Welcome one and
all
.
Sure.
Welcome to the late show. I'm your host
Steven Colbert.
Well uh hi
>>
is what you all might be because today
is 4:20,
which is
marijuana's birthday or something. I
don't really understand why this day is,
but today is Weed's unofficial holiday.
Of course, it's its official holiday is
Thanksgiving. Just just you and your
cousin in an unheated garage sharing
half a pumpkin pie, guessing which
uncle's on Wagaui.
That's why there's some pie left. Now,
in a sign that 420 is becoming more
legit these days, giant corporate food
chains are are getting in on the
Scooby-Doo fun with deals like KFC's 420
pot pie combo
and Wingstop's Hotbox.
It's the perfect meal to have in your
car while your friend's older brother
explains music to you.
Listen up. Listen up. Give me Shelter's
got a lot more going on in there than
you thought.
>>
Another brand celebrating uh is the
actual marijuana themed sandwich chain
Cheba Hut.
You know their slogan: No one outpizzas
the Hut. Wait, why does that sound so
familiar? Did we make that up? No way.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you
guys want to get Pizza Hut?
Good. It's good.
It's true.
The Huffington Post also got in on the
Smokey Toke today, posting, "Weed
insiders debate who would be the best
420 hang." Unfortunately, for some
reason, I don't understand, the article
only gave two options as to who people
would rather blaze up with. Trump or
Pope Leo.
Come on. That's a super easy call.
Obviously, we've all seen footage of the
Pope getting high.
He tried He tried.
He tried. He tried shoving a rolled up
towel under the door of the Sistine
Chapel, but we could tell. We knew what
was going on in there. Of course, uh I
got to say these days hitting a bong may
be the only way to understand Trump's
strategy with Iran. On Thursday, Israel
and Lebanon, this was Thursday,
>>
Israel and Lebanon agreed to a
ceasefire. So on Friday, Iran reopened
the straight of Hormuz. And yes, it was
already open before we started the war.
But I believe the real straight of
Hormuz was the friends we made along the
way.
I'm sorry. What's that? And I'm being
told we made no friends.
Trump immediately claimed victory,
posting, "Iran has agreed to never close
the Strait of Hormuz again." And they
never did until the next day when Iran
closed the Strait of Hormuz again.
Oh,
so close. So, what the hell happened?
Well, after Iran announced they were
opening the straight, they almost
immediately reversed course because the
US maintained its blockade of Iranian
ports. This leads me to the latest
installment of my apparently neverending
segment. Hormuse news you can use.
Both sides accuse.
Help us Ted Cruz.
Now
three. There's going to be a third top
three.
We should have known the ceasefire was
endangered what Trump said this Thursday
night.
>>
I don't want to be a wise guy. I don't
want to speak too soon, but we do very
well. You notice that we're doing very
well. And I will say the war in Iran is
going along swimmingly. We can do
whatever we want.
And it should be it should be ending
pretty soon. It was uh perfect. I mean,
it's perfect.
>>
Don't jinx it.
You can't talk like that until the
situation is fully resolved. He sounds
like a cop in an 80s movie one day from
retirement pointing at a picture on a
desk saying, "Yep, that's my daughter
Denise. And this summer, I'm going to
walk my little girl down the aisle.
Everything's going to be perfect." And
you know what occurs to me just now?
I've never said I love you to my son,
but tonight after my last shift,
I'm going to tell him, "Oh, what's that?
What do you know? It's him right now.
Hey, kiddo. Listen, I just wanted to
tell you something. You know what? It
can wait till tonight.
Okay, rookie. Let's head down that alley
and
better take off this heavy bulletproof
vest first.
Make a cozy fire, Helen, cuz it's going
to be 30 golden years up at the
lakehouse.
Trump did some Thank you. Yeah.
That's what I'm doing after the show.
Just going to do that.
Trump did some social media negotiating
with Iran, posting, "We're offering a
very fair and reasonable deal."
And I hope they take it because if they
don't, the United States is going to
knock out every single power plant,
every single bridge in Iran. No more Mr.
Nice Guy. Yes. Yes. He's important that
he said that because up till now Trump's
been known as Mr. Nice Guy.
In fact, he's mentioned over 30,000
times in the Nice Guy Files.
Last night,
38,000
38,000. That's over That's over 30,000.
That's what that is. LA just last night.
Last night, Trump announced he was
sending a crack negotiating team to
Pakistan and Vice President JD Vance is
expected to lead the delegation. Oh,
good.
Lots of friends in here.
It's good we're sending the guy who
screws up absolutely everything. It's
like hearing, "Uh, attention passengers.
Uh, looks like we got clear skies all
the way to Tampa. My co-pilot today is
Mr. Bean.
And there appears to be a bee in the
cockpit.
Feel free to get up and wander around.
On some level, even the president seems
to know that this has all the makings of
a disaster. According to the Wall Street
Journal, behind Trump's public bravado
on the war, he is privately grappling
with just how badly things could go
wrong. Not exactly confidence boosting.
Reminds me of that sign from Friday
Night Lights. Clear eyes, full hearts.
I'm kind of freaking out that we're all
going to die.
Coach still so cute.
Kissed him on the two. Yeah, the end.
This behind the scenes anxiety might
explain why Trump spent the entire
weekend posting deranged videos praising
himself like this one with a weird AI
narrator.
>>
This is what you voted for. So why are
you questioning every decision he makes
now that he's back in office? He knows
what he's doing. Maybe it's time to shut
the up and let him cook.
Forget the obscinities. Let him cook.
Always reassuring when you hear a world
leader use Gen Z slang. I'm reminded of
the immortal words of Mahatma Gandhi.
You must be the change you wish to see
in the world. Wow, fam. I ate with that.
No crumbs.
And he didn't eat much.
>>
He famously
>>
rarely ate with that.
Little lemon juice. But definitely the
most concerning post was this next one
where Trump with no comment and no
context tweeted an entire video of Frank
Sinatra singing My Way, which may I
remind you begins like this.
The end is near
and so I face
the final curtain.
>>
Okay, that's that's pretty ominous.
>>
We haven't heard a president sound that
bleak since Reagan.
>>
Mr. Gorbachev,
>>
I hurt myself today.
>>
Yeah, huge Trent Reznor fan. Huge Trent
Reznor fan.
It's tough weekend for FBI director Cash
Patel because on Friday, The Atlantic
published an expose that paints Patel as
erratic, suspicious of others, and prone
to excessive drinking, leading many at
the bureau to consider him a national
security vulnerability. Uh, I'm told, is
this true? We have obtained a photo of
Wray reading that report.
Yeah. The
they spelled my name right.
The Atlantic details Patel's uh alleged
boozing habits. Apparently he is known
to drink to the point of obvious
intoxication and it's so bad that
meetings and briefings have had to be
rescheduled for later in the day as a
result of his alcohol-fueled nights. But
being hung over, you boo all you want,
but being hung over is just normal for
FBI agents, as we learned in Silence of
the Lambs.
>>
Morning,
>>
Dr. Lectar. I need a blue Gatorade and a
bacon, egg, and cheese.
>>
Sounds pretty good. That'll be, baby.
That'll be right.
That's not all. On multiple occasions,
Wray's security team reportedly had
difficulty waking him because he was
seemingly intoxicated and once he was
unreachable behind locked doors, so they
had to request breaching equipment,
which is normally used by SWAT and
hostage rescue teams to quickly gain
entry to buildings. Wow. Breaching
equipment. I've been drunk,
but I've never been battering ram drunk.
I've never
I have never been so hung over. I needed
my alarm clock to be the jaws of life.
Well, like a drunk guy and lied at
McDonald's, Patel is fighting back. He
strongly
denies everything and he filed a lawsuit
against The Atlantic, which he announced
over the weekend on the Fox Front News.
>>
The results, I say, speak for
themselves. If the fake news mafia isn't
hitting you personally with baseless
information in Washington DC, then
you're not doing your job. Maria, I'm
happy to announce on your show that we
are not going to take this laying down.
>>
Yeah, they're not going to take this
laying down. They're going to take it
propped up in a recliner with a trash
can the roommate gave you just in case.
We got a great show for you tonight.
My guests are Don Cheadle and Jake
Tapper. Come back. Meanwhile,
for me. Yeah.
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