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Welcome, welcome one and all to the Late
Welcome
welcome
one
and
all
to
the
Late
Show. I'm your host, Steven Colbert.
Show
I'm
your
host
Steven
Colbert
Ladies and gentlemen,
Ladies
and
gentlemen
thank you very much. After 43 days, the
thank
you
very
much
After
43
days
the
House is is finally voting. The shutdown
House
is
is
finally
voting
The
shutdown
is expected to end by midnight tonight.
is
expected
to
end
by
midnight
tonight
Yep. At which point, Chuck Schumer will
Yep
At
which
point
Chuck
Schumer
will
be dropped over Times Square.
be
dropped
over
Times
Square
>> Anderson and Andy, you're already drunk.
>>
Anderson
and
Andy
you're
already
drunk
This this vote ends a historic impasse
This
this
vote
ends
a
historic
impasse
with an agreement that well, who cares?
with
an
agreement
that
well
who
cares
Because after the House reopened,
Because
after
the
House
reopened
Democrat Adelita Grijalva was finally
Democrat
Adelita
Grijalva
was
finally
sworn in as a member of Congress.
sworn
in
as
a
member
of
Congress
Seven weeks,
Seven
weeks
seven weeks after she won a special
seven
weeks
after
she
won
a
special
election in Arizona. Yeah.
election
in
Arizona
Yeah
>> So, this Arizona lawmaker is rising,
>>
So
this
Arizona
lawmaker
is
rising
reborn from the ashes, just like the
reborn
from
the
ashes
just
like
the
namesake of her home city, Tucson.
namesake
of
her
home
city
Tucson
More importantly, the newly sworn Grijalva
More
importantly
the
newly
sworn
Grijalva
is the 218th and final signature needed
is
the
218th
and
final
signature
needed
on the discharge petition to force a
on
the
discharge
petition
to
force
a
vote compelling the release of the
vote
compelling
the
release
of
the
Epstein files.
Epstein
files
That's a big first day, right?
That's
a
big
first
day
right
That is
That
is
>> that that's a really big first day. All
>>
that
that's
a
really
big
first
day
All
right, here's the key to the ladies
right
here's
the
key
to
the
ladies
room. Over there is the Xerox machine.
room
Over
there
is
the
Xerox
machine
Uh down there is the room where you're
Uh
down
there
is
the
room
where
you're
going to topple the pervert Cabal.
going
to
topple
the
pervert
Cabal
>> Maybe.
>>
Maybe
Maybe.
Maybe
To celebrate Grihalva's swearing in,
To
celebrate
Grihalva's
swearing
in
Democrats on the House Oversight
Democrats
on
the
House
Oversight
Committee gave the New York Times just a
Committee
gave
the
New
York
Times
just
a
just a taste of hopefully what's to
just
a
taste
of
hopefully
what's
to
come, including emails from Epstein in
come
including
emails
from
Epstein
in
which he alleged that Trump knew of his
which
he
alleged
that
Trump
knew
of
his
conduct with underage girls. Wow,
conduct
with
underage
girls
Wow
>> what a shocking
>>
what
a
shocking
shocking revelation. This is like
shocking
revelation
This
is
like
this is like that moment in the Six
this
is
like
that
moment
in
the
Six
Sense when when Bruce Willis appears on
Sense
when
when
Bruce
Willis
appears
on
screen and you're like, "Oh, I get it.
screen
and
you're
like
Oh
I
get
it
He's the guy on the poster.
He's
the
guy
on
the
poster
One of the email recipients is freelance
One
of
the
email
recipients
is
freelance
journalist and sex luther Michael Wolff.
journalist
and
sex
luther
Michael
Wolff
Wolff got close to Epstein uh back in the
Wolff
got
close
to
Epstein
uh
back
in
the
day while being pitched to work on a
day
while
being
pitched
to
work
on
a
potential biography of the sex criminal
potential
biography
of
the
sex
criminal
in 2014. Right. Well, in 2019 when
in
2014
Right
Well
in
2019
when
Donald Trump was president, Epstein
Donald
Trump
was
president
Epstein
emailed Wolf writing, "Of course Trump
emailed
Wolf
writing
Of
course
Trump
knew about the girls. Of course he did.
knew
about
the
girls
Of
course
he
did
They were best pals." and underage girls
They
were
best
pals
and
underage
girls
was Epstein's whole thing. Yes, the
was
Epstein's
whole
thing
Yes
the
Hamburglar was my best friend, but I
Hamburglar
was
my
best
friend
but
I
always assumed he was getting the
always
assumed
he
was
getting
the
burgers legitimately. And then later I
burgers
legitimately
And
then
later
I
was like, "Oh, wait. That's why he wore
was
like
Oh
wait
That's
why
he
wore
a mask."
a
mask
It's not the only damning email Epstein
It's
not
the
only
damning
email
Epstein
sent to Wolf in 2015 when Trump was
sent
to
Wolf
in
2015
when
Trump
was
running for his first term. Wolf emailed
running
for
his
first
term
Wolf
emailed
Epstein saying, "I hear CNN's planning
Epstein
saying
I
hear
CNN's
planning
to ask Trump tonight about his
to
ask
Trump
tonight
about
his
relationship with you." to which Epstein
relationship
with
you
to
which
Epstein
replied, "If we were able to craft an
replied
If
we
were
able
to
craft
an
answer for him, what do you think it
answer
for
him
what
do
you
think
it
should be?"
should
be
That is never a good sign when Jeffrey
That
is
never
a
good
sign
when
Jeffrey
Epstein is trying to help you
Epstein
is
trying
to
help
you
draft a response like some kind of
draft
a
response
like
some
kind
of
perverted clippy. Looks like you're
perverted
clippy
Looks
like
you're
trying to avoid questions about sex
trying
to
avoid
questions
about
sex
crimes. Would you like help? I can make
crimes
Would
you
like
help
I
can
make
it a newsletter.
it
a
newsletter
Now, in the email response,
Now
in
the
email
response
Wolf suggested that Epstein keep his
Wolf
suggested
that
Epstein
keep
his
bargaining chip with Trump, saying, "If
bargaining
chip
with
Trump
saying
If
it really looks like he could win, you
it
really
looks
like
he
could
win
you
could save him generating a debt." Okay,
could
save
him
generating
a
debt
Okay
that's blackmail. And I would like to
that's
blackmail
And
I
would
like
to
point out blackmail really only works
point
out
blackmail
really
only
works
when you're blackmailing someone about
when
you're
blackmailing
someone
about
something they did that they don't want
something
they
did
that
they
don't
want
anyone to know about. That's why you
anyone
to
know
about
That's
why
you
never hear a mobster say, "Hey, give me
never
hear
a
mobster
say
Hey
give
me
$1,000 or everyone's going to find out
1000
or
everyone's
going
to
find
out
that you donate to Meals on Wheels.
that
you
donate
to
Meals
on
Wheels
Epstein's
Epstein's
other email correspondent was his
other
email
correspondent
was
his
partner in horrible Ghislaine Maxwell. In
partner
in
horrible
Ghislaine
Maxwell
In
2008, Epstein went to jail for underage
2008
Epstein
went
to
jail
for
underage
soliciting. By 2011, he was out, but the
soliciting
By
2011
he
was
out
but
the
tabloids were all over him. His
tabloids
were
all
over
him
His
relationship with Prince Andrew was
relationship
with
Prince
Andrew
was
news, and reporters were trying to get
news
and
reporters
were
trying
to
get
responses from any of his famous
responses
from
any
of
his
famous
friends. Epstein's emails Maxwell
friends
Epstein's
emails
Maxwell
saying, "I want you to realize that that
saying
I
want
you
to
realize
that
that
dog that hasn't barked is Trump."
dog
that
hasn't
barked
is
Trump
Yeah,
Yeah
>> to quote Shakespeare, woof.
>>
to
quote
Shakespeare
woof
>> Epstein continued saying of Trump that an
>>
Epstein
continued
saying
of
Trump
that
an
unnamed Epstein victim, quote, spent
unnamed
Epstein
victim
quote
spent
hours at my house with him, reached for
hours
at
my
house
with
him
reached
for
comment, Donald Trump bulldozed the
comment
Donald
Trump
bulldozed
the
Westwing.
Westwing
GOP leadership accused Democrats of
GOP
leadership
accused
Democrats
of
cherrypicking their documents. And to
cherrypicking
their
documents
And
to
prove their point, Republicans on the
prove
their
point
Republicans
on
the
House Oversight Committee released
House
Oversight
Committee
released
20,000 additional Epstein documents. But
20000
additional
Epstein
documents
But
that doesn't prove anything. Your honor,
that
doesn't
prove
anything
Your
honor
to definitively prove his innocence, I
to
definitively
prove
his
innocence
I
would like to call to the stand all the
would
like
to
call
to
the
stand
all
the
people my client did not murder.
people
my
client
did
not
murder
You first, your honor.
You
first
your
honor
I don't know if we'll ever forget the
I
don't
know
if
we'll
ever
forget
the
insanity of the Trump presidency. And
insanity
of
the
Trump
presidency
And
Trump makes wants to make sure that we
Trump
makes
wants
to
make
sure
that
we
can't possibly because his Treasury
can't
possibly
because
his
Treasury
Department has announced they will be
Department
has
announced
they
will
be
minting a $1 coin depicting President
minting
a
1
coin
depicting
President
Trump. And here's what that stupid coin
Trump
And
here's
what
that
stupid
coin
is going to look like. Here's the front
is
going
to
look
like
Here's
the
front
with Trump once again getting in the way
with
Trump
once
again
getting
in
the
way
of liberty.
of
liberty
And here's the back. Trump raising his
And
here's
the
back
Trump
raising
his
fist with two messages. E plurbus unum
fist
with
two
messages
E
plurbus
unum
out of many one. And fight fight.
out
of
many
one
And
fight
fight
Just like it says in the Pledge of
Just
like
it
says
in
the
Pledge
of
Allegiance, one nation under God getting
Allegiance
one
nation
under
God
getting
oiled up and wrestling in a pit.
oiled
up
and
wrestling
in
a
pit
According to the Treasury, this coin is
According
to
the
Treasury
this
coin
is
for the country's 250th birthday. But
for
the
country's
250th
birthday
But
that's crazy. If you're going to put a
that's
crazy
If
you're
going
to
put
a
person on a coin to celebrate the
person
on
a
coin
to
celebrate
the
founding of America, pick someone who
founding
of
America
pick
someone
who
was there when it was founded, like Joe
was
there
when
it
was
founded
like
Joe
Biden.
Biden
Now, as I say almost got a little
Now
as
I
say
almost
got
a
little
something there. Now, as I say almost
something
there
Now
as
I
say
almost
every day,
every
day
this is probably illegal.
this
is
probably
illegal
I I just had it printed at a certain
I
I
just
had
it
printed
at
a
certain
point.
point
Now, it breaks it breaks all sorts of
Now
it
breaks
it
breaks
all
sorts
of
official coin design rules, but it's
official
coin
design
rules
but
it's
also impractical. One coin expert points
also
impractical
One
coin
expert
points
out that it would be a nightmare to make
out
that
it
would
be
a
nightmare
to
make
because the deepest parts of the coin
because
the
deepest
parts
of
the
coin
would be opposite each other, adding,
would
be
opposite
each
other
adding
"The design quote tells me they don't
The
design
quote
tells
me
they
don't
know anything about coinage." Boom.
know
anything
about
coinage
Boom
Numismatic slam. You just got
Numismatic
slam
You
just
got
Yeah,
Yeah
you just got numismat. You num mismat.
you
just
got
numismat
You
num
mismat
The coin lady says you're dumb.
The
coin
lady
says
you're
dumb
Historically,
Historically
here's the deal. In America,
here's
the
deal
In
America
historically, we don't put living people
historically
we
don't
put
living
people
on money. The last time we did was for
on
money
The
last
time
we
did
was
for
the country's 150th birthday in 1926
the
country's
150th
birthday
in
1926
when the US Met released a coin with a
when
the
US
Met
released
a
coin
with
a
joint image of George Washington and
joint
image
of
George
Washington
and
Calvin Culage. Fun fact, that coin was
Calvin
Culage
Fun
fact
that
coin
was
so unpopular that nearly 860,000
so
unpopular
that
nearly
860000
of them were returned to the Treasury
of
them
were
returned
to
the
Treasury
and melted. Well, no wonder we got a
and
melted
Well
no
wonder
we
got
a
Great Depression. Oh, boo. This money is
Great
Depression
Oh
boo
This
money
is
ugly. Burn it, Montgomery.
ugly
Burn
it
Montgomery
It doesn't match my sassy straw boater.
It
doesn't
match
my
sassy
straw
boater
By now, we all know Trump is building
By
now
we
all
know
Trump
is
building
that big stupid ballroom. But it turns
that
big
stupid
ballroom
But
it
turns
out he's been doing extreme home
out
he's
been
doing
extreme
home
makeovers all over the White House,
makeovers
all
over
the
White
House
including the Lincoln bathroom. As you
including
the
Lincoln
bathroom
As
you
can see, he went from art deco tile to
can
see
he
went
from
art
deco
tile
to
Where Siegfried and Roy bathe their
Where
Siegfried
and
Roy
bathe
their
Tigers. There's also a little update
Tigers
There's
also
a
little
update
about the Lincoln bedroom. A former
about
the
Lincoln
bedroom
A
former
White House usher is releasing a new
White
House
usher
is
releasing
a
new
book called White House Memories, and in
book
called
White
House
Memories
and
in
it, he claims the Lincoln bedroom is
it
he
claims
the
Lincoln
bedroom
is
haunted. According to the story, one
haunted
According
to
the
story
one
White House staffer who was asked to
White
House
staffer
who
was
asked
to
retrieve some furniture went into the
retrieve
some
furniture
went
into
the
Lincoln bedroom and as he walked in the
Lincoln
bedroom
and
as
he
walked
in
the
door, the rocking chair in the corner
door
the
rocking
chair
in
the
corner
was moving. He swears that President
was
moving
He
swears
that
President
Abraham Lincoln was there. Okay, that
Abraham
Lincoln
was
there
Okay
that
sounds scary. It's a good story, but I
sounds
scary
It's
a
good
story
but
I
don't actually believe that Lincoln's
don't
actually
believe
that
Lincoln's
ghost was suddenly appearing to just
ghost
was
suddenly
appearing
to
just
some guy who
some
guy
who
>> Hey, Steve.
>>
Hey
Steve
>> Great Lincoln's ghost.
>>
Great
Lincoln's
ghost
>> Yeah. Yeah. Had to stop by before your
>>
Yeah
Yeah
Had
to
stop
by
before
your
show ends. Haven't been to a theater in
show
ends
Haven't
been
to
a
theater
in
a while. Fingers crossed.
a
while
Fingers
crossed
>> All right. All right. Well, well, Mr.
>>
All
right
All
right
Well
well
Mr
Mr. President, thank you for being here.
Mr
President
thank
you
for
being
here
Is Is it Is it true that you've been
Is
Is
it
Is
it
true
that
you've
been
haunting the White House?
haunting
the
White
House
>> Sure is, sugar. I wanted to check out
>>
Sure
is
sugar
I
wanted
to
check
out
the new bathroom. It's nice, but I miss
the
new
bathroom
It's
nice
but
I
miss
the art deco, and I really miss what it
the
art
deco
and
I
really
miss
what
it
was like when I was there.
was
like
when
I
was
there
>> What was the bathroom like back then?
>>
What
was
the
bathroom
like
back
then
>> Fancy bucket.
>>
Fancy
bucket
Well, you're you're one of our greatest
Well
you're
you're
one
of
our
greatest
presidents, and I have to ask, what do
presidents
and
I
have
to
ask
what
do
you think of our current
you
think
of
our
current
commander-in-chief?
commander-in-chief
Well, I'd rather talk about how there
Well
I'd
rather
talk
about
how
there
are too many dogs in heaven.
are
too
many
dogs
in
heaven
I beg your pardon. It's true. All dogs
I
beg
your
pardon
It's
true
All
dogs
go there, but that's just too many.
go
there
but
that's
just
too
many
They're everywhere, and nobody goes to
They're
everywhere
and
nobody
goes
to
heaven to pick up dog droppings, so it's
heaven
to
pick
up
dog
droppings
so
it's
all over the clouds. Smells like
all
over
the
clouds
Smells
like
Coachella.
Coachella
>> Well, they don't certainly don't show
>>
Well
they
don't
certainly
don't
show
that in the painting, sir. Any other
that
in
the
painting
sir
Any
other
complaints about heaven?
complaints
about
heaven
>> No. I've experienced pleasures there I
>>
No
I've
experienced
pleasures
there
I
never deemed possible on earth. Sexual
never
deemed
possible
on
earth
Sexual
pleasures, I mean.
pleasures
I
mean
>> Oh, well, good for you. I thought Yeah,
>>
Oh
well
good
for
you
I
thought
Yeah
no thanks. I thought the male orgasm was
no
thanks
I
thought
the
male
orgasm
was
a myth. Turns out it's very real. Except
a
myth
Turns
out
it's
very
real
Except
I don't like it when all the dogs watch.
I
don't
like
it
when
all
the
dogs
watch
Abraham Lincoln's Ghost. Everybody, we
Abraham
Lincoln's
Ghost
Everybody
we
got a great show for you tonight.
got
a
great
show
for
you
tonight
My guests are Jonathan Karl and Pete
My
guests
are
Jonathan
Karl
and
Pete
Townsen. When we come back, Cyborgs.
Townsen
When
we
come
back
Cyborgs
Join us. Oh, shoot.
Join
us
Oh
shoot
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