Watch and Learn - Iran To Trump: You're Losing | Condom Prices Are Up | Penis In The Sky

Welcome friends. Thank you very much .

Welcome everybody in here, out there,

all around the world to the Late Show.

I'm your host Stephen Colbert.

Let's uh

What do we got?

Oh, I know. [cheering]

First of all, uh happy Earth Day to all

who celebrate. I uh

I do. I I celebrate Earth Day. I grew up

on Earth. Uh

Technically, I still live

uh on Earth, but just just for tax

purposes. Um

Half the year I live on a moon base with

Conan O'Brien.

That's why he's so tall. This year

there's some positive Earth news out

there, which is nice. Recent studies

have found that rainforests can recover

from deforestation in mere decades.

Which I'm told is not news to anyone

who's ever gotten a Brazilian wax.

>> [cheering]

>> Speaking

>> [laughter]

>> Speaking of Brazil, uh

Iran.

Uh uh

Share a lot of the same letters.

Yesterday, Trump announced that he was

extending a ceasefire between the United

States and Iran hours before it was set

to expire. This time, he did not specify

an end date.

Huh.

You know what? I am I'm beginning to

think this war might not be over by

Memorial Day.

Which uh which reminds me, hold on 1

second. Okay. Let me just uh let me just

sign this uh box here. Uh

FedEx to A B C

care of Jim

Kimmel

>> [cheering]

>> Hollywood.

Enjoy buddy.

Coming to you. Can you get this in the

mail?

Get that in the mail. [cheering]

There we go. Huh.

>> [applause]

>> Woo.

Now [cheering]

>> [applause]

>> mere hours after Trump's ceasefire

extension, Iran seized two ships in the

Strait of Hormuz.

Which leads us to the segment that will

follow me to my grave.

Hormuz news you can use. [cheering]

Iran takes twos, we in deep do-doos.

>> [cheering]

>> The captured ships were two cargo

vessels named the MSC Francesca and the

Empaminondas.

Which is actually how I pronounce

empanadas after a night of drinking.

Oh, let's let's let's let's get some

Empaminondas.

Siri

Siri, Epaminondas near me.

Empaminondas with a green sauce.

And she's calling 911 again.

One Iranian official explained Trump's

ceasefire extension means nothing.

Adding, "The losing side cannot dictate

terms." Hey.

Hey buddy, we're America. We don't lose

wars.

We just leave them.

Now

Trump was not happy about Iran giving

him the Middle East finger. So last

night he rage posted, "Iran doesn't want

the Strait of Hormuz closed.

They want it open so they can make $500

million a day, which is therefore what

they are losing if it is closed.

They only say they want it per closed

because I have totally blockaded closed.

>> [laughter]

>> So they merely want to save face."

Sounds like someone just learned what

the word blockaded means.

He continued, "Iran, a country, wants to

save face thing over your skull, which

is why they're being stupid dumb, but

they will soon be filled with regret. I

don't know that one."

You know you know that.

With no clear exit for the US, it's no

surprise that according to several US

officials, the president wants out of

the increasingly unpopular war. In fact,

2/3 of Americans disapprove of Trump's

handling of the war with Iran, according

to a new NBC News Decision Desk poll

And I'm being told we have footage of

that survey in progress.

Guys, that's good [cheering] work.

>> [applause]

>> He does very good work.

By the way, I hear SurveyMonkey has an

on-again, off-again thing with

Mailchimp.

In response to his sinking poll numbers,

today Trump posted a New York Times

article praising The Apprentice's

ratings from April of 2004.

Always a tip-off that life isn't going

great for you when you start to brag

about something from 22 years ago.

You kids think dad's a loser? Well, I'll

have you know that back in high school

I once won two free tickets to see the

Spin Doctors in Anaheim

at the Grove.

>> [cheering]

>> This conflict needs to end soon, please,

because reportedly the world's top

condom maker is set to raise prices due

to the Iran war.

Forget the Strait of Hormuz. Now this

war has come to pound town.

The brand in question is called uh

Karex. I know Durex.

>> [laughter]

>> Karex sounds like the knockoff condoms

you found at the dollar store.

Uh uh the guy says they're the same. By

the way, are you allergic to vinyl

siding?

>> [laughter]

>> May contain traces of gypsum.

>> [laughter]

>> Here's what's going on, y'all. The war

in Iran has made Karex's raw materials

more expensive. So they plan to raise

prices by 20 to 30%.

Well, we're just going to have to find

alternatives to condoms. You know,

there's plenty. I remember back in

health class they said you could use a

banana peel.

I think I think that's what they said. I

know there was a banana on the teacher's

desk.

I was pretty high.

I ate the banana.

Karex also supplies prophylactics to

global aid programs run by the United

Nations. Ah yes, United Nations brand

condoms.

You know their slogan? YOU ARE THE

FATHER.

>> [laughter]

[applause]

>> SPEAKING OF CONDOMS, SEVERAL Finnish Air

Force pilots were disciplined for

drawing male genitalia in the sky

using their flight patterns. Let's take

a look.

Okay okay, I see it.

Wow, that's great work.

Uh oh, wow. We got a Top Gun there. Uh

and one more.

Okay.

>> [laughter]

>> I have notes on that one.

Cuz this this looks less like a penis

and more a pair of scissors or

maybe a cute skinny mouse.

If your penis looks like this, consult a

doctor

or an exterminator.

Should not have a tail. In in other

weenie news, there's an update on FBI

Director Kash Patel.

>> [cheering]

>> Seen here smelling what he dealt last

week.

Last week, The Atlantic published a

bombshell article that alleges Patel

gets drunk and passes out at work.

On Monday, he sued The Atlantic for

defamation, and yesterday he had a

chance to defend himself. Can you say

[clears throat] definitively that you

have not been intoxicated or absent

during your tenure as FBI director?

I can say unequivocally that I never

listen to the fake news mafia. And as

when they get louder, it just means I'm

doing my job. Uh that's not a no.

Sir

Sir, have you been drinking tonight?

Officer, I can say unequivocally that I

am just on the way to pick up my

Empaminondas.

>> [cheering]

>> Epam- Order, Siri.

Siri, drive car.

>> [applause]

>> By the way, this isn't the first time

Patel's had to try to go after someone

for saying he parties too hard. Last

year, he sued a former FBI official who

claimed he had been visible at

nightclubs far more than he had been at

the Bureau's headquarters. That's

ridiculous. I mean, he might have been

at nightclubs, but there's no way he's

visible.

The guy's not tall enough to see over

the bar.

>> [laughter]

>> One acorn cap full of alcohol, please.

Golly, that's a lot.

Someone should really take away the keys

to my snail.

Patel was also asked about an incident

described in the same Atlantic article

where he couldn't log into his FBI

computer and he panicked thinking that

it meant he had been fired. Explain the

computer login issue. Just explain the

computer login issue. You were not able

to log into the Your lawsuit contends

that you were not able to log into the

system. What did you think after you

were unable to log into the system?

Let's have a survey. How many of you

people believe that's true?

>> [cheering]

[applause]

>> Sorry.

uh go on. I've answered your question.

It's simply as follows. I was never

locked out of my systems. Anybody who

says any-

>> says the opposite. Your lawsuit contends

Anyone that says the opposite is lying.

Thank you.

>> [laughter]

>> Okay. So Kash says that anyone who says

that Kash was locked out of Kash's FBI

computer is lying, but the reporter

points out that in Cash's own lawsuit,

Kash says Kash was locked out of Kash's

FBI computer, so Cash is lying that the

reporter is lying about Cash, which

means hold on.

He has to leave the grain with the fox

before he can go get drunk with the

chicken.

We got a great show for you tonight.

My guests

are Pete Buttigieg

and Adam Schiff, but when we come back,

your chance

to be part of late show history.

>> [music and cheering]

>> Stick around.

>> [music]

[music]

[cheering]

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