Welcome friends and neighbors to
the
Late Show. I'm your host Stephen
Colbert.
>>
[cheering]
[cheering]
>>
Folks, I try to remember not to be in
Washington, D.C. as often as possible.
But there is certainly no time I am
there less than the weekend of the White
House Correspondents Dinner.
Which is why this Saturday I will again
not be.
>>
[cheering]
>>
But
But and it's a big but. But for reasons
that are not clear to me, many others
will.
If If you're not familiar with the White
House Correspondents Dinner, it is
traditionally a light-hearted night when
the press and politicians get together
and in my personal experience stare in
dead-eyed silence at the performer
while the president mentally orders a
hit by SEAL Team 6.
>>
[cheering]
>>
And this Saturday's dinner will be
historic because this for the first time
as President Donald Trump is attending
and reportedly in his remarks he's
planning to attack the press and target
publications he has accused of writing
negatively about his administration.
No.
All you reporters are enemies of the
people.
I hate you all.
And if you call me, I will pick up every
time.
Seriously, anytime. Night or day. I'm
telling I will do that.
>>
[cheering and applause]
>>
I will if I'm anywhere. If I'm on the
toilet, if I'm having dinner.
If I'm having dinner on the toilet,
okay?
That's a real time saver, folks.
The word is after he rips the press
corps a new one, Trump is going to
immediately leave so he will miss the
annual presentation of the press awards.
And I can understand why he's going to
dip because one of these awards, and
this is true, is going to go to Wall
Street Journal for its scoop about a
certain birthday pubic doodle
>>
[cheering]
>>
for Jeffrey Epstein.
>>
[applause]
>>
As well as another award for the
photojournalist who took this picture of
that time a man
had a medical emergency right there in
the Oval Office and Trump just stood
there like he was waiting for a bus.
>>
[laughter]
>>
It's so crazy that he didn't help.
Especially now that we know that he is a
DOCTOR.
He's right there.
>>
[cheering and applause]
>>
He was right there.
Nice. So nice. So generous. [applause]
Contrary to tradition, this year no one
will be roasting Trump because instead
of a comedian, the White House
Correspondents Association hired
mentalist Oz Pearlman.
Seen here foreseeing that you are not
going to like it when he honks your
boob.
>>
[laughter]
[laughter]
>>
Today Pearlman hinted that Trump won't
just be watching but participating in
his act saying "Reading Donald Trump's
mind is arguably the most impressive
thing
you could ever do."
Really?
Really reading his mind? When is he not
immediately just blurt it out whatever's
rattling around in his skull? I bet you
can't read my mind. What number am I
thinking of? Three.
>>
[laughter]
>>
Turning
Reading his mind. Okay. Okay.
Turning to the war with Iran, we have
breaking news.
>>
[music]
>>
That there is no breaking news.
In fact
there's nothing going. There are no
negotiations currently ongoing and Iran
says it is impossible to reopen the
Strait of Hormuz amid flagrant ceasefire
breaches and Trump has doubled down by
also closing the Strait of Hormuz
posting "We have total control over the
Strait of Hormuz. No ship can enter or
leave without the approval of the United
States Navy. It is sealed up tight until
such time as Iran is able to make a
deal."
>>
[laughter]
>>
He's saying the exact thing that they
are.
They're both saying the same thing. I'm
rubber and you're rubber.
>>
[laughter]
>>
We got two rubbers. Whatever bounces off
me then bounces off you then bounces off
me again and it goes back and forth like
that for a while. And I'm sure you're
asking shouldn't there also be glue in
this metaphor? No.
Because I sniffed it all.
High as a kite.
>>
[cheering]
>>
HIGH AS A
>>
[applause]
[cheering]
>>
DESPITE CLOSING THE STRAIT HIMSELF, TRUMP
is trying to clear out Iranian mines
that are out there. And also the
Iranians are putting boats out there to
lay some more mines and Trump has said
"I have ordered the United States Navy
to shoot and kill any boat."
>>
[laughter]
>>
Yes.
He said kill.
Sounds strange, but it was the plot every
week on the hit mystery series Murder,
She Wrote.
>>
[laughter]
>>
So good. Lansbury, amazing.
And in a phone call with Fox News?
In a phone call with Fox News, Trump
said about the war "People say I want to
get it over because of the midterms. Not
true. No timeframe. No rush." Yeah.
What's the rush? It's like General
Sherman famously said "War is chill."
Yeah just
>>
[applause and cheering]
>>
Take your time.
Take your time.
>>
[applause]
>>
You know who would like some kind of
timeframe for the end of the war?
Everyone else.
Because, thanks to Trump's blunder, the
world's biggest airlines are canceling
flights as they face jet fuel shortages
and rising prices. One carrier really
really affected by high fuel costs is
Spirit Airlines.
You know their slogan? Spirit Airlines,
you are allowed one carry-on to use as
the bathroom.
Yeah. You're not going to want to go in
there.
Spirit Spirit is on the verge of
liquidation but reportedly they're in
talks with the White House for a bailout
and if it goes through, the US could end
up owning 90% of the struggling budget
airline which led one analyst to say "I
guess it would be the Amtrak of the
skies."
Someone say Amtrak?
>>
[cheering]
>>
Hey.
>>
[applause and cheering]
>>
Hey. WHAT'S UP, BARACK?
>>
[cheering]
>>
He's a good guy.
Good guy. Someone say Amtrak? 'Cause I am
back Amtrak.
>>
[cheering]
>>
There's already an Amtrak in the sky.
It's called heaven. I'll be in the
dining car with Jesus Christ, Jimmy
Carter and one of the Captain Jammer
kids.
Other one's in hell. He killed a guy.
Come on, train.
>>
[laughter]
>>
Chill.
Oh no.
Chill. Oh, no.
>>
[applause]
[cheering]
>>
Barack.
>>
[applause]
[cheering]
[applause]
>>
There's an update.
There. [laughter]
is.
>>
[cheering]
>>
There's an update.
>>
[applause]
>>
There's an update about Health Secretary
RFK Jr. This week, Bobby has been
testifying before Congress about
slashing HHS's new budget. But before I
talk about that, I got to tell you that
according to a new book about him, he
once sliced off a dead raccoon's penis
while his wife and kids waited in the
minivan.
He took the genitals so he could, quote,
study them later.
Hmm.
Ah, yes. Day 20 of observing the raccoon
penis. It appears it appears that it is
still impossible to understand why I did
this.
>>
[cheering and applause]
[applause]
>>
Anyway, old Secretary Weenie Slicer is
in charge of your health, and yesterday
the Senate Finance Committee grilled him
about his role in recent measles
outbreaks. I'm not anti-vax. I've
never been anti-vax. I've always said
for 20 years I'm not anti-vaccine. Now
that statement right there is what
scientists call a lie 'cause
in the past. You can check the record.
>>
[cheering and applause]
>>
Do we check? We did. In the past, he's
falsely claimed that the measles vaccine
does not appear to provide maternal
immunity, includes aborted fetus debris,
and that protection from the vaccine
wanes very quickly. So he's claiming
he's pro-vaccine is a major U-turn, which
is also what Bobby does whenever he sees
a raccoon penis in the road.
>>
[applause]
>>
Get that minivan.
>>
[cheering]
>>
Jackknifes that minivan.
>>
[applause]
>>
Hey. [cheering]
>>
[applause]
>>
We're here.
Somebody beat me to it.
>>
[laughter]
>>
Obviously, he's trying to appear
reasonable in front of Congress just
there, which is a big ask for a man who
looks like he has a disease called the
teriyaki madness.
>>
[laughter]
>>
But the weirdest part of RFK Jr.'s
hearing wasn't what he said, it's what
he breathed. Listen to the health
secretary on the mic while being
questioned. Most significant things that
you have done among the many that you
described in your testimony.
In that context, uh,
>>
[cheering and applause]
>>
Is that a good sign when your
health secretary breathes like a walrus
snorting lobster bisque?
>>
[applause]
>>
If he sounds like a bear getting
autoerotic asphyxiated?
>>
[laughter]
>>
Like he's the first person in history to
need a CPAP while awake?
WOO!
YEAH!
Long-time viewers of The Late Show know
that sound means we have news about fish
doing drugs because
in a new study, salmon exposed to
cocaine traveled almost two times
farther per week than the control group.
And they were three times more likely to
start a band.
>>
[laughter]
>>
Here's the scientific way they got
the fish cranked on the powder.
Researchers took 105 wild Atlantic
salmon, exposed them to cocaine, then
tracked their movements.
And I believe we're, I'm told, we have a
statement from the leading scientist.
Say hello to my little fish.
We got a great show for you tonight.
My guests are Senator [music]
Elizabeth [cheering] Warren
and
musician Michael Stipe. When we come
back, I will reveal my [cheering] big
post-Late Show plans. [music]
Join us.
>>
[cheering]
[music]
[music]
[music]
[cheering]
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