Watch and Learn - it will be ok

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two days ago i had

a pretty bad

panic attack for the first time in

probably two years i haven't had a panic

attack in a really long time

and

I mean I forgot how

[__] bad

__ bad

panic attacks are. I didn't feel like I

panic attacks are I didn't feel like I

was living in my own body. Like I felt

was living in my own body Like I felt

like I was just watching myself exist

but I wasn't connected with reality and

I wasn't connected with my body in my

mind and I felt like I was just

existing in like a haze. It's so hard

existing in like a haze It's so hard

to explain, but I just, I didn't feel

to explain but I just I didn't feel

like I was

in my body. I felt like I was dreaming

in my body I felt like I was dreaming

I didn't feel like reality was real. It

I didn't feel like reality was real It

was like this. I, I wish I could explain

was like this I I wish I could explain

it.

I was going to say I wish you could feel

it, but I actually really wish you, I hope

it but I actually really wish you I hope

you never feel that feeling, because it

you never feel that feeling because it

was really, really terrifying for me. I

was really really terrifying for me I

felt that feeling for, you know, a few

felt that feeling for you know a few

days after the panic attack. I thought

days after the panic attack I thought

there was something.

there was something

you know, severely wrong with me and

you know severely wrong with me and

wrong with my brain.

wrong with my brain

Um, and that was creating more anxiety

Um and that was creating more anxiety

for me, because, you know, I would like

for me because you know I would like

become aware that I was feeling weird

and, you know, was feeling

and you know was feeling

not.

not

right in my brain, and then that would

right in my brain and then that would

create more anxiety, which would make the

create more anxiety which would make the

problem worse, and would make me feel

problem worse and would make me feel

even more disassociated, and even more

even more disassociated and even more

removed from my mind and body, and it

removed from my mind and body and it

just kept getting worse, and it was this

just kept getting worse and it was this

terrible cycle. I think that

terrible cycle I think that

struggles and ups and downs

with your mental state are a lot more

common and a lot more frequent than I

think that people want to talk about.

think that people want to talk about

Because I swear to God, like I'm having

Because I swear to God like I'm having

some sort of, like

some sort of like

crazy, like spiral, you know, once every

crazy like spiral you know once every

month.

month

Right, sometimes more than that, but you

Right sometimes more than that but you

know, like I'm feeling better now, and I

know like I'm feeling better now and I

have to get back to my life at some

point. I can't just keep lying in bed

point I can't just keep lying in bed

You know, I've been in bed for quite a

You know I've been in bed for quite a

few days. I haven't washed my hair. It's

few days I haven't washed my hair It's

looking a little bit like that, you know

looking a little bit like that you know

what I mean. I haven't been cooking

what I mean I haven't been cooking

I haven't been cleaning

You know,

You know

Uh, things are kind of out of control

Uh things are kind of out of control

So, you know, it's time to get back

So you know it's time to get back

It's time to

get back to my life now.

get back to my life now

[Music]

Music

[Music]

Music

So,

Tomorrow night I'm going to a dinner

party.

party

which is a very LA thing

to do, but I don't ever go to dinner

to do but I don't ever go to dinner

parties. Like I can't remember the last

parties Like I can't remember the last

time I went to a dinner party. I'm

time I went to a dinner party I'm

actually kind of excited. I'm going to a

actually kind of excited I'm going to a

fitting right now to get my outfit all

picked out.

picked out

You know, I'm going to get all dressed up

You know I'm going to get all dressed up

for

it. I'm kind of excited. It's not like a

it I'm kind of excited It's not like a

dinner party where it's like, you know,

dinner party where it's like you know

like friends or something. It's like a

like friends or something It's like a

dinner party, like

dinner party like

it's kind of more of an event. I'm not

it's kind of more of an event I'm not

gonna lie. Like I am a little bit anxious

gonna lie Like I am a little bit anxious

about

Uh, going to a dinner party, uh, after my

Uh going to a dinner party uh after my

little emotional episode. But I, I think

little emotional episode But I I think

that this is exactly what I need. This is

that this is exactly what I need This is

exactly what the doctor ordered, like

exactly what the doctor ordered like

it's good for me to get back into [__]

it's good for me to get back into __

you know what I mean

And it's like an excuse to wear a fancy

little outfit.

little outfit

And that's cute. That's fun.

And that's cute That's fun

[Music]

Music

[Music]

Music

[Music]

Music

[Music]

Music

Am I using a cat bowl

for my soy sauce? Yes.

for my soy sauce Yes

But it's clean.

But it's clean

And it's the perfect size. It's 3:30 in

And it's the perfect size It's 3:30 in

the afternoon, and it looks like 7 p.m.

the afternoon and it looks like 7 pm

outside, and I know it's like

outside and I know it's like

Stop talking about daylight saving time

Stop talking about the

time.

time

Here's the thing:

When the time changes and it starts to

become winter,

become winter

and it starts to get

dark at like 3 p.m.

dark at like 3 pm

It's jarring, and it's upsetting. Once it

It's jarring and it's upsetting Once it

gets dark outside, I don't do anything.

gets dark outside I don't do anything

Like my body shuts down, and my mind

Like my body shuts down and my mind

shuts down.

shuts down

And I just

have to lie in bed for the rest of the day.

have to lie in bed for the rest of the day

So,

It's 3:30, but I'm winding down, you know

It's 3:30 but I'm winding down you know

Recently, I've been feeling like this

Recently I've been feeling like this

weird sensation.

weird sensation

Where, like, I just have nothing to say

Where like I just have nothing to say

Which is so weird because my whole life

all, all I've

all all I've

wanted to do is just talk.

wanted to do is just talk

I've always been such a talker, you know

I've always been such a talker you know

Like, growing up, everybody was always

Like growing up everybody was always

like Emma never shuts up.

like Emma never shuts up

As I'm growing up, I'm starting to

As I'm growing up I'm starting to

just have less desire to talk. I, I can't

just have less desire to talk I I can't

just like talk out of my ass like I used

to.

I used to never let there be a moment of

silence in a conversation, and now, like

silence in a conversation and now like

if there's a moment of silence in a

conversation, so be it, you know.

conversation so be it you know

I let it be.

I let it be

And sometimes I wonder if that makes me

boring.

boring

You know, like, am I becoming boring

You know like am I becoming boring

because I don't have anything to say

like I used to?

like I used to

I don't know. Maybe I've just spent so

I don't know Maybe I've just spent so

many years

talking so much that I just, like, wore

talking so much that I just like wore

myself out.

myself out

You know, and now I just don't have

You know and now I just don't have

anything to say anymore.

anything to say anymore

That could be.

That could be

Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah I don't know

Ah.

The dinner party was last night. It went

The dinner party was last night It went

really well. The only documentation of

really well The only documentation of

the night that I got was this photo of

me in the car on the way to the event,

me in the car on the way to the event

checking my makeup with flash.

checking my makeup with flash

And it does. It's not

And it does It's not

my favorite photo of myself, but hey,

my favorite photo of myself but hey

I was in bed by 10:30 p.m.

I was in bed by 10:30 pm

It was great. You know, I was sleeping by

It was great You know I was sleeping by

11 p.m.

11 pm

That's all I got.

That's all I got

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