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Welcome, [cheering]
Welcome cheering
welcome friends and neighbors,
welcome friends and neighbors
citizens of all sizes to the late show.
citizens of all sizes to the late show
I'm your host Steven Colbert. Folks,
I'm your host Steven Colbert Folks
[cheering]
cheering
ladies and gentlemen, are the Epstein
ladies and gentlemen are the Epstein
files out yet?
files out yet
No. Okay.
No Okay
How about now? Are they out? [cheering]
How about now Are they out cheering
All right. Just checking. You'll let me
All right Just checking You'll let me
know.
know
Stop me in midsentence if anything happens
Stop me in midsentence if anything happens
over there cuz [laughter] I look a
over there cuz laughter I look a
little excited
little excited
’Cause yesterday after months of Trump
’Cause yesterday after months of Trump
fighting tooth and cankle to hold back
fighting tooth and cankle to hold back
the Republican party from doing the
the Republican party from doing the
right thing, he just went ahead and gave
right thing he just went ahead and gave
up and signed the bill to release the
up and signed the bill to release the
Epstein files.
Epstein files
[cheering]
cheering
>> Yeah.
>> Yeah
[applause]
applause
One day you're gonna have a very
One day you're gonna have a very
complicated conversation with your
complicated conversation with your
grandchildren about why you just
grandchildren about why you just
cheered.
cheered
[laughter]
laughter
This is such a difficult moment for
This is such a difficult moment for
Trump. We We don't know if he actually
Trump We We don't know if he actually
signed the bill himself. He might have
signed the bill himself He might have
just used his mechanical signature
just used his mechanical signature
machine, the uh the auto-pube. Because
machine the uh the auto-pube Because
even though Trump told Republicans to
even though Trump told Republicans to
all vote for this, he was clearly
all vote for this he was clearly
furious that they did. He signed the
furious that they did He signed the
bill after the White House issued a
bill after the White House issued a
so-called photo op which shut down any
so-called photo op which shut down any
on camera opportunities. He signed it
on camera opportunities He signed it
off camera and he'll sign anything on
off camera and he'll sign anything on
camera. Executive orders, sneakers, lady
camera Executive orders sneakers lady
parts, wall parts, a toddler.
parts wall parts a toddler
Trump is avoiding cameras. That's like
Trump is avoiding cameras That's like
that's that's like the Pillsbury
that's that's like the Pillsbury
Doughboy avoiding nudity.
Doughboy avoiding nudity
That's right. This little freak loves
That's right This little freak loves
the cool breeze [cheering]
the cool breeze cheering
on his smooth part.
on his smooth part
[applause]
applause
More proof that these files are making
More proof that these files are making
Trump soiled his ample briefs. Well, last
Trump soiled his ample briefs Well last
night he went online to shift blame to
night he went online to shift blame to
Democrats with a full uniomberlength
Democrats with a full uniomberlength
manifesto.
manifesto
There it is. Imagine if you got that as
There it is Imagine if you got that as
a text. Well, I do not have to read all
a text Well I do not have to read all
of that, bro.
of that bro
I do not have the time. I'm just going
I do not have the time I'm just going
to hit you with a haha.
to hit you with a haha
Now, somewhere
Now somewhere
somewhere in that Apple terms and
somewhere in that Apple terms and
conditions length screed, Trump tried to
conditions length screed Trump tried to
claim credit for the thing he
claim credit for the thing he
desperately fought to stop. As everybody
desperately fought to stop As everybody
knows, I asked Speaker of the House Mike
knows I asked Speaker of the House Mike
Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John
Johnson and Senate Majority Leader John
Thune to pass this bill because of this
Thune to pass this bill because of this
request. The votes were almost unanimous
request The votes were almost unanimous
in favor of passage, right? You know, so
in favor of passage right You know so
in a way he won. It reminds me of Julius
in a way he won It reminds me of Julius
Caesar's famous last words. Great job,
Caesar's famous last words Great job
Brute. [laughter]
Brute laughter
So,
So
[cheering]
cheering
So Trump signed the bill. It is now law.
So Trump signed the bill It is now law
The Epstein files must be released.
The Epstein files must be released
Specifically, the Justice Department now
Specifically the Justice Department now
has 30 days to publish whatever
has 30 days to publish whatever
information it has. Meaning the deadline
information it has Meaning the deadline
is December 19th. So it's going to be a
is December 19th So it's going to be a
very special Jake Gyllenhaal's birthday.
very special Jake Gyllenhaal's birthday
[cheering]
cheering
[applause]
applause
And I wouldn't have made that reference,
And I wouldn't have made that reference
Jake, if you ever invited me to your
Jake if you ever invited me to your
party.
party
[cheering]
cheering
So soon we're going to see every
So soon we're going to see every
document in the Epstein files. And if
document in the Epstein files And if
you believe that, Donald Trump has an
you believe that Donald Trump has an
East Wing he'd like to sell you
East Wing he'd like to sell you
[laughter]
laughter
cuz the Justice Department is going to
cuz the Justice Department is going to
look through the documents first. And
look through the documents first And
quote, "What information they may
quote What information they may
include and how redacted the documents
include and how redacted the documents
may be remains to be seen or
may be remains to be seen or
or unseen.
or unseen
By the time Trump's people are finished
By the time Trump's people are finished
with their El Marcos, the release could
with their El Marcos the release could
be a single black page with the words
be a single black page with the words
Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton
One thing I don't need a [applause] lot
One thing I don't need a applause lot
to change. One thing we know will
to change One thing we know will
definitely be redacted is anything that
definitely be redacted is anything that
quote would jeopardize an active federal
quote would jeopardize an active federal
investigation. Well, there's a kowinky
investigation Well there's a kowinky
dink cuz just last week, Trump demanded
dink cuz just last week Trump demanded
the Justice Department open an
the Justice Department open an
investigation into Democrats who are
investigation into Democrats who are
mentioned in Epstein's emails. Attorney
mentioned in Epstein's emails Attorney
General Pam Bondie agreed to this demand
General Pam Bondie agreed to this demand
less than 4 hours later, which is
less than 4 hours later which is
strange because back in July, Bondi said
strange because back in July Bondi said
they wouldn't be releasing any more
they wouldn't be releasing any more
information on the Jeffrey Epstein case
information on the Jeffrey Epstein case
and that the case is essentially now
and that the case is essentially now
closed. So yesterday, Bondi was asked
closed So yesterday Bondi was asked
about that. Madam Attorney General, the
about that Madam Attorney General the
DOJ statement, uh, earlier this year
DOJ statement uh earlier this year
saying that, uh, the files would not
saying that uh the files would not
release mentioned the fact that the
release mentioned the fact that the
review of the documents and the evidence
review of the documents and the evidence
did not suggest that any additional
did not suggest that any additional
investigation of third parties was
investigation of third parties was
warranted. Uh, what changed, uh, since then
warranted Uh what changed uh since then
that you launched this investigation?
that you launched this investigation
information that has come for
information that has come for
information. Um, there's information that
information Um there's information that
new information, additional information
new information additional information
>> smooth
>> smooth
[applause]
applause
[cheering and applause]
cheering and applause
[cheering and applause]
cheering and applause
information [laughter]
information laughter
information has come to information. We
information has come to information We
have had, we, we have had, have information
have had we we have had have information
new, new information was additional to
new new information was additional to
the added information that was new to
the added information that was new to
have been informed at us of the
have been informed at us of the
information.
information
HELP ME [laughter]
HELP ME laughter
Cut my mic. [applause]
Cut my mic applause
[cheering]
cheering
>> [applause]
>> applause
>> You know, you know why they're all
>> You know you know why they're all
rattled? Because the wolf of
rattled Because the wolf of
accountability is lapping at their door
accountability is lapping at their door
with its hungry tongue. He's already
with its hungry tongue He's already
gone past the House of Representatives,
gone past the House of Representatives
past the Senate, and the DOJ is the
past the Senate and the DOJ is the
third little piggy, and he's going to
third little piggy and he's going to
huff and puff and find out who blew
huff and puff and find out who blew
Bubba down.
Bubba down
>> You can see. [cheering]
>> You can see cheering
>> [applause]
>> applause
>> And you can see just how rattled they
>> And you can see just how rattled they
are on camera. Check out Kash Patel's
are on camera Check out Kash Patel's
face.
face
while Bondi is drowning in flip sweat.
while Bondi is drowning in flip sweat
He's either terrified or the edible just
He's either terrified or the edible just
kicked in.
kicked in
But no matter how much information,
But no matter how much information
no matter how much information Bondi
no matter how much information Bondi
tries to convince has got
tries to convince has got
informationated,
informationated
folks aren't going to stand for them not
folks aren't going to stand for them not
forking over the goods. Trump is facing
forking over the goods Trump is facing
growing suspicion even from his MAGA
growing suspicion even from his MAGA
base. ’Cause according to GOP insiders, the
base ’Cause according to GOP insiders the
Epstein conspiracies have reached
Epstein conspiracies have reached
moon landing status.
moon landing status
You know what this means? Stanley Kubrick
You know what this means Stanley Kubrick
directed the Epstein files.
directed the Epstein files
Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Hey, if you were
Oh yeah Oh yeah Hey if you were
planning on flying over the holidays, I
planning on flying over the holidays I
would say maybe don't because experts
would say maybe don't because experts
warned that flying is about to become
warned that flying is about to become
even more miserable.
even more miserable
>> More miserable, of course, what Spirit
>> More miserable of course what Spirit
Airlines calls first class.
Airlines calls first class
>> [cheering and applause]
>> cheering and applause
>> But good news, we just got some new
>> But good news we just got some new
travel advice from Secretary of
travel advice from Secretary of
Transportation Shawn Ducey, seen here
Transportation Shawn Ducey seen here
explaining how he would eat one really
explaining how he would eat one really
long noodle.
long noodle
[laughter]
laughter
Ducey.
Ducey
Secretary Ducey released this video
Secretary Ducey released this video
yesterday, pining for the old days of
yesterday pining for the old days of
air travel.
air travel
>> Come fly
>> Come fly
away.
away
Air travel is a miracle of American
Air travel is a miracle of American
ingenuity. We built airports to launch a
ingenuity We built airports to launch a
golden age of travel across the skies.
golden age of travel across the skies
Flying was a bastion of civility, but
Flying was a bastion of civility but
today.
today
[laughter]
laughter
I know that looks bad. That last shot
I know that looks bad That last shot
there looks bad, but the pastor was only
there looks bad but the pastor was only
using his feet because the flight
using his feet because the flight
attendant had told him to stop using his
attendant had told him to stop using his
feet.
feet
The video
The video
joke. It's a joke. You're making jokes.
joke It's a joke You're making jokes
Happy Thanksgiving. It's a joke. The
Happy Thanksgiving It's a joke The
video continued and got more extreme.
video continued and got more extreme
>> I'm allowed to see that. [music]
>> I'm allowed to see that music
>> But manners don't stop at the gate.
>> But manners don't stop at the gate
>> That's right. Manners don't stop at the
>> That's right Manners don't stop at the
gate. Things aren't what [music] they
gate Things aren't what music they
used to be. Some would call it the
used to be Some would call it the
golden age of travel. Let's bring
golden age of travel Let's bring
civility and manners [music] back. Okay,
civility and manners music back Okay
how about this? We'll bring back
how about this We'll bring back
civility and manners when the airlines
civility and manners when the airlines
bring back fine dining with gourmet
bring back fine dining with gourmet
chefs, champagne, and sky lobster.
chefs champagne and sky lobster
[cheering]
cheering
Now, [applause and cheering]
Now applause and cheering
Nowadays, you're lucky to get a pack of
Nowadays you're lucky to get a pack of
crumbled Biscoff.
crumbled Biscoff
Thanks, but I'll eat in Tampa.
Thanks but I'll eat in Tampa
[laughter]
laughter
Secretary Ducey, who is officially in
Secretary Ducey who is officially in
charge of the bad travel, thinks it's
charge of the bad travel thinks it's
all your fault. Ask [music] yourself,
all your fault Ask music yourself
are you helping a pregnant woman put her
are you helping a pregnant woman put her
bag in the overhead bin?
bag in the overhead bin
>> That is so important.
>> That is so important
This will all be better if you just help
This will all be better if you just help
more pregnant ladies with their bags.
more pregnant ladies with their bags
And if you can't tell who's pregnant,
And if you can't tell who's pregnant
just start making guesses.
just start making guesses
[cheering] Hey, pregnant lady. The
cheering Hey pregnant lady The
pregnant lady. You
pregnant lady You
You look pregnant to me, baby.
You look pregnant to me baby
Are you sure? Pee on this stick. What?
Are you sure Pee on this stick What
TRYING TO MAKE AIR TRAVEL BETTER HERE.
TRYING TO MAKE AIR TRAVEL BETTER HERE
[cheering]
cheering
[laughter]
laughter
HEY,
HEY
Ducey told me. [laughter]
Ducey told me laughter
Oh, even even non-Epstein things are
Oh even even non-Epstein things are
looking bad, uh, for Trump out there.
looking bad uh for Trump out there
A new poll found that 76% of voters say
A new poll found that 76 of voters say
the White House is doing more harm than
the White House is doing more harm than
good on the economy. Even worse for him.
good on the economy Even worse for him
Even worse for him. That's a Fox News
Even worse for him That's a Fox News
poll. [cheering]
poll cheering
Jeez. Jeez. Usually, usually Fox News
Jeez Jeez Usually usually Fox News
polls are like, "Is the president too
polls are like Is the president too
sexy?"
sexy
And the choices are, "Yum, Zaddy's home,
And the choices are Yum Zaddy's home
and immigrant ate my hamster."
and immigrant ate my hamster
How we doing? How we doing? Can we say
How we doing How we doing Can we say
goodbye? [applause] Say goodbye. Can I
goodbye applause Say goodbye Can I
say goodbye? Can I go to commercial? Oh,
say goodbye Can I go to commercial Oh
we got that long enough. A lot of the
we got that long enough A lot of the
economic pain,
economic pain
A lot of the economic pain is caused by
A lot of the economic pain is caused by
Trump's tariffs, which are jacking up
Trump's tariffs which are jacking up
prices for this Christmas. If you're
prices for this Christmas If you're
decorating the yard, you can forget one
decorating the yard you can forget one
of those big inflatable Santas.
of those big inflatable Santas
Shoppers are reporting that five years
Shoppers are reporting that five years
ago, I would say an inflatable
ago I would say an inflatable
decoration cost like $40. Now they're
decoration cost like 40 Now they're
one, two, $300.
one two 300
And that's too bad. This year, kids
And that's too bad This year kids
won't be able to enjoy the tradition of
won't be able to enjoy the tradition of
waking up on Christmas morning to the
waking up on Christmas morning to the
sight of deflated Rudolph.
sight of deflated Rudolph
Mommy. [laughter]
Mommy laughter
Mommy. Mommy. Is he dead?
Mommy Mommy Is he dead
Yes. Yes.
Yes Yes
[laughter]
laughter
Toys may also be hard to
Toys may also be hard to
come by because, uh, thanks to
come by because uh thanks to
tariffs, toy makers are bracing for
tariffs toy makers are bracing for
empty shelves this Christmas. So get
empty shelves this Christmas So get
ready for the year's hottest toy: shelf
ready for the year's hottest toy: shelf
on the shelf.
on the shelf
We got a great show for you tonight.
We got a great show for you tonight
[cheering]
cheering
[music]
music
Elizabeth Warren is here
Elizabeth Warren is here
[music]
music
when we come back. Meanwhile, join us,
when we come back Meanwhile join us
won't you?
won't you
[music]
music
>> [cheering]
>> cheering
- Pause

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