Watch and Learn - Trump: ICE Killings Create Bad Publicity | America's Secret Weapon

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Thank you. You're very kind. Welcome.

Thank you You're very kind Welcome

Welcome one and all to the late show.

Welcome one and all to the late show

I'm your host, Steven Colbear. Ladies

I'm your host Steven Colbear Ladies

and gentlemen, [cheering]

and gentlemen cheering

I don't know.

I don't know

Uh down in DC this morning, they held uh

Uh down in DC this morning they held uh

the annual National Prayer Breakfast.

the annual National Prayer Breakfast

And uh they hold one every year. It's

And uh they hold one every year It's

been going on for a long time since we

were kids. All the politicians show up

were kids All the politicians show up

and it seems fine. And but frankly, I've

and it seems fine And but frankly I've

always been uncomfortable with it

because as American, I believe in the

because as American I believe in the

separation of church and breakfast. The

separation of church and breakfast The

uh [applause and cheering]

uh applause and cheering

mass

then brunch. Okay.

then brunch Okay

Church, you get the church, then the

Church you get the church then the

donuts and bad coffee. Now,

donuts and bad coffee Now

Trump uh of course President Trump was

down there this morning. Did some

down there this morning Did some

special material just for the prayer

munchers.

munchers

I think I've been here just about every

time. It's hard to turn it down. and I

time It's hard to turn it down and I

don't have the courage to turn it down.

don't have the courage to turn it down

Sometimes I want to. Last time I came, I

Sometimes I want to Last time I came I

was I got in at 4:00 in the morning.

was I got in at 4:00 in the morning

They said, "Sir, you're going to be

They said Sir you're going to be

speaking at 7:00." They said, "Really?"

speaking at 7:00 They said Really

"Oh, that's wonderful." Yes. I said, "It

Oh that's wonderful Yes I said It

was really wonderful." It was wonderful.

was really wonderful It was wonderful

Despite no sleep, it was great

Despite no sleep it was great

pretending to pray.

pretending to pray

[laughter and cheering]

laughter and cheering

Dear holy Jesus, wow,

Dear holy Jesus wow

look at all the bacon.

look at all the bacon

Thank you for your attention to this

platter. [laughter]

platter laughter

Before he got on stage, Trump was

Before he got on stage Trump was

introduced by his spiritual adviser and

haunted Bloomingdale's mannequin, Paula

haunted Bloomingdale's mannequin Paula

White Kaine. Here's how she brought

White Kaine Here's how she brought

Trump out.

Trump out

It is my great honor to introduce, and I

It is my great honor to introduce and I

think I can say this not as senior

adviser, but as his friend, the GOAT,

adviser but as his friend the GOAT

the greatest of all time. Now, I'm not

the greatest of all time Now I'm not

an ordained minister,

an ordained minister

but as a Christian, I thought the

but as a Christian I thought the

greatest of all time was the guy named

Jesus. Uh, [cheering]

Jesus Uh cheering

still, I mean, you have to admit, still

still I mean you have to admit still

holds the record for saves. But

holds the record for saves But

I will agree that Trump is the goat

because I believe he would eat a bicycle

tire if you put it on a bun. [laughter]

tire if you put it on a bun laughter

And you just because just just because

we're talking about Paula White cane, I

we're talking about Paula White cane I

am legally obligated to show you this

clip of her preaching in tongues.

clip of her preaching in tongues

[cheering]

cheering

I love that. Maybe maybe she's the goat.

I love that Maybe maybe she's the goat

Can we play a little bit more of that

footage?

footage

[cheering]

cheering

[cheering]

cheering

Yeah.

Yeah

[laughter]

laughter

And also with you.

And also with you

There you go, buddy. And then while

There you go buddy And then while

Trump while Trump was uh all in on the

prayer breakfast, he was less

prayer breakfast he was less

enthusiastic about other prayer meals.

enthusiastic about other prayer meals

Mike Johnson's a very religious person

and he does not hide it. He'll say to me

and he does not hide it He'll say to me

sometimes at lunch, "Sir,

sometimes at lunch Sir

may we pray?" Say, "Excuse me, what

may we pray Say Excuse me what

happened to lunch? Sir, [laughter]

happened to lunch Sir laughter

let me explain. You see, when when

let me explain You see when when

people see you eat, a lot of people just

people see you eat a lot of people just

start praying."

start praying

But

[music]

music

[cheering]

cheering

[applause]

applause

let's see. Oh, people will be praying

let's see Oh people will be praying

about this. Super Bowl is coming up on

about this Super Bowl is coming up on

Sunday. So,

Sunday So

[cheering]

cheering

woo, one of the teams. So, Trump sat

woo one of the teams So Trump sat

down with uh Tom Yamis on NBC for the

traditional pre pre Super Bowl interview

and at one point they they talked about

ICE.

ICE

Speaking of Minneapolis, what did you

Speaking of Minneapolis what did you

learn?

learn

Um, I learned that uh maybe we can use a

Um I learned that uh maybe we can use a

little bit of a softer touch. You think

little bit of a softer touch You think

[laughter]

laughter

it's like that quote from Godzilla, my

it's like that quote from Godzilla my

takeaway? I could have watched where I

takeaway I could have watched where I

stepped.

stepped

[laughter]

laughter

Then he's eating that. He's eating a

Then he's eating that He's eating a

train. [cheering and applause] He's

train cheering and applause He's

eating a subway car. It's nice. Then

eating a subway car It's nice Then

Yamas asked about the tragic deaths of

Renee Good and Alex Prey.

Renee Good and Alex Prey

Two people. It's bad. I hate it. I hate

Two people It's bad I hate it I hate

even talking about it. two people out of

even talking about it two people out of

tens of thousands. Okay.

tens of thousands Okay

And you get bad publicity.

And you get bad publicity

Yeah.

Yeah

Turns out

[cheering]

cheering

Well, at least you're booing in unison.

Well at least you're booing in unison

Yeah. It turns out you kill people,

Yeah It turns out you kill people

you're going to have a a rough news

cycle, even among the people who like

cycle even among the people who like

you. Remember how much money General

you Remember how much money General

Mills lost when Sunny Cuckoo went

criminally insane for Cocoa Puffs?

criminally insane for Cocoa Puffs

They They still haven't [applause]

They They still haven't applause

really

They still haven't found Snap, Crackle,

They still haven't found Snap Crackle

or Pop's bodies. [laughter]

or Pop's bodies laughter

Don't really know what that joke means,

Don't really know what that joke means

but I enjoyed it. No idea what that joke

but I enjoyed it No idea what that joke

means, but I enjoyed it. Despite the

means but I enjoyed it Despite the

footage we just showed you, Trump

footage we just showed you Trump

bragged about the uh the cognitive and

defended his brain.

defended his brain

I think it's very important. I've done

I think it's very important I've done

more physicals. I take physicals just to

more physicals I take physicals just to

give the report out.

give the report out

Yeah.

Yeah

I take cognitive physicals. So, I do a

I take cognitive physicals So I do a

cognitive mind test. Okay. No other

cognitive mind test Okay No other

president has agreed to do them. I do

president has agreed to do them I do

them because I have no problem with it

because I'm 100%. I'm 100%. Okay? I'm

because I'm 100 I'm 100 Okay I'm

100%. No, listen. No, listen. I'm 100%.

100 No listen No listen I'm 100

Okay? I pass all the harder tests, all

Okay I pass all the harder tests all

the hard tests they give me. Where's the

the hard tests they give me Where's the

head? Here also. [laughter]

head Here also laughter

Also, where is the head? It's right

Also where is the head It's right

here. Okay? And not many people could

here Okay And not many people could

handle the final question. Where is the

handle the final question Where is the

head? [laughter]

head laughter

Giraffe.

Giraffe

Trump also bragged about. [cheering]

Trump also bragged about cheering

I know what that joke's about.

I know what that joke's about

[applause]

applause

Trump also bragged about a secret new

weapon of this technology that we use

down in Venezuela. And he apparently

down in Venezuela And he apparently

named it himself.

named it himself

You talked about the weapon, the

You talked about the weapon the

discombobulator.

discombobulator

Discombobul. Well, I'm not allowed to

Discombobul Well I'm not allowed to

talk about it.

talk about it

What does it do?

What does it do

Let me just tell you. You know what it

Let me just tell you You know what it

does? None of their equipment works.

does None of their equipment works

That's what it does. Everything was dis

That's what it does Everything was dis

It was my name. I'm very proud of the

It was my name I'm very proud of the

name. Everything was discombobulated.

name Everything was discombobulated

Tom, it discombobulated everything.

Tom it discombobulated everything

Sir,

Sir

is there any chance the discombobulator

is on now?

is on now

[cheering and applause]

cheering and applause

Because

[applause]

applause

I I would not describe your recent

behavior as uh combabulating.

behavior as uh combabulating

[applause and cheering]

applause and cheering

Even though he can never run for office

again, Trump is still fundraising. And

again Trump is still fundraising And

just like Trump, his fundraising emails

just like Trump his fundraising emails

keep getting weirder. Like the one he

keep getting weirder Like the one he

sent a couple of days ago asking, "Will

sent a couple of days ago asking Will

I hear from you before Valentine's Day?"

I hear from you before Valentine's Day

with a button that says, "Take poll.

with a button that says Take poll

Just what everyone wants on Valentine's

Day, a 79year-old man begging you to

Day a 79year-old man begging you to

take poll.

take poll

[applause]

applause

The spam email.

The spam email

The spam email, which in this case was

The spam email which in this case was

addressed to some supporter named Chris,

addressed to some supporter named Chris

continues, "I hope you still love me,

continues I hope you still love me

Chris. I didn't think you'd leave me

Chris I didn't think you'd leave me

hanging this close to Valentine's Day."

hanging this close to Valentine's Day

[cheering]

cheering

It's kind of creepy, but not the first

It's kind of creepy but not the first

time a president has made this kind of

plea.

plea

Mr. Gorbachov.

Mr Gorbachov

Why won't Chris call? [cheering]

Why won't Chris call cheering

That's not the only There was There was

another Valentine's email that read,

another Valentine's email that read

"Tick tick tick. That's the sound of

Tick tick tick That's the sound of

your Trump membership on its last leg."

your Trump membership on its last leg

[laughter]

laughter

Why? Why would your leg be ticking?

Why Why would your leg be ticking

Chris, I've strapped a bomb to your

Chris I've strapped a bomb to your

thigh.

thigh

If you ever want to see your shins

again, [laughter]

again laughter

take poll.

take poll

[applause] Speaking

applause Speaking

[cheering]

cheering

really, very nice. [applause]

really very nice applause

Speaking of Trump's romantic tendencies,

Speaking of Trump's romantic tendencies

the Epstein files, we're still

the Epstein files we're still

Yeah, I agree. We're still barfing our

Yeah I agree We're still barfing our

way through the millions of pages

released last week and learning new

disturbing tidbits every day. For

disturbing tidbits every day For

instance, Trump whisperer Steve Bannon

instance Trump whisperer Steve Bannon

apparently would advise Epstein on

personal grooming. Always always smart

personal grooming Always always smart

to take grooming tips from a guy who

looks like a blowfish in a tank full of

vodka.

vodka

Okay, that that may be unfair. Bannon

Okay that that may be unfair Bannon

also looks like a Frankenstein made from

expired lunch meat

[laughter]

laughter

and also a pile of dirty underwear that

wish to be a real boy.

wish to be a real boy

Another unsettling detail from these

files is that Jeffrey Epstein apparently

made brand muffins that were very

popular. I know that's a weird tidbit,

popular I know that's a weird tidbit

but many folks evidently were willing to

overlook his depraved sexual criminality

to ask for the muffin recipe.

to ask for the muffin recipe

That gives new meaning to the question,

That gives new meaning to the question

"Do you know the muffin man?"

Do you know the muffin man

[cheering]

cheering

Now, the recipe has gone viral because

Now the recipe has gone viral because

people are weird and clearly irregular

cuz it calls for a half cup of flax

seeds, a half cup of ground flax seed

seeds a half cup of ground flax seed

mixture, a full cup of raisins, and four

mixture a full cup of raisins and four

cups of digestive brand.

cups of digestive brand

That's not a muffin. That's an emergency

That's not a muffin That's an emergency

medical device.

medical device

That is that is the jaws of life for

your colon. [laughter]

your colon laughter

The next story, this next story is close

The next story this next story is close

to my heart cuz that's that's where my

stomach is. And I want you to brace

stomach is And I want you to brace

yourself, friends. Pizza Hut is closing

yourself friends Pizza Hut is closing

hundreds of locations.

hundreds of locations

It's I know it's rough news, but it does

It's I know it's rough news but it does

explain their new slogan. Damn, the Hut

explain their new slogan Damn the Hut

got out pizza.

got out pizza

According to the company, the downturn

According to the company the downturn

in Pizza Hut's business is due to

declining sales.

declining sales

And the Nobel Prize in economics goes to

[applause]

applause

Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut

Wouldn't that be great if they won the

Nobel Prize in economics? Wait, so the

Nobel Prize in economics Wait so the

sales go down and the business closes?

sales go down and the business closes

Okay. Another issue might be that when

Okay Another issue might be that when

you go to Pizza Hut's website and click

salads, you get popular pizzas.

salads you get popular pizzas

[laughter]

laughter

We can't lose the hut. They're the only

We can't lose the hut They're the only

ones who understand that America's

favorite salad is Ultimate Hut Bundle.

favorite salad is Ultimate Hut Bundle

By the way, if you developed an Ultimate

By the way if you developed an Ultimate

Hut Bundle, try one of Epstein's

Hut Bundle try one of Epstein's

muffins. [laughter]

muffins laughter

We got a great show for you tonight.

We got a great show for you tonight

My guest is James Taylor. And when we

My guest is James Taylor And when we

come back, my wife Emmy and I have some

come back my wife Emmy and I have some

first drafts of Valentine's Day.

first drafts of Valentine's Day

Heat. [music]

Heat music

[music]

music

[music] Heat.

music Heat

[cheering]

cheering

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