shorter

training regimen, including those who

training regimen including those who

had been a compliance officer or people

who said they aspired to be ICE

officers. And mo most common of all,

officers And mo most common of all

those who said, "I'll have to double

those who said I'll have to double

check with my parole officer."

check with my parole officer

Now, in international

Now in international

news, no one likes us cuz

news no one likes us cuz

because Trump continues to insist he's going

to take over Greenland. And the reason

to take over Greenland And the reason

is he has got a reason. Uh it's uh

is he has got a reason Uh it's uh

something something national security.

something something national security

My dad never went to my little league

games.

games

Uh yesterday, just yesterday, yesterday,

Uh yesterday just yesterday yesterday

uh to try to talk Trump out of invading

a NATO ally, the Danish and Greenlandic

a NATO ally the Danish and Greenlandic

foreign ministers met at the White House

with JD Vance and Secretary of State

Marco Rubio. It didn't go great.

Marco Rubio It didn't go great

Afterwards, Denmark said it did not

Afterwards Denmark said it did not

manage to dissuade President Donald

Trump from seeking to conquer Greenland.

Trump from seeking to conquer Greenland

That's the kind of sentence you normally

only hear in a 1940s news reel.

only hear in a 1940s news reel

Danish, January 15th. Denmark's foreign

Danish January 15th Denmark's foreign

minister fails to slow the president's

march toward the icy continent. Now, a

march toward the icy continent Now a

message from Bourbonet, the only hard

message from Bourbonet the only hard

liquor scientifically formulated for

expectant mothers.

expectant mothers

Bottoms up, mommy.

Bottoms up mommy

Now,

Now

[Music]

Music

are you getting enough liquor for your

infant?

infant

More proof of how bad the vibes of these

meetings were. Afterwards, cameras

meetings were Afterwards cameras

caught Danish and Greenlandic officials

having a smoke in the parking lot.

having a smoke in the parking lot

So,

Tell me, does J.D. Vance wear eyeliner

Tell me does JD Vance wear eyeliner

or are his eyes like that from staring

into the abyss?

into the abyss

Then two foreign ministers held a press

conference.

conference

For us, ideas that do not respect

For us ideas that do not respect

territorial integrity of the Kingdom of

Denmark and the right of

self-determination of the Greenlandic

people are of course totally

unacceptable.

unacceptable

Well said. It is vital for NATO allies

Well said It is vital for NATO allies

to stand up and assert their sovereignty

in this perilous moment. But more

in this perilous moment But more

importantly, where are they? They

importantly where are they They

They look like they're attending a

wedding at an elementary school.

wedding at an elementary school

They're in the breeze. It's where the

They're in the breeze It's where the

pickup line, I think it's the pickup

pickup line I think it's the pickup

line, comes by there. Do not cut on the

line comes by there Do not cut on the

pickup line.

pickup line

The Danish foreign minister also clapped

back to a recent insult from Trump about

how Greenland's defense is only two sled

dogs.

dogs

There's also always a bit of truth in

what he's saying. Not about the dog

what he's saying Not about the dog

slays. Well, we also have dogs slays to

slays Well we also have dogs slays to

our special forces.

our special forces

Oh my god.

Oh my god

We're going to send the Marines to kill

Paw Patrol.

Paw Patrol

After that, we're not really. We're not

After that we're not really We're not

really going to We're not really going

to do that

that I know of.

that I know of

After that, uh, the minister headed over

After that uh the minister headed over

to Fox News to answer some dumb

questions from Brett Bearer.

questions from Brett Bearer

You also don't believe the US is going

to invade Greenland, do you?

to invade Greenland do you

No. At least I do not hope so. Well,

No At least I do not hope so Well

Mr. Minister, as someone who has spent a

Mr Minister as someone who has spent a

lot of time hoping Trump doesn't do

stuff he eventually does, let me give

stuff he eventually does let me give

you a little tip, sir. If you put wine

you a little tip sir If you put wine

in a travel mug, you can drink lying

in a travel mug you can drink lying

down.

down

Did you know that?

Did you know that

I know that.

I know that

Want to know how I know that?

Want to know how I know that

I'll give you a thousand guesses.

I'll give you a thousand guesses

Hey, you know who's pretty sure the

Hey you know who's pretty sure the

United States is going to invade a NATO

country? NATO because yesterday Germany

country NATO because yesterday Germany

announced they are sending troops to

Greenland.

Greenland

Making it the first time in human

history anyone ever said, "Good news.

history anyone ever said Good news

The German troops are on the way.

The German troops are on the way

Here they come."

Here they come

That sounds intense, but bear in mind

That sounds intense but bear in mind

Germany is only sending 13 soldiers.

Germany is only sending 13 soldiers

Well, that's because of German

Well that's because of German

efficiency. Octo, it is 9:00 a.m. We

efficiency Octo it is 9:00 am We

have secured the border.

have secured the border

Want to reassure the locals? Fixed

Want to reassure the locals Fixed

every microwave clock.

every microwave clock

We gone for a rousing hike.

We gone for a rousing hike

Time for a snack. Snack is over.

Time for a snack Snack is over

I'm sure they're very nice. Trump is

I'm sure they're very nice Trump is

threatening to invade Minnesota and

Greenland. So, the obvious question is

Greenland So the obvious question is

when's somebody going to give this guy a

Nobel Peace Prize? Well, turns out this

Nobel Peace Prize Well turns out this

afternoon, uh, because today Trump got a

afternoon uh because today Trump got a

visit, uh, from Venezuelan opposition

visit uh from Venezuelan opposition

leader and the Joker's mom, Maria Karina

leader and the Joker's mom Maria Karina

Machado.

Machado

And she says at the meeting, she

And she says at the meeting she

presented Trump with her Nobel Peace

Prize medal.

Prize medal

Maria.

Maria

Maria, that is so sad and so meaningless

Maria that is so sad and so meaningless

cuz he didn't earn it. Stellan

cuz he didn't earn it Stellan

Scarsgard, my guest tonight, can give me

Scarsgard my guest tonight can give me

his golden globe tonight if he wants,

his golden globe tonight if he wants

but that won't make me heartbreakingly

convincing as a Norwegian father trying

to reconcile with his daughters.

to reconcile with his daughters

Nora

Agnes, I do love you in my complicated,

Agnes I do love you in my complicated

distant way.

distant way

No finisher salted licorice and

linganberries.

linganberries

See? Awful.

See Awful

But I accept. Thank you, Stellin. Or

But I accept Thank you Stellin Or

maybe

not bad. That wasn't okay.

not bad That wasn't okay

Better than my Trump. Or maybe she

Better than my Trump Or maybe she

should give it to him. I don't know.

should give it to him I don't know

Maybe it'll cheer him up. He sure as

Maybe it'll cheer him up He sure as

hell needs it. This week, Trump sent

hell needs it This week Trump sent

supporters a fundraising email with the

subject, "I'm alone and in the dark."

subject I'm alone and in the dark

That read in part, "I'm sitting here

That read in part I'm sitting here

alone in the war room fighting for you.

alone in the war room fighting for you

The rest of the staff went home hours

ago. It's just me, one dying laptop,

ago It's just me one dying laptop

and the 72-hour countdown clock to my

first midmon deadline of the year just

rang.

rang

All right, who let him listen to Moresy?

All right who let him listen to Moresy

And what what on earth? Moresy fans,

And what what on earth Moresy fans

there you go. The cure.

there you go The cure

And what does he mean? One dying laptop.

And what does he mean One dying laptop

Plug it in.

Plug it in

Okay, plug in your laptop.

Okay plug in your laptop

Sitting in the dark, turn on the lights.

Sitting in the dark turn on the lights

Feel all better now.

Feel all better now

There is one place folks are still

having fun. That's Mara Lago. Uh last

having fun That's Mara Lago Uh last

weekend, uh they they hosted the Humane

weekend uh they they hosted the Humane

Society's Hero Dog Awards Gala for

canines who work with law enforcement.

canines who work with law enforcement

So, a big fancy party to celebrate hero

So a big fancy party to celebrate hero

dogs. I'm sure you're thinking there's

dogs I'm sure you're thinking there's

going to be cute doggy decorations,

going to be cute doggy decorations

maybe a poodle-shaped cake, sexualized

maybe a poodle-shaped cake sexualized

human dog hybrids and ball gowns.

human dog hybrids and ball gowns

Yep.

Yep

Huh?

Huh

I don't remember smoking peyote in a pet

smart today.

smart today

I mean, look at those fancy Rococo

I mean look at those fancy Rococo

dresses. Reminds me of that famous Marie

dresses Reminds me of that famous Marie

Antoinette quote. Let them eat cake, but

Antoinette quote Let them eat cake but

not chocolate.

not chocolate

Of course, this being Mara Lago, Trump

Of course this being Mara Lago Trump

did make an appearance, but

did make an appearance but

unfortunately, he arrived late. That's

unfortunately he arrived late That's

got to be confusing for someone who

already has such a tenuous grasp on

reality. I'm here everyone. What did I

reality I'm here everyone What did I

Holy, what is happening here? Wow.

Holy what is happening here Wow

I got to say, wow, they really upped the

I got to say wow they really upped the

challenge on these cognitive tests.

challenge on these cognitive tests

Dog, dog, dog,

Dog dog dog

dog,

dog

giraffe. Damn it, dog.

giraffe Damn it dog

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

My guess

[Applause]

Applause

when we come back

join

[Applause]

Applause

[Music]

Music

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