Watch and Learn - Watching Trump Eat McDonald's | Racist Young Republicans | Why Mike Johnson Won't Seat Rep. Grijalva

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Welcome one and all

friends, Romans, countrymen to the late

friends Romans countrymen to the late

show. I'm your host Steven Colbert.

show I'm your host Steven Colbert

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen

we are, check your check your calendars.

we are check your check your calendars

We are almost 9 months into the second

Trump presidency. And,

Trump presidency And

[Applause]

Applause

after after I agree cuz after 9 months

it feels like we're about to give birth

to an unvaccinated porcupine.

to an unvaccinated porcupine

Wow.

Wow

>> Just

every day he finds disturbing new ways

to undermine our norms. Today we got a

to undermine our norms Today we got a

humdinger of a dinger because the RNC

chair spilled on the wild way Trump eats.

chair spilled on the wild way Trump eats

his McDonald's order.

his McDonald's order

not by mouth

is it is it with his neck?

is it is it with his neck

[Applause]

Applause

Now the man

the man

the man who saw Trump eat and live to,

the man who saw Trump eat and live to

tell the tale is RNC chair and shaved

groundhog Joe

[Applause]

Applause

Gruters. Mr. Gruters was on some podcast

Gruters Mr Gruters was on some podcast

where he spilled the McBeans about our

Mc president.

Mc president

>> So when he gets on the plane on one

visit when I was with him, he had hot

visit when I was with him he had hot

fries waiting for him for McDonald's and

I got my fries at my chair, but he had

I got my fries at my chair but he had

his fries handed to him right when he

got on the plane.

got on the plane

>> Yes, he needs his McDonald's fresh and

>> Yes he needs his McDonald's fresh and

piping hot. And he apparently pulls his

piping hot And he apparently pulls his

fillet of fish straight out of the

fryer, which is why his hand looks like

fryer which is why his hand looks like

that.

that

But can't wait.

But can't wait

But the true insanity came when the

conversation turned to how the president

likes to consume his entrees.

likes to consume his entrees

>> And then he had a Filet-O-Fish, a

>> And then he had a Filet-O-Fish a

quarter pounder, and a Big Mac. And I

quarter pounder and a Big Mac And I

think he combined two of them.

think he combined two of them

>> Now that sounds unappealing,

>> Now that sounds unappealing

but in fact, it's an homage to

but in fact it's an homage to

McDonaldland's shortlived character,

McDonaldland's shortlived character

Phil Big Mac Fish Pounder.

Phil Big Mac Fish Pounder

You might remember if you're if you're

old enough,

old enough

if you're old enough, you might remember

if you're old enough you might remember

his great catchphrase, "I'm an affront to

his great catchphrase I'm an affront to

God."

God

>> Catchphrase.

>> Catchphrase

>> I can't I can't help but feel for

everyone who has to fly with the

president. Imagine being stuck on a

president Imagine being stuck on a

12-hour flight with an old man hotboxing

you with filet-o farts. I'm

you with filet-o farts I'm

and was, I'm told this is true. I'm told

and was I'm told this is true I'm told

we have a clip of an Air Force One

flight attendant watching Trump eat.

flight attendant watching Trump eat

[Applause]

Applause

He's not.

He's not

That's the light part of tonight's

monologue.

monologue

When he's not crossbreeding menu items,

When he's not crossbreeding menu items

Trump is continuing his war on American

cities. Yesterday he threatened Boston

cities Yesterday he threatened Boston

after he was asked about the city,

after he was asked about the city

hosting, uh, games in the upcoming World

hosting uh games in the upcoming World

Cup.

Cup

>> Are you going to work with or try and

work with the mayor of Boston? They have

work with the mayor of Boston They have

several World Cup games. Um, could those

several World Cup games Um could those

games move to cities that do work with

>> We could take them away.

>> We could take them away

>> Great job, reporter.

>> Great job reporter

>> Stop giving the man horrible new ideas.

>> Stop giving the man horrible new ideas

Mr. President, would you ever consider

Mr President would you ever consider

starting a national baby fight pit where

babies battle with tiny knives and

the winning baby has to fight a sleep-deprived

chicken?

chicken

Would you do that in Boston?

Would you do that in Boston

Uh, no, Trump can't legally change World

Uh no Trump can't legally change World

Cup locations because it's up to FIFA to

choose the sites, and they can't be

choose the sites and they can't be

pressured by Trump is what I would have

said before I found out that Trump has

hosted FIFA president Gianni Infantino

at the White House multiple times, and

at the White House multiple times and

also invited Infantino to the Global

Summit in Egypt to discuss the Gaza

ceasefire deal. Now, it might surprise

ceasefire deal Now it might surprise

some people to have a sports figure at a

peace summit, but remember the key

peace summit but remember the key

negotiator at the Camp David Accords,

negotiator at the Camp David Accords

was the Philly fanatic.

was the Philly fanatic

He got part of

that peace prize.

that peace prize

There's a, uh, there's a disturbing story

There's a uh there's a disturbing story

you might have heard of, uh, today from

you might have heard of uh today from

the GOP organization, uh, Young

the GOP organization uh Young

Republicans. Politico obtained thousands

Republicans Politico obtained thousands

of private messages from young GOP

leaders across the country full of

offensive rhetoric. Okay, look, I know

offensive rhetoric Okay look I know

politics can be rough and tumble, but

politics can be rough and tumble but

how offensive could these texts be? I

how offensive could these texts be I

mean, it's not like they wrote, "I like

mean it's not like they wrote I like

Hitler," because they wrote, "I love

Hitler because they wrote I love

Hitler."

Hitler

That's a tough one to spin.

That's a tough one to spin

What? I was talking about Pete Hitler

What I was talking about Pete Hitler

and his honky-tonk bluegrass band.

and his honky-tonk bluegrass band

You're telling me there's another

Hitler? What did he do? What?

Hitler What did he do What

Well, that doesn't sound honky-tonk at

Well that doesn't sound honky-tonk at

all.

all

That's just one example of 2,900 pages of

That's just one example of 2900 pages of

texts.

texts

>> These young Republicans also text each

other an array of slurs, jokes about

other an array of slurs jokes about

enslavement, disparaging comments about

enslavement disparaging comments about

Jews, women, Black people, and other

Jews women Black people and other

minorities. And they knew it was bad 'cause

minorities And they knew it was bad 'cause

one of them also texted, "If we ever had

one of them also texted If we ever had

a leak of this chat, we would be cooked

a leak of this chat we would be cooked

for real. For real."

for real For real

But J.D. Vance does not think we should be

But JD Vance does not think we should be

bothered about their antics. J.D. Vance

bothered about their antics JD Vance

said kids do stupid things, especially

said kids do stupid things especially

young boys.

young boys

No, folks, no. It's true. When I was in

No folks no It's true When I was in

Cub Scouts, about 10 years old, me and my

Cub Scouts about 10 years old me and my

troop invaded Poland.

troop invaded Poland

[Applause]

Applause

>> One. Yeah, it did not go well. One, one

>> One Yeah it did not go well One one

problem with Vance's logic here about

the young boys, despite their name,

the young boys despite their name

Young Republicans, uh, to be a member of

Young Republicans uh to be a member of

the group, you have to be at least 18.

the group you have to be at least 18

And some members are up to 40 years old.

And some members are up to 40 years old

>> 'Cause nothing says young like getting your

first routine colonoscopy.

first routine colonoscopy

Take a look.

Take a look

They found out who these people were.

They found out who these people were

right?

right

That's right. They ran down who

That's right They ran down who

these people were. Take a look at

these people were Take a look at

who's part of the slur-palooza. There's

who's part of the slur-palooza There's

a guy whose girlfriend is a limited

edition Magic: The Gathering card.

edition Magic: The Gathering card

The Pillsbury Proud Boy,

The Pillsbury Proud Boy

raccoon watching you fail to secure your

garbage can.

garbage can

and Gimli son of Groin.

and Gimli son of Groin

Now, naturally,

Now naturally

naturally, this leak has led to a lot of

naturally this leak has led to a lot of

anger, which in turn has led to a lot of

anger which in turn has led to a lot of

really weak apologies, like this one

really weak apologies like this one

from New York Republican chairman Bobby

Walker. There is no excuse for the

Walker There is no excuse for the

language and tone in messages attributed

to me. I sincerely apologize, but added

to me I sincerely apologize but added

portions of the chat may have been

altered, taken out of context, or

altered taken out of context or

otherwise manipulated.

otherwise manipulated

[Applause]

Applause

That's not an apology. That's like

That's not an apology That's like

saying, "Your honor, I plead guilty of

saying Your honor I plead guilty of

looking great in this orange jumpsuit

and to murder."

and to murder

In news you might have missed, uh,

In news you might have missed uh

there's no federal government. Still,

there's no federal government Still

still shut down.

still shut down

>> Still shut down. Still shut down.

>> Still shut down Still shut down

Republicans are refusing to cut a deal

with the Democrats to fund healthcare.

with the Democrats to fund healthcare

And they're also refusing to do other

parts of their job, like swearing in

parts of their job like swearing in

Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva,

Representative-elect Adelita Grijalva

who won a special election in Arizona

almost a month ago. Speaker Mike Johnson

almost a month ago Speaker Mike Johnson

says he won't swear in until the House

is back in session after the government

shutdown ends. Nope. Those two things

shutdown ends Nope Those two things

have nothing to do with each other.

have nothing to do with each other

Thus, I saying, "Hey man, I'd love to

Thus I saying Hey man I'd love to

come to your child's clarinet recital,

come to your child's clarinet recital

but you know, Toyota Thon.

but you know Toyota Thon

What am I going to do?" And after that

What am I going to do And after that

it's Happy Honda Days.

it's Happy Honda Days

Then it's CrabFest.

Then it's CrabFest

Oh, there was some teeny-tiny progress

Oh there was some teeny-tiny progress

yesterday when Grijalva got the keys to

her congressional office, which seemed

her congressional office which seemed

like a good start. But when she got

like a good start But when she got

there, she found it has no internet, no

there she found it has no internet no

phone lines, and no computers. Honestly,

phone lines and no computers Honestly

dream office.

dream office

Just, I promise you. Just add

Just I promise you Just add

Oh. Oh,

Oh Oh

just, just add a weighted blanket and a

just just add a weighted blanket and a

tub of Duncan Hines chocolate frosting.

tub of Duncan Hines chocolate frosting

I'll move in tonight.

I'll move in tonight

Grijalva's seat was, uh, was already blue, so

Grijalva's seat was uh was already blue so

why are they dragging their feet? Well,

why are they dragging their feet Well

one reason could be that the president

was best buds with the world's most

notorious pedophile. And once she's

notorious pedophile And once she's

seated, Grijalva would be the final

seated Grijalva would be the final

signatory needed to force a vote to

release the Epstein files, which means

release the Epstein files which means

which means her signature would be even

worse for Donald Trump than this one.

worse for Donald Trump than this one

Uh, moving over to the Pentagon, aka the

Uh moving over to the Pentagon aka the

Department of Defense, aka the War

Department of Defense aka the War

Department, aka the Department of

Department aka the Department of

Bingstrong, Protein Powder, Macho Dudes,

Bingstrong Protein Powder Macho Dudes

Do You Love Me Now, Dads.

Do You Love Me Now Dads

Pete Hegseth put together a strict new set

of rules for journalists, a 21-page

of rules for journalists a 21-page

agreement that gives the Pentagon

approval rights over anything reporters

publish, and threatened that any news

publish and threatened that any news

organization that did not sign by 5:00

yesterday would be kicked out. Well, the

yesterday would be kicked out Well the

deadline has passed, and so far all the

deadline has passed and so far all the

major media outlets have declined to

sign.

sign

It is nice.

It is nice

Yeah.

Yeah

There you go.

There you go

Including Hegseth's former employer, Fox

Including Hegseth's former employer Fox

News.

News

Keep in mind, he did his work there. He

Keep in mind he did his work there He

was weekend anchor on Fox & Friends

was weekend anchor on Fox Friends

and they won't sign his own agreement.

and they won't sign his own agreement

That has got to hurt for Hegseth though

not as much as this skateboard academy

thinking.

thinking

[Applause]

Applause

>> Fox News isn't the only MAGA media

outlet standing up to Heg. Newsmax also

outlet standing up to Heg Newsmax also

says they will not sign the Pentagon

rules document. Newsmax is out. They are

rules document Newsmax is out They are

the kookiest, kookiest MAGA conspiracy

the kookiest kookiest MAGA conspiracy

dingdongs out there. So far, it's only

dingdongs out there So far it's only

two, right? So far, the only two news

two right So far the only two news

groups that signed on are O and

Screaming Pantsless Man on Drain Weekly.

Screaming Pantsless Man on Drain Weekly

Weekly.

Weekly

>> Never miss an issue. Never miss an

>> Never miss an issue Never miss an

issue.

issue

You won't know what he's screaming next

week.

week

Why is Hegseth trying so hard to crack

down on the free press? Well, one former

down on the free press Well one former

adviser says that for months now, Hegseth

adviser says that for months now Hegseth

has been consumed by the rampant leaks

escaping the Department of Defense,

escaping the Department of Defense

adding, "If you look at a pie chart of

adding If you look at a pie chart of

the Secretary's day, at this point, 50%

the Secretary's day at this point 50

of it is probably a leak investigation."

of it is probably a leak investigation

Yes. And in fact, we actually have this

Yes And in fact we actually have this

pie chart. It's 50% leak investigations.

pie chart It's 50 leak investigations

Then he drinks a whiskey drink. He

Then he drinks a whiskey drink He

drinks a vodka drink. He drinks a lager

drinks a vodka drink He drinks a lager

drink. He drinks a cider drink. Now, we

drink He drinks a cider drink Now we

got a great show for you tonight. I'll

got a great show for you tonight I'll

be talking to the star of the Black AC

when we come back. Anderson Cooper 360.

when we come back Anderson Cooper 360

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Music

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