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[Applause]
Applause
Welcome one and all to the late show.
Welcome
one
and
all
to
the
late
show
I'm your host Steven Colbear. Ladies and
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbear
Ladies
and
gentlemen,
gentlemen
folks, you know this. Yeah, you I'm sure
folks
you
know
this
Yeah
you
I'm
sure
you know this. With Donald Trump as
you
know
this
With
Donald
Trump
as
president, there are days that make you
president
there
are
days
that
make
you
go whoa.
go
whoa
And and there are days that make you go,
And
and
there
are
days
that
make
you
go
"Oh my god." And then there are days
Oh
my
god
And
then
there
are
days
that make you go, "Whoa, my god."
that
make
you
go
Whoa
my
god
Today was one of those days. In fact,
Today
was
one
of
those
days
In
fact
the lighthearted story to start our
the
lighthearted
story
to
start
our
monologue tonight is that it looks like
monologue
tonight
is
that
it
looks
like
the federal government, which is
the
federal
government
which
is
entirely controlled by the Republican
entirely
controlled
by
the
Republican
party, is going to shut down in about 20
party
is
going
to
shut
down
in
about
20
minutes. Uh, anything
minutes
Uh
anything
let me know. Let me know if anything
let
me
know
Let
me
know
if
anything
changes, okay? If so, it will cut a lot
changes
okay
If
so
it
will
cut
a
lot
of important services and put a lot of
of
important
services
and
put
a
lot
of
people out of work, but not everyone.
people
out
of
work
but
not
everyone
Air traffic controllers and most TSA
Air
traffic
controllers
and
most
TSA
employees are considered essential
employees
are
considered
essential
workers and have to stay on the job,
workers
and
have
to
stay
on
the
job
even if that means working without pay,
even
if
that
means
working
without
pay
which of course,
which
of
course
which is perfect for anyone who's ever
which
is
perfect
for
anyone
who's
ever
said, "I just wish this TSA worker
said
I
just
wish
this
TSA
worker
groping my drunk was also angry
groping
my
drunk
was
also
angry
like plucking an orange." Now,
like
plucking
an
orange
Now
the the darker story uh this evening
the
the
darker
story
uh
this
evening
involves Defense Secretary Pete Hegth.
involves
Defense
Secretary
Pete
Hegth
Today, Heges gathered our top generals.
Today
Heges
gathered
our
top
generals
That was a little late.
That
was
a
little
late
Today, he gathered our top generals down
Today
he
gathered
our
top
generals
down
to Quantico for an unusual speech.
to
Quantico
for
an
unusual
speech
Here's how one military analyst
Here's
how
one
military
analyst
described it. Here's
described
it
Here's
what happened. I like the new uniforms.
what
happened
I
like
the
new
uniforms
Here's what happened.
Here's
what
happened
Last Thursday, Hegathth called hundreds
Last
Thursday
Hegathth
called
hundreds
of generals and admirals from all over
of
generals
and
admirals
from
all
over
the world from their very important jobs
the
world
from
their
very
important
jobs
in for a meeting in Virginia. The event
in
for
a
meeting
in
Virginia
The
event
was live streamed, but Hegth was dead
was
live
streamed
but
Hegth
was
dead
set on getting everyone in the same
set
on
getting
everyone
in
the
same
room. According to one source, it's
room
According
to
one
source
it's
meant to be an eyeball to eyeball kind
meant
to
be
an
eyeball
to
eyeball
kind
of conversations. He wants to see the
of
conversations
He
wants
to
see
the
generals. Okay, that's it. The male
generals
Okay
that's
it
The
male
loneliness epidemic has gone too far.
loneliness
epidemic
has
gone
too
far
Join join a bowling league for Pete's
Join
join
a
bowling
league
for
Pete's
sake.
sake
Once the meeting started, Hexath
Once
the
meeting
started
Hexath
emphasized that our leaders needed a
emphasized
that
our
leaders
needed
a
hyper serious nononsense approach to war
hyper
serious
nononsense
approach
to
war
fighting. Take a look.
fighting
Take
a
look
Academy.com. Thank you.
Academycom
Thank
you
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Was that the wrong
I'm
sorry
I'm
sorry
Was
that
the
wrong
tape? Was that the wrong tape?
tape
Was
that
the
wrong
tape
My fault. I'm sorry. We had the wrong
My
fault
I'm
sorry
We
had
the
wrong
tape. That's actually Hegath slamming
tape
That's
actually
Hegath
slamming
his nards with a skateboard
his
nards
with
a
skateboard
when he hosted a weekend morning show
when
he
hosted
a
weekend
morning
show
this year. Still still more dignified
this
year
Still
still
more
dignified
than what he did today because in the
than
what
he
did
today
because
in
the
actual speech, Hegth went fivestar
actual
speech
Hegth
went
fivestar
douche and at one point pegged the
douche
and
at
one
point
pegged
the
camera with what he was sure was going
camera
with
what
he
was
sure
was
going
to be an applause line. Should our
to
be
an
applause
line
Should
our
enemies choose foolishly to challenge
enemies
choose
foolishly
to
challenge
us, they will be crushed by the
us
they
will
be
crushed
by
the
violence, precision, and ferocity of the
violence
precision
and
ferocity
of
the
war department. In other words, to our
war
department
In
other
words
to
our
enemies,
enemies
FA
FA
FO.
FO
Oh.
Oh
Oh, no.
Oh
no
I know that feeling. I've been there. I
I
know
that
feeling
I've
been
there
I
can commit. When you think it's going to
can
commit
When
you
think
it's
going
to
land, that quiet crowd really hurts.
land
that
quiet
crowd
really
hurts
And it happens to a lot of people.
And
it
happens
to
a
lot
of
people
Reminds me of when Queen played Wembley.
Reminds
me
of
when
Queen
played
Wembley
[Music]
Music
[Applause]
Applause
[Music]
Music
Hegath went all in on what he calls his
Hegath
went
all
in
on
what
he
calls
his
warrior ethos. Today is another
warrior
ethos
Today
is
another
liberation day. The liberation of
liberation
day
The
liberation
of
America's warriors in name, in deed, and
America's
warriors
in
name
in
deed
and
in authorities.
in
authorities
You kill people and break things for a
You
kill
people
and
break
things
for
a
living.
living
I'll say it. The Democrats have got to
I'll
say
it
The
Democrats
have
got
to
turn down the temperature on their
turn
down
the
temperature
on
their
violent rhetoric.
violent
rhetoric
Now, I know
Now
I
know
I know.
I
know
Hey.
Hey
Hey.
Hey
Yeah.
Yeah
These guys are great. Thank you.
These
guys
are
great
Thank
you
Uh, SEC defe
Uh
SEC
defe
gathered our most important generals for
gathered
our
most
important
generals
for
a good reason. And one day we'll find
a
good
reason
And
one
day
we'll
find
out what that was because mostly he said
out
what
that
was
because
mostly
he
said
stuff like this. No more climate change
stuff
like
this
No
more
climate
change
worship. No more division, distraction,
worship
No
more
division
distraction
or gender delusions. No more debris.
or
gender
delusions
No
more
debris
As I've said before and we'll say again,
As
I've
said
before
and
we'll
say
again
we are done with that. Whoa.
we
are
done
with
that
Whoa
Gosh, did you hear that? Fivestar
Gosh
did
you
hear
that
Fivestar
generals. Pete did a swear. He is cool,
generals
Pete
did
a
swear
He
is
cool
you know. I hear he has like 10 playboys
you
know
I
hear
he
has
like
10
playboys
under his mattress.
under
his
mattress
It's awfully lumpy
It's
awfully
lumpy
for Pete. For uh sec Pete, it's all
for
Pete
For
uh
sec
Pete
it's
all
about plain spoken shoot from the hip
about
plain
spoken
shoot
from
the
hip
man guy doing. We just have to be
man
guy
doing
We
just
have
to
be
honest. We have to say with our mouths
honest
We
have
to
say
with
our
mouths
what we see with our eyes to just tell
what
we
see
with
our
eyes
to
just
tell
it like it is in plain English to point
it
like
it
is
in
plain
English
to
point
out the obvious things right in front of
out
the
obvious
things
right
in
front
of
us.
us
Okay. You suck monkey butt.
Okay
You
suck
monkey
butt
It's obvious.
It's
obvious
A big part of Heges warrior ethos is
A
big
part
of
Heges
warrior
ethos
is
about image. Frankly, it's tiring to
about
image
Frankly
it's
tiring
to
look out at combat formations or really
look
out
at
combat
formations
or
really
any formation and see fat troops.
any
formation
and
see
fat
troops
Likewise, it's completely unacceptable
Likewise
it's
completely
unacceptable
to see fat generals and admirals in the
to
see
fat
generals
and
admirals
in
the
halls of the Pentagon. It all starts
halls
of
the
Pentagon
It
all
starts
with physical fitness and appearance. If
with
physical
fitness
and
appearance
If
the Secretary of War can do regular hard
the
Secretary
of
War
can
do
regular
hard
PT, so can every member of our joint
PT
so
can
every
member
of
our
joint
force. Damn straight. In fact, let's see
force
Damn
straight
In
fact
let's
see
Pete do some of his regular PT.
Pete
do
some
of
his
regular
PT
Skateboard Academy. Thank you.
Skateboard
Academy
Thank
you
Technically
Technically
in that in that case PT stands for pound
in
that
in
that
case
PT
stands
for
pound
testicle.
testicle
And I will say I will say this for
And
I
will
say
I
will
say
this
for
Hexath. He never skips nut day.
Hexath
He
never
skips
nut
day
Then it was time for the officers to
Then
it
was
time
for
the
officers
to
hear from a true paragon of masculine
hear
from
a
true
paragon
of
masculine
fitness. Donald Trump.
fitness
Donald
Trump
Fat generals. No.
Fat
generals
No
Fat Generals, meet Captain Cackles.
Fat
Generals
meet
Captain
Cackles
By the way, I don't know if you noticed
By
the
way
I
don't
know
if
you
noticed
how he was walking there, but that
how
he
was
walking
there
but
that
shamble up to the mic, but it was about
shamble
up
to
the
mic
but
it
was
about
as high as his energy got for the whole
as
high
as
his
energy
got
for
the
whole
day. The president is so anti-woke, he's
day
The
president
is
so
anti-woke
he's
barely conscious.
barely
conscious
He loves a rally crowd, though. He loves
He
loves
a
rally
crowd
though
He
loves
a rally crowd, though. Hey
a
rally
crowd
though
Hey
But
But
he loves a rally crowd. But
he
loves
a
rally
crowd
But
traditionally, the senior leadership of
traditionally
the
senior
leadership
of
the US military never claps for
the
US
military
never
claps
for
political speeches. That's the
political
speeches
That's
the
tradition. They're supposed to be
tradition
They're
supposed
to
be
nonpartisan and sit there stonefaced.
nonpartisan
and
sit
there
stonefaced
It's like doing standup for Easter
It's
like
doing
standup
for
Easter
Island heads. So Trump didn't love the
Island
heads
So
Trump
didn't
love
the
crowd.
crowd
I've never walked into a room so silent
I've
never
walked
into
a
room
so
silent
before. You know what? Just have a good
before
You
know
what
Just
have
a
good
time. And if you want to applaud, you
time
And
if
you
want
to
applaud
you
applaud. And if you want to do anything
applaud
And
if
you
want
to
do
anything
you want, you can do anything you want.
you
want
you
can
do
anything
you
want
If you don't like what I'm saying, you
If
you
don't
like
what
I'm
saying
you
can leave the room.
can
leave
the
room
Roger that.
Roger
that
I'm sorry. Oh, you mean the generals?
I'm
sorry
Oh
you
mean
the
generals
You mean the generals? I forgot. I have
You
mean
the
generals
I
forgot
I
have
I have to till May. I forgot. Okay.
I
have
to
till
May
I
forgot
Okay
Yeah. Okay. Now, um, look, I know what
Yeah
Okay
Now
um
look
I
know
what
you're saying. And you're saying,
you're
saying
And
you're
saying
"Steve, Trump may have no sense of
Steve
Trump
may
have
no
sense
of
discipline or decorum, but at least he
discipline
or
decorum
but
at
least
he
didn't assemble every general in the
didn't
assemble
every
general
in
the
world to bring up the n-word. There's
world
to
bring
up
the
n-word
There's
that to hold on to, right?"
that
to
hold
on
to
right
Wrong.
Wrong
Here he is talking about the nuclear.
Here
he
is
talking
about
the
nuclear
We can't let people throw around that
We
can't
let
people
throw
around
that
word.
word
I call it the n-word. There are two
I
call
it
the
n-word
There
are
two
nwords, and you can't use either of
nwords
and
you
can't
use
either
of
them. Yep. No, that's that's that's
them
Yep
No
that's
that's
that's
right, folks. There's two nwords.
right
folks
There's
two
nwords
One you can never use and the other you
One
you
can
never
use
and
the
other
you
can only use if you're doing karaoke.
can
only
use
if
you're
doing
karaoke
[Applause]
Applause
She take me money.
She
take
me
money
Now
Now
that's my impression of Trump doing his
that's
my
impression
of
Trump
doing
his
impression of Jamie Fox, his impression
impression
of
Jamie
Fox
his
impression
of Ray Charles. Thank you very much.
of
Ray
Charles
Thank
you
very
much
Trump talked about how America is
Trump
talked
about
how
America
is
respected again.
respected
again
We were not respected with Biden. They
We
were
not
respected
with
Biden
They
looked at him falling downstairs every
looked
at
him
falling
downstairs
every
day. Every day the guy's falling
day
Every
day
the
guy's
falling
downstairs. I'm very careful, you know,
downstairs
I'm
very
careful
you
know
when I walk downstairs for like I'm on
when
I
walk
downstairs
for
like
I'm
on
stairs like these stairs. I'm very I
stairs
like
these
stairs
I'm
very
I
walk very slowly. You don't have to set
walk
very
slowly
You
don't
have
to
set
any record. Be cool. Be cool when you
any
record
Be
cool
Be
cool
when
you
walk down, but don't don't bop down the
walk
down
but
don't
don't
bop
down
the
stairs. So, one thing with Obama, I had
stairs
So
one
thing
with
Obama
I
had
zero respect for him as a president, but
zero
respect
for
him
as
a
president
but
he would bop down those stairs. I've
he
would
bop
down
those
stairs
I've
never seen
never
seen
pop.
pop
[Applause]
Applause
What the hell are you talking about,
What
the
hell
are
you
talking
about
Obama? What? What? Obama. Can we see
Obama
What
What
Obama
Can
we
see
footage of Obama going down the stairs?
footage
of
Obama
going
down
the
stairs
that.
that
Okay, I stand corrected. I was wrong.
Okay
I
stand
corrected
I
was
wrong
I'm sorry.
I'm
sorry
Of course, when you call in generals
Of
course
when
you
call
in
generals
from every corner of the world, you
from
every
corner
of
the
world
you
don't just talk about stairs.
don't
just
talk
about
stairs
You talk about office supplies. When I
You
talk
about
office
supplies
When
I
have a general and I have to sign for a
have
a
general
and
I
have
to
sign
for
a
general because we have beautiful paper,
general
because
we
have
beautiful
paper
the gorgeous paper, I said, "Throw a
the
gorgeous
paper
I
said
Throw
a
little more gold on it. They deserve it.
little
more
gold
on
it
They
deserve
it
I want to use the big beautiful firm
I
want
to
use
the
big
beautiful
firm
paper.
paper
What?
What
What? What is And why is the paper like
What
What
is
And
why
is
the
paper
like
this? What is I don't understand. What
this
What
is
I
don't
understand
What
paper?
paper
What paper goes like this? Can we see
What
paper
goes
like
this
Can
we
see
I'm sorry. Can we What is this? Can we
I'm
sorry
Can
we
What
is
this
Can
we
see the big beautiful firm paper he's
see
the
big
beautiful
firm
paper
he's
talking about? There you go.
talking
about
There
you
go
Okay, that makes sense.
Okay
that
makes
sense
There you go. We'll be right back.
There
you
go
We'll
be
right
back
Trump then turned his attention to
Trump
then
turned
his
attention
to
modernizing the Navy.
modernizing
the
Navy
Those ships. Some people would say, "No,
Those
ships
Some
people
would
say
No
that's old technology." I don't know. I
that's
old
technology
I
don't
know
I
don't think it's old technology. When
don't
think
it's
old
technology
When
you look at those guns, but it's
you
look
at
those
guns
but
it's
something we're actually considering the
something
we're
actually
considering
the
concept of battleship.
concept
of
battleship
Battleship.
Battleship
We're also considering the concept of
We're
also
considering
the
concept
of
twister.
twister
the notion of hungry hungry hippo and of
the
notion
of
hungry
hungry
hippo
and
of
course yatsi or in my case neoyatsi
course
yatsi
or
in
my
case
neoyatsi
so far so nuts but Trump also went very
so
far
so
nuts
but
Trump
also
went
very
dark at times warning the military brass
dark
at
times
warning
the
military
brass
about America's number one enemy
about
America's
number
one
enemy
Americans
Americans
last month I signed an executive order
last
month
I
signed
an
executive
order
to provide training for quick reaction
to
provide
training
for
quick
reaction
force that can help quell civil
force
that
can
help
quell
civil
disturbances. This is going to be a big
disturbances
This
is
going
to
be
a
big
thing for the people in this room
thing
for
the
people
in
this
room
because it's the enemy from within and
because
it's
the
enemy
from
within
and
we have to handle it before it gets out
we
have
to
handle
it
before
it
gets
out
of control.
of
control
What do you
What
do
you
[Applause]
Applause
a quick reaction force to handle the
a
quick
reaction
force
to
handle
the
enemy within? How how would we even know
enemy
within
How
how
would
we
even
know
who that enemy is? Do we expect them to
who
that
enemy
is
Do
we
expect
them
to
just come out and identify themselves?
just
come
out
and
identify
themselves
You knew damn well I was a snake before
You
knew
damn
well
I
was
a
snake
before
you took me in.
you
took
me
in
I guess so. We got a great show for you
I
guess
so
We
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight. Grammy awardwinning artist Sam
tonight
Grammy
awardwinning
artist
Sam
Smith is here. But when we come back,
Smith
is
here
But
when
we
come
back
it's our friend Jimmy Kimmel. Stick
it's
our
friend
Jimmy
Kimmel
Stick
around.
around
[Applause]
Applause
Heat.
Heat
[Music]
Music
Hey, Heat.
Hey
Heat
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Today's Learning Tip
Consistency beats perfection every single time.
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