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Welcome, welcome to the late show
Welcome
welcome
to
the
late
show
everybody. I'm your host Steven Colbert
everybody
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbert
and I want to welcome everybody tonight
and
I
want
to
welcome
everybody
tonight
and I welcome you to our continuing
and
I
welcome
you
to
our
continuing
coverage of Trump Smash 25. This this
coverage
of
Trump
Smash
25
This
this
week on Trump Smash, what Trump Smash is
week
on
Trump
Smash
what
Trump
Smash
is
East Wing of White House. Why? Why
East
Wing
of
White
House
Why
Why
Trump smash? For his ridiculous
Trump
smash
For
his
ridiculous
ballroom. As of this morning, the East
ballroom
As
of
this
morning
the
East
Wing looked like a rotisserie chicken
Wing
looked
like
a
rotisserie
chicken
your dog got into.
your
dog
got
into
That is very upsetting to look at. I
That
is
very
upsetting
to
look
at
I
realize that and and you know the
realize
that
and
and
you
know
the
administration knows that because today
administration
knows
that
because
today
the Secret Service closed access to the
the
Secret
Service
closed
access
to
the
Ellipse, which is a public park
Ellipse
which
is
a
public
park
from which journalists had been
from
which
journalists
had
been
capturing live images of the East Wing
capturing
live
images
of
the
East
Wing
demolition. Well, that makes sense. If
demolition
Well
that
makes
sense
If
none of it's on camera, they can just
none
of
it's
on
camera
they
can
just
claim the East Wing hung itself in
claim
the
East
Wing
hung
itself
in
prison.
prison
Now, a lot of I got something. I got
Now
a
lot
of
I
got
something
I
got
something. There you go.
something
There
you
go
A lot of history, a lot of history being
A
lot
of
history
a
lot
of
history
being
smashed to rubble uh there. First built
smashed
to
rubble
uh
there
First
built
in 1902, the East Wing has been the
in
1902
the
East
Wing
has
been
the
headquarters for presidential spouses
headquarters
for
presidential
spouses
since the Carter administration. In
since
the
Carter
administration
In
fact, Melania was in the East Wing and I
fact
Melania
was
in
the
East
Wing
and
I
certainly hope they got her out of there
certainly
hope
they
got
her
out
of
there
because she is often mistaken for a
because
she
is
often
mistaken
for
a
beautiful floor lamp. Preservationists
beautiful
floor
lamp
Preservationists
have have tried in vain to stop this.
have
have
tried
in
vain
to
stop
this
The National Trust for Historic
The
National
Trust
for
Historic
Preservation requested a pause in the
Preservation
requested
a
pause
in
the
demolition, urging the White House to
demolition
urging
the
White
House
to
quote, "go through the legally required
quote
go
through
the
legally
required
public review process and to invite
public
review
process
and
to
invite
comment from the public." I I've got a
comment
from
the
public
I
I've
got
a
comment. I'll I'll mail it in right
comment
I'll
I'll
mail
it
in
right
here.
here
Damn it.
Damn
it
[Applause]
Applause
Former staffers and first ladies from
Former
staffers
and
first
ladies
from
both sides of the aisle are pretty upset
both
sides
of
the
aisle
are
pretty
upset
about this. Penny Adams, who was Pat
about
this
Penny
Adams
who
was
Pat
Nixon's uh staff in the 1970s, put it
Nixon's
uh
staff
in
the
1970s
put
it
this way. I literally cried as I could
this
way
I
literally
cried
as
I
could
see my old office window. She said in an
see
my
old
office
window
She
said
in
an
interview with East Wing Magazine. Sorry.
interview
with
East
Wing
Magazine
Sorry
Used to be East Wing Magazine. Now it's
Used
to
be
East
Wing
Magazine
Now
it's
better holes than garbage.
better
holes
than
garbage
In addition to the first lady's offices,
In
addition
to
the
first
lady's
offices
the East Wing also held the East
the
East
Wing
also
held
the
East
colonnade, the family movie theater, the
colonnade
the
family
movie
theater
the
office of legislative affairs, the white
office
of
legislative
affairs
the
white
house military office, and the white
house
military
office
and
the
white
House Calligraphers' office. When
House
Calligraphers'
office
When
reached for comment, the White House
reached
for
comment
the
White
House
Calligraphers released this statement.
Calligraphers
released
this
statement
Beautifully done.
Beautifully
done
Trump has received a lot of money from
Trump
has
received
a
lot
of
money
from
his bald bogle from groveling
his
bald
bogle
from
groveling
corporations like Amazon, Apple,
corporations
like
Amazon
Apple
Comcast, Google, Microsoft, T-Mobile,
Comcast
Google
Microsoft
T-Mobile
Meta Platforms, and Hard Rock
Meta
Platforms
and
Hard
Rock
International.
International
Yes, the Hard Rock. So, guests of the
Yes
the
Hard
Rock
So
guests
of
the
ballroom will get to see all the great
ballroom
will
get
to
see
all
the
great
rock and roll presidential memorabilia
rock
and
roll
presidential
memorabilia
like Bill Clinton Sachs and Nixon's
like
Bill
Clinton
Sachs
and
Nixon's
Cane.
Cane
Trump needs all the cash he can get. He
Trump
needs
all
the
cash
he
can
get
He
repeatedly said that this ballroom would
repeatedly
said
that
this
ballroom
would
cost $200 million, but now he's saying
cost
200
million
but
now
he's
saying
it's $30 million, which is going to buy
it's
30
million
which
is
going
to
buy
a lot of ballroom. Just take a look at
a
lot
of
ballroom
Just
take
a
look
at
this scale model. It's going to be
this
scale
model
It's
going
to
be
bigger than the White House itself. It's
bigger
than
the
White
House
itself
It's
going to be 90,000 square feet. 90,000
going
to
be
90000
square
feet
90000
is about the same size as a professional
is
about
the
same
size
as
a
professional
soccer field. So remember, corporations,
soccer
field
So
remember
corporations
as you bribe the president, no hands.
as
you
bribe
the
president
no
hands
Speaking of things that cost too much,
Speaking
of
things
that
cost
too
much
we got there. We got there eventually.
we
got
there
We
got
there
eventually
Got to that joke.
Got
to
that
joke
>> Speaking of things that cost too much,
>>
Speaking
of
things
that
cost
too
much
beef.
beef
Thanks in part to Trump's tariffs, the
Thanks
in
part
to
Trump's
tariffs
the
cost of all meats are skyrocketing.
cost
of
all
meats
are
skyrocketing
According to the Bureau of Labor
According
to
the
Bureau
of
Labor
Statistics or BLS, beef prices beef
Statistics
or
BLS
beef
prices
beef
prices are up nearly 14% in the past
prices
are
up
nearly
14
in
the
past
year and that covers nearly every cut in
year
and
that
covers
nearly
every
cut
in
the meat sector. Steak prices are 16.6%
the
meat
sector
Steak
prices
are
166
higher. Beef roasts are up 13.6%. Even
higher
Beef
roasts
are
up
136
Even
ground beef prices are up 12.8%. Can you
ground
beef
prices
are
up
128
Can
you
imagine how expensive that beef would be
imagine
how
expensive
that
beef
would
be
if it didn't fall on the ground?
if
it
didn't
fall
on
the
ground
Luckily,
Luckily
Luckily for consumers,
Luckily
for
consumers
Donald Trump is a beef-based organism.
Donald
Trump
is
a
beef-based
organism
So, he plans to lower prices himself by
So
he
plans
to
lower
prices
himself
by
quadrupling the amount of beef we buy
quadrupling
the
amount
of
beef
we
buy
from Argentina to 80,000 metric tons of
from
Argentina
to
80000
metric
tons
of
beef. To put that in perspective, here's
beef
To
put
that
in
perspective
here's
a photo of 80,000 metric tons of beef.
a
photo
of
80000
metric
tons
of
beef
Oh.
Oh
Oh.
Oh
Oh. Oh, I'm I'm so hot I fell over.
Oh
Oh
I'm
I'm
so
hot
I
fell
over
Where?
Where
Uh-oh. Where'd my shirt go?
Uh-oh
Where'd
my
shirt
go
American ranchers.
American
ranchers
I'm just jealous. That's all I am.
I'm
just
jealous
That's
all
I
am
American ranchers have been clear that
American
ranchers
have
been
clear
that
importing this much foreign beef could
importing
this
much
foreign
beef
could
crush their industry. They are not
crush
their
industry
They
are
not
happy. To put that in agricultural
happy
To
put
that
in
agricultural
terminology, the cow says boo.
terminology
the
cow
says
boo
Cowboy
Cowboy
free cancelled.
free
cancelled
>> No.
>>
No
Okay,
Okay
there's an update on the jewel heist
there's
an
update
on
the
jewel
heist
from the Lou this weekend. As you'll
from
the
Lou
this
weekend
As
you'll
recall, thieves stole priceless jewelry
recall
thieves
stole
priceless
jewelry
from the Louv in a 7-minute raid. I say
from
the
Louv
in
a
7-minute
raid
I
say
priceless, but museum officials have
priceless
but
museum
officials
have
announced that the jewels are estimated
announced
that
the
jewels
are
estimated
to be worth $12 million. With that kind
to
be
worth
12
million
With
that
kind
of money, you could buy a third of a
of
money
you
could
buy
a
third
of
a
ballroom.
ballroom
Reportedly,
Reportedly
Reportedly,
Reportedly
the thieves broke into the second floor
the
thieves
broke
into
the
second
floor
of the gallery using a truckmounted
of
the
gallery
using
a
truckmounted
ladder. And there is there's newly
ladder
And
there
is
there's
newly
released video of them making their
released
video
of
them
making
their
lightning quick escape. Look at them go.
lightning
quick
escape
Look
at
them
go
French officials have even released this
French
officials
have
even
released
this
photo of their getaway car. It's the
photo
of
their
getaway
car
It's
the
cops Escargot. No, we also really
cops
Escargot
No
we
also
really
we had we had a big debate after
we
had
we
had
a
big
debate
after
rehearsal tonight. I'm like that that
rehearsal
tonight
I'm
like
that
that
joke means nothing.
joke
means
nothing
Yes, they eat snails, but why would it
Yes
they
eat
snails
but
why
would
it
be fast? It's the snails are slow. Why
be
fast
It's
the
snails
are
slow
Why
would I?
would
I
[Applause]
Applause
>> Just goes to show I don't know what the
>>
Just
goes
to
show
I
don't
know
what
the
I'm doing.
I'm
doing
recalled.
recalled
We also just learned that no security
We
also
just
learned
that
no
security
cameras were monitoring the second floor
cameras
were
monitoring
the
second
floor
balcony where the suspects entered the
balcony
where
the
suspects
entered
the
museum. And shockingly, it turns out
museum
And
shockingly
it
turns
out
Louvre security guards are unarmed.
Louvre
security
guards
are
unarmed
In lighter news,
In
lighter
news
>> it's a family joke. That's a family
>>
it's
a
family
joke
That's
a
family
joke. In lighter news, the machines are
joke
In
lighter
news
the
machines
are
rising up to subjugate us in their
rising
up
to
subjugate
us
in
their
beryllium mines and grind our bones into
beryllium
mines
and
grind
our
bones
into
lubricant. Their latest target appears
lubricant
Their
latest
target
appears
to be your paycheck cuz we just learned
to
be
your
paycheck
cuz
we
just
learned
that Amazon plans to replace more than
that
Amazon
plans
to
replace
more
than
half a million jobs with robots.
half
a
million
jobs
with
robots
No, we knew this was coming. That's why
No
we
knew
this
was
coming
That's
why
they call it Prime Day because your job
they
call
it
Prime
Day
because
your
job
will be taken by Optimus Prime.
will
be
taken
by
Optimus
Prime
He becomes a truck and then loads
He
becomes
a
truck
and
then
loads
himself.
himself
The news of Amazon's plan comes from a
The
news
of
Amazon's
plan
comes
from
a
cache of internal strategy documents
cache
of
internal
strategy
documents
viewed by the New York Times. Wow,
viewed
by
the
New
York
Times
Wow
that's the kind of scoop you used to get
that's
the
kind
of
scoop
you
used
to
get
at the Washington Post. If only Bezos
at
the
Washington
Post
If
only
Bezos
hadn't changed their slogan from
hadn't
changed
their
slogan
from
Democracy dies in darkness to 20% off
Democracy
dies
in
darkness
to
20
off
next-day delivery of six-pack men's
next-day
delivery
of
six-pack
men's
ankle socks.
ankle
socks
According to that, it's a good deal, though.
According
to
that
it's
a
good
deal
though
>> 20% off.
>>
20
off
>> I love a good ankle sock.
>>
I
love
a
good
ankle
sock
According to the documents, in order to
According
to
the
documents
in
order
to
calm the worried workers, Amazon is
calm
the
worried
workers
Amazon
is
avoiding terms like automation and
avoiding
terms
like
automation
and
instead will be using terms like
instead
will
be
using
terms
like
advanced technology. And to imply the AI
advanced
technology
And
to
imply
the
AI
workforce will collaborate with humans,
workforce
will
collaborate
with
humans
they will replace the word robot with
they
will
replace
the
word
robot
with
cobot.
cobot
And instead of calling all that
And
instead
of
calling
all
that
I will call it advanced
I
will
call
it
advanced
livestock but derivative.
livestock
but
derivative
The
The
>> internet come on internet. A lot of
>>
internet
come
on
internet
A
lot
of
words tonight. whole lot of words.
words
tonight
whole
lot
of
words
The internet is abuzz with news that
The
internet
is
abuzz
with
news
that
Earth now has two moons. You know what
Earth
now
has
two
moons
You
know
what
that means? Double werewolves.
that
means
Double
werewolves
And for women, double periods, which
And
for
women
double
periods
which
[Applause]
Applause
according to my middle school health
according
to
my
middle
school
health
class, will attract the double
class
will
attract
the
double
werewolves.
werewolves
The new so-called moon is technically a
The
new
so-called
moon
is
technically
a
chunk of space rock captured by Earth's
chunk
of
space
rock
captured
by
Earth's
orbit called asteroid 2025 PN7, which
orbit
called
asteroid
2025
PN7
which
according to scientists is actually a
according
to
scientists
is
actually
a
quasi moon 'cause it's only 18 to 36 m
quasi
moon
'cause
it's
only
18
to
36
m
wide, about the height of a small
wide
about
the
height
of
a
small
building. That's not much of a moon.
building
That's
not
much
of
a
moon
These researchers sound a little
These
researchers
sound
a
little
desperate for attention. Hey everybody,
desperate
for
attention
Hey
everybody
we found another moon. While I got you,
we
found
another
moon
While
I
got
you
did you know our funding's been cut? For
did
you
know
our
funding's
been
cut
For
just 10 bucks a month, we'll say you're
just
10
bucks
a
month
we'll
say
you're
a moon.
a
moon
This, of course, has huge implications.
This
of
course
has
huge
implications
This has huge implications that could
This
has
huge
implications
that
could
rewrite our entire understanding of our
rewrite
our
entire
understanding
of
our
place in the solar system. But mostly,
place
in
the
solar
system
But
mostly
it's going to rewrite the song.
it's
going
to
rewrite
the
song
>> Fly me to the moon. No, I mean the other
>>
Fly
me
to
the
moon
No
I
mean
the
other
moon.
moon
Not that brand new little moon. I mean
Not
that
brand
new
little
moon
I
mean
our normal moon.
our
normal
moon
In other words,
In
other
words
I'm confused.
I'm
confused
In other words,
In
other
words
extra moon.
extra
moon
[Applause]
Applause
[Music]
Music
Got a great show for you tonight. My
Got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My
guests are Ben Stellar and Titaro. But
guests
are
Ben
Stellar
and
Titaro
But
when we come back, you are beautiful.
when
we
come
back
you
are
beautiful
It's meanwile.
It's
meanwile
[Applause]
Applause
[Music]
Music
[Applause]
Applause
[Music]
Music
[Applause]
Applause
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